24/01/2015 12:52 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:24 AM IST

It's A Divorce, Not A Nuclear War

GERMANY - JUNE 01: Stilettos crush a picture of a man, Symbol picture about marriage, divorce,,. (Photo by Ulrich Baumgarten via Getty Images)
Ulrich Baumgarten via Getty Images
GERMANY - JUNE 01: Stilettos crush a picture of a man, Symbol picture about marriage, divorce,,. (Photo by Ulrich Baumgarten via Getty Images)

Recently I was handling a divorce matter in the family court, so litigious and acrimonious that it would put a nuclear war to shame. The couple, who had had an arranged marriage, had two daughters and the mother would not give an inch to the father during his visits with the children, alleging all sorts of misbehaviour by him. Things got even worse, just when I thought we had reached the bottom of the badgered pot, when he fell in love with a well-known celebrity who was in the news. The wife became even more vicious and did the only thing that could possibly hurt him--she made access to his very young children impossible, thus denying him an opportunity to be even infinitesimally involved in their growing up years. The battle has become so intense that even the judges have reached the end of their tether.

This makes me wonder how we are capable of so much hatred towards someone who, not so long ago, we shared our bed, our hopes, our dreams and our lives with. We teach our children to be good and to not hurt or harm anyone, but then we do the same to their father or mother. So where are we leading by example? No! Really, are we so shallow that we can't stop hurting the other parent even in front of the children, not caring about the negative impact on them?

It would all be so fantastic if we just took the easy way out (though it actually may seem more difficult) and did the decent thing by, well, just being decent. All it would require would be to curb our atavistic instincts and well, putting it simplistically, just remembering what our parents taught us about basic good manners and exercising that while going through a divorce.

C'mon, just live and let live. If your ex-spouse chooses to take another lover or job or for that matter even chooses to not have you in their life anymore, you may get hurt but learning to let go may be the right thing to do. And the sooner you learn to do that the better it is. We can just learn to separate the two lives, because they really are two lives, and not corrode them with hatred that like poisonous gas also insidiously harms our children and other family members.

It's just divorce and not the end of your life. In fact, it is the start of a new life, a life which you may not even have envisioned had your marriage not ended up in the divorce court. I know that I didn't imagine myself becoming an author, lawyer or activist before I landed up in the divorce court.

So take it on the chin, get up, dust off the hurt and dirt, smile at your soon-to-be ex, wish them the best in their life and mean it and just go out and carve a new life filled with hope, happiness and forgiveness for yourself... after all, you deserve it.