27/02/2017 10:12 AM IST | Updated 02/03/2017 8:40 AM IST

The Man Who Got Turned On By A Breast Pump

Vladan Andrejevic

I bet he is someone who sexually harasses women on the pavement. Or on the subway. Or in a bus. A different girl every few minutes.

I was trying to sell a breast pump on a popular Indian ad site last week. Little did I know that the losers who roam around the streets, looking at women like they own them, are also lurking on sites like these.

Getting turned on by a breast pump is like getting turned on by a toilet seat.

A guy named "Rahul" from Noida messaged me saying he was interested in buying the breast pump and asked me to "send using pics". I didn't understand what he meant at first, and then he clarified saying, "click step by step useing [sic] pics."

That pervert.

So this is what I told him: "Sounds like the breast pump is definitely for you... Sadly, it won't be of use to you. This breast pump can only pump out breast milk to feed a baby. It can't pump in any grey matter into your brain."

I further added, "What you really should be looking for is a knife... To castrate yourself. The more rusted, the better. Best of luck with that."

What is it about the word "breast", in any context, that sends weirdoes like "Rahul" into overdrive? I mean really, it is a breast pump. A boring, electronic breast pump. That pumps out milk from a breast to feed a baby. NOTHING to get excited about.

Getting turned on by a breast pump is like getting turned on by a toilet seat. Both have an important use related to our human anatomy. It is that lame.

If it takes so little to excite you Rahul, make sure you look out for chicken breasts when you eat out next.

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