1. The Sapiosexual
Every third man on Tinder describes himself as "sapiosexual". About two out of every three thinks that it means preferring The Wire to Game of Thrones. The Sapiosexual likes to brag that it takes more than a pretty face to win him over, as if there were a million pretty women standing outside his door screaming "PICK ME! ME!"
When he says he's attracted to intelligence, he means that he wants to date hot women with PhDs. You will never see this man picking up women at the World Science Conference, but he is definitely the type to quiz you on first dates about the latest book you read. I recommend answering "I don't know how to read" for maximum entertainment.
Favourite saying:"Impress me."
2. The Traveller
He describes himself as a "globetrotter" or a "wanderer". He has DSLR-quality photographs of himself in at least four different places on his Tinder profile, often clutching reluctant-looking locals. His idea of a good first date will be something "quirky" like outdoor picnics where both of you will be eaten alive by insects. On the date, he will interrupt you frequently to tell you about that "hilaaarious" adventure he had that one time with the lobster in Phuket. He is amazed that everyone isn't constantly traveling to little-known holiday destinations.
The Traveller has DSLR-quality photographs of himself in at least four different places on his Tinder profile, often clutching reluctant-looking locals.
He has 384, 592 friends on Facebook and 63,289139 holiday photo albums. Date him if you don't mind having to look at all of them over dinner.
Favourite saying: Anything from one of those Instagram accounts that combine sunsets with spiritual quotes.
3. The Addict
This man has perfected his multitasking skills from his seven (minimum) ongoing text conversations with Tinder girls, all of whom he calls "babe". The Tinder Addict will invariably disappear for two-eight months after your first date. Then he'll turn up in your texts saying "Hey, stranger. Where you been?" like you were the one blowing him off. Avoid this man, unless you're looking for a fun Friday night. (He will take you to a bar. He will always take you to a bar on every date that you go on, presumably because he is too hyperactive and distracted for a sit-down meal.)
Favourite saying: A pickup line, usually, "Intriguing profile pic."
4. The Joker
He claims to be a challenge because he tells offensive jokes on the first date. He disdains anything PC, and says that most people just don't "get" him. He loves gritty reboots of superhero movies, has a complicated relationship with his mother and has seriously considered stand-up comedy as a career. Avoid, if you're hoping that you'll discover a delightful personality underneath the layers of brooding edginess.
Date him if you don't mind the fact that you can't go anywhere with a dress code: this guy dresses exclusively in T-shirts with comic book characters on the front. He has somehow managed to reach the age of 28 without acquiring a single button-down shirt, which is an achievement.
Favourite saying: "Most people can't handle my sense of humour."
5. The Entrepreneur
You could date this guy for 10 months and still not know exactly what he does, because all you get is the vague "I'm doing a start-up" or "I'm into entrepreneurship." His startup, if he ever describes it, sounds exactly like Uber. (If you tell him this, he'll snap: "IT'S NOTHING LIKE UBER!") He works mysterious hours at undisclosed locations, which is apparently why he couldn't reply to your WhatsApp message for two days.
The Entrepreneur applies business principles to his dating life, and will text you to "network and chill" at 3am. Luckily, he always has the family inheritance to fall back on if his startup fails. Date him if you don't mind getting an Ayn Rand book for Valentine's Day.
Favourite saying:"I think outside the box."
6. The Patron
The only way to avoid this man is to set narrow age preferences. He's a man in his 30s and up who is wearing a suit and smoking a cigar in at least one of his pictures. (Needless to say, the picture is black and white.) He says age is just a number, but exclusively dates 20-somethings. He describes himself as a "gourmet." What this means is that he will order tuna tartare for you, even if you tell him you don't like tuna tartare.
Date him only if you need a life coach or if you want to play mini-golf on Sundays with old people.
Favourite saying: "Thanks to smartphones, we've lost the art of knowing how to truly communicate with each other."
7. The Bro
Ye shall know this man by the fact that his Tinder picture features White women. If not on Tinder, you'll meet the Bro at Gold's Gym. He is a "fitness freak": possibly the two unsexiest words on the planet. He loves Family Guy, expensive jeans, Honey Singh, vodka-Red Bulls, expensive cologne, and his "ride or die bros". He will begin every conversation with "Hey hottie what's your scene?"
Date him if you've ever wondered what it would be like to be in a reality show. But be warned: there is a high probability that he will take his shirt off in the club. Even if you beg him not to.
Favourite saying: A Fight Club quote
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