27/08/2016 5:53 PM IST | Updated 30/08/2016 8:43 AM IST

10 Dumb Comments On My Non-Pedigree Dog... And The Comebacks I Wish I'd Said

No, strays are not dumb. On the contrary, my desi is smarter than all my “purebred” ones, and definitely way smarter than you. Come to think of it, you stand outsmarted by my silliest pug.

Tanu Shree Singh

Three years ago, Nawab, the muggle, joined our household already overflowing with canines. His inclusion to our pack has brought forth interesting reactions, questions and observations. I sort of understand now, how the mudbloods felt. This is how I responded. Mostly in my head. To their face, however, I was mostly polite.

1. What breed is he? Is he a hound?

A. What breed are you? Do people go around asking you that? More importantly, would you answer that? As for whether he is a hound or not: You better start hoping that he doesn't turn into one.

2. Arrey, this looks like a stray! (Complete with a disgusted look masked with confusion.)

A. Stray by definition would, in this context, mean that Nawab is homeless and wanders around on the streets. Err.... he wanders around the house, and sometimes lingers on around the kitchen. So, stray he definitely is not.

3. Oh! You have adopted a stray? How nice of you!

A. Stray by definition... never mind. As for nice -- seriously? I think it was awfully nice of him to meet us when he did, and give us a chance to be his family. He came to us when my younger one was still grieving Jenny's passing.

4. But why did you get a stray?

A. But why are you still breathing?

5. Doesn't he carry infections? You allow him to mingle with the pugs?

A. Dude, that's a new level of being a racist. Ever heard of baths and vaccinations?

6. That's quite brave of you. Strays are quite dumb, no?

A. No. On the contrary, my desi is smarter than all my "purebred" ones, and definitely way smarter than you. Come to think of it, you stand outsmarted by my silliest pug.

7. Did you just pick him off the street? (Complete with incredulous blinking.)

A. No. We hired a chopper, airlifted him and then rolled out the red carpet.

8. Ah! Stray! You'll save up a lot on food and stuff -- they can eat anything.

A. Yeah. That is exactly the plan. We'll save on the garbage collector and the breath that would go in hollering after the chap who goes shouting "kabadiwala" down the street. On second thoughts, I wonder what he thinks of nibbling at people, especially the ones who see him as a recycling machine.

9. Good you didn't spend any money getting an exotic breed. Bloody hurtful when they die. Too expensive!

A. That's too many wrong ideas uttered in the same breath. You ought to be put on a banned list -- no person, in their right senses or otherwise, should let you adopt or purchase a pet. Again, why are you still breathing? Just curious.

10. Does he recognize you? Strays are wild, you know.

A. You obviously were sleeping through the life sciences class back in school. He is a dog, not a fruit fly. He recognizes me, and you better hope he doesn't recognize you.

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