Like all lonely people, I truly appreciate it when kind souls interfere with my life.
For example, I don't mind talking to clingy hotel managers even if my mouth is full, and I enjoy comparing salaries with chatty Uber drivers. But because they come with the maximum talk-time, I most value those older people who try to soak me in sanskars.
In fact, I rather like the newest idea of said older people - to celebrate February 14 as Parents Worship Day, or Matru Pitru Pujan Divas as it is called in Sanskaristan.
Now, you might get all rattled with me for supporting this campaign. You might tell me that love and sex are not against Indian culture, that culture is meant to evolve anyway, that no human being should be 'worshipped', and other stuff that, if taken seriously, will render older people jobless. You might then burst into tears of self-pity and head to sing "Nobody wanna see us together" on the seaside.
If you spend the day worshipping your parents, you will get two hugs, two kisses, two aashirwaads... and best of all, cash!
In response to all of your whining, I'd like to share a favourite quote of such older people, which Shilpa Shetty later remixed and dirtied -- Shut up and listen, baby, listen.
Yes, listen! Parents Worship Day is actually a superb idea, and here's how.
1. It will save you money
If your parents are anything like mine, they will take any gift you've got them, return it to the shopkeeper, and smell the refunded notes happily, in front of your own eyes.
On the contrary, if you simply take your medicines on time, wash your underwear daily and commit to preparing for MBA, your parents will weep in joy, and these are all gifts you can give them for free!
Even in case you do need to buy a gift, if you're an average Indian, you will have anywhere between two to seven siblings to share the gift cost with! This will be way cheaper than celebrating Valentine's Day, unless you are a Pandava or one of the four wives of your husband.
2. It will earn you money
A boyfriend or a girlfriend might favour you with a hug or a kiss when you give them a gift.
But if you spend the day worshipping your parents, you will get two hugs, two kisses, two aashirwaads, forgiveness for all past and two future sins, 20 compliments in front of relatives, and best of all, cash!
I do know for a fact that worshipped people are more likely to give in to your demands. That's actually the whole premise of religion...
If you're in a relationship, you can use this money to give your partner a more hideous teddy bear or a leatherier wallet for their next gift, and if you're single, it's still money and always nice to have.
3. It will woo your parents
Now I don't have much experience being worshipped (because periods took Ashtami Puja away from me too soon), but I do know for a fact that worshipped people are more likely to give in to your demands. That's actually the whole premise of religion, and considering its popularity, we can safely assume it works.
So if you're in love and paranoid that your marriage will not materialize because of upper-lower caste, north-south India, rich-poor divide and other homemade issues -- worship not only your own, but also your partner's parents on this day, and win them over when they're most pliable!
4. You will avoid being marketing-bombed
Nobody will try to aggressively sell you things in the name of Parents Worship Day, because agarbatti brands will not have that kind of budget.
On second thoughts, Bansal Classes might just launch a campaign asking you to delight your parents by preparing for JEE on this day, but then again everyone is already doing that, so they will probably not.
5. You will avoid being beaten
Some of the fiercer older people tend to beat, molest or just generally abuse couples and human rights on Valentine's day.
If you're a woman, you are probably used to fearing these things every day, and are hence not that bothered by their plans. However, some men might rightly feel nervous about it, and they will face a greater risk of being attacked than you.
If you do really, really do want to dedicate a day to love, just hijack an occasion that no one bothers about, such as World Environment Day.
So if you ladies avoid celebrating Valentine's Day, you will ensure the long lives of your partners, and thus stay true to the spirit of Karva Chauth and of our Indian Culture.
But if you do really, really do want to dedicate a day to love, just choose an occasion that no one bothers about, such as World Environment Day, and hijack it. This way, you will not be disturbed by our Culture Connoisseurs, and your parents will not be suspicious of the extra gel in your hair, or your sudden enthusiasm for waxing. Win!
Till then, happy worshipping.
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