04/04/2015 9:31 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:25 AM IST

Why Cows Deserve More Protection Than Women

Hindu devotees pray to a cow on “Somvati Purnima” or a full moon day that falls on a Monday at Sangam in Allahabad, India, Monday, Oct. 29, 2012. Allahabad on the confluence of the rivers Ganges and Yamuna is one of Hinduism's important centers. (AP Photo/Rajesh Kumar Singh)

It is now safer to be a cow than a woman in our country. Thanks to the over-zealous saffron brigade enforcing laws ensuring her safety and long life, they are also the more empowered lot. While the Fadnavis government was busy earning brownie points, passing motions to ban consumption of beef, Haryana government went a step ahead and covered itself with cow dung by taking a historic step deciding to issue unique identification numbers to its indigenous cattle. While women in Haryana will have to live with desi names like Saali, Nikammi, Kalmunhi, and beatings from their men, cows will be anointed with cool 12 digit names, entitling them to free healthcare benefits. Moov over Jaat bois, Haryanvi gais are the new beefcake in town.

Cow slaughter in Haryana will now attract a rigorous imprisonment ranging from three years to 10 years and a fine of up to Rs 1 lakh, while girl child slaughter and rapes will continue to be a socially acceptable norm. Mumbai girls have ditched their pepper spray for beef steak to shove it into the mouth of anyone who dares molest them, since consumption of beef invites a stricter punishment than treating women like a piece of meat.

Before the unreasonable gender of the human species goes around blaming our Netas for pandering to the cattle class to gain political acreage, while they have to master the art of using pepper sprays, martial arts to keep horny men at bay, I'd like to present my arguments as to why it makes more sense to protect cows than women.

"She is happy with her God-given hooves and never craves for Jimmy Choos."

Every Cow is your Maa, hence every Maa is a cow. Like every dutiful Maa, her love is as pure and pristine as her milk. She's not only the milk of humanity, even her poop and urine, as swachh and holy as her heart, have medicinal properties. You can glug cow urine to cure yourself of cancer, diabetes and tuberculosis or any other disease you may have incurred as karma for your past sins. Once cured, you can use the extra supply to replace environment unfriendly Phenyl and swab your floors clean. RSS has developed a cow-urine-based soft drink called Gomutra Ark. The drink is a "healthy" alternative to Coca-Cola, Pepsi and other soft drinks, which are part of a wider problem resulting from corrupt Western influences. Cow dung on the other hand is fuel cum fertilizer cum purifier cum sanitizer cum skin tonic cum tooth polish rolled into patties and can be safely hailed as the Elvis Presley of excrement.

Even your biological Mom cannot claim to be so udderly useful!

"Only a cow can proclaim: my body, my mind, my choice, to be a size zero or a size fifty, with her tail held high and not be called a hypocrite like Deepika Padukone."

As much as we'd like to believe Robert Redford when he said--if you love a woman, let her go. If she comes back to you, then she's yours forever. If she doesn't, then she was never yours to begin with. Surely, we all know this is unadulterated bullshit! A woman when set free, goes to Goa and never comes back. Unlike a cow, who'll always come back to her lord and master by evening after having feasted on garbage wrapped in polythene.

Plus she is low-maintenance. She will never complain she's doesn't have a thing to wear even when her wardrobe is spilling over with her indulgences. She is happy with her God-given hooves and never craves for Jimmy Choos. All she needs is grass to moo with contentment. She's every man's dream come true!

Only a cow can proclaim: my body, my mind, my choice, to be a size zero or a size fifty, with her tail held high and not be called a hypocrite like Deepika Padukone. She is free to have sex before marriage, to have sex outside of marriage. She can step out after dark and wear what she likes, come home when she wants, even at 4 A.M and care a damn about what her bull thinks! Her soul, like her body, roams around naked. She's a snowflake and a tree. She eats shoots and leaves.

A bovine so divine, she deserves her place at a busy intersection, unmindful of the traffic and irate motorists, chewing cud as she contemplates the meaning of life.

Dear all, stop crying foul and blaming the government for imposing their saffron-coloured choices on you. She not a piece of meat, she's your Ma, for Ram's sake! Dear women, rise and rejoice for the truly liberated femme, with law on her side, even if bovine.

So what if she's left to fend for herself, survive on garbage, and milked for all she's worth!

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