02/11/2016 1:00 PM IST | Updated 04/11/2016 6:26 PM IST

The Government Is Sending 3 Tailors To Stitch Up The Hole In The Ozone Layer

Adnan Abidi / Reuters

After reading about the pollution status of some areas in Delhi on Diwali eve, the government of India took a historic step in the direction of cleaning the environment and decided to send three tailors—Ramesh, Suresh and Michael— to the ozone layer to stitch up the much-talked-about hole. Now, we've read about the hole in the ozone layer (let's call it ozole for short) due to emissions of greenhouse gas since what seems like the beginning of time. However, after the invention of scientists in India and also of Twitter, the cause of the ozole has been attributed to Indians bursting crackers during Diwali.

The right wing guys win the online debate on firecrackers by a huge margin because there is no appropriate retort to the argument, "What about Bakr Id?"

Now, a debate around this topic has been raging since the time Lord Rama came to Ayodhya after vanvaas. When the arrows of Lord Rama and Ravana collided, it created huge sparks and therefore, pollution. The liberals of that time predicted a hole in the ozone layer but rescuing Sita was apparently more important than saving the environment. However, due to technological advancements, these debates are happening much more frequently nowadays. The liberals and rational people (mostly seen online) demand a ban on crackers almost every year, although they are looked down upon by 90% of the population in India who also identify themselves as right wing nationalists. The right wing guys win the online debate by a huge margin because there is no appropriate retort to the argument, "What about Bakr Id? They should first stop killing bakras." The right wing guys, who often confuse themselves as real nationalistic heroes, think that goats and crackers are the same and so is the killing of animals and air pollution. As much as rational people would like to argue with this, they'd much rather breathe the poisonous air for the rest of their lives.

After seeing the helplessness of the rational minority, the government of India took the decision to stitch up the ozone layer. A step that would make both the right wing and the liberals happy is seen as a masterstroke in the current political scenario. A minister was quoted as saying, "We want our kids to breathe fresh air while they play with fire the whole night, so this step of stitching up the ozone layer will be the perfect way to give them a safe environment, as well as to prove to the world, especially to UNESCO, that our environmental safety measures are the best in the world." They certainly are, Mister Minister. The process of choosing the tailors, however, wasn't an easy task. About 1250 nationalist tailors applied for the job and they had to go through rigorous exams and training to pass muster. The training included activities such as spamming liberals with messages such as "What about killing bakras during Eid?", "Barkha Dutt wh***. Gaumutra best," etc. to stitching the national flag while standing. Three lucky tailors were shortlisted after this to go on the mission of stitching up the ozone layer. Ramesh and Suresh are Hindu brothers and Michael is a Christian. Ramesh, who also designed the jacket with Modi's name woven in it, was on cloud 9 after hearing the news of him being shortlisted for this project. However, we are pretty sure that he has to go much beyond cloud 9 to accomplish it. Till cloud 7654 maybe.

The leader of the opposition, Mr. Rajmohan, was quoted as saying, "If we stitch up the hole how will the pollution go out? It is a conspiracy."

The opposition, like always, seemed to have a problem with this step too. The leader of the opposition, Mr. Rajmohan, was quoted as saying, "It's all propaganda by the government. Agar wo ozone ka hole band kar denge toh pollution bahar kaise jaayega? Ye sab ek saajish hai (If we stitch up the hole how will the pollution go out? It is a conspiracy.) It's Bhopal gas tragedy- 2."

As much as the rest of the world is enjoying following this bizarre turn of events, the situation looks pretty tense down here in our country, especially in Delhi, where the pollution levels have increased to 42 times the acceptable limit. This could mean that either the machine with which we are measuring the pollution level is faulty or that our ability to comprehend the consequences of our own actions is rusted. The race of life against pollution has begun. On your mask, get set, die.