The world is perplexing for the self-proclaimed nice guys of the 21st century. They claim they are perpetually put in the friendzone for being good men, and can't believe women won't sleep with them, even after they take them out on dates, and pay for their meals and drinks. And if they do, why do they break up with them? Them, the last vestiges of honourable, chivalrous men? It's all because the "nice guys" are usually not as nice as they think they are.
So let's debunk the myth of the nice guys.
Put some sense in your humour
They think rape jokes are funny. When the football club they support wins, they proudly proclaim that they raped the rival team. Ha-ha. Right? Um, actually not. That's kind of being a jerk.
Acting like they're generous for allowing her to live her own life is the opposite of being a nice guy.
Rape jokes make light of the traumatic experiences of a rape survivor, and invalidate her. And assure rape sympathisers that they're right to think of rape as something laughable, or something the victim invited upon herself. And that's rape culture. Wow, and they wonder why their Tinder isn't getting any hits.
All the exes can't be crazy bitches
They like to tell their girlfriend that she's not like other girls, that she's different. Absolutely not like the crazy ex. Man, she was a raging, whiny bitch. How lucky for them that their new girl is nice and normal. Congratulations on a pretty bang up job of complimenting a person.
Putting down one woman to make another feel better about herself is kind of self-defeating. It goes on to show how they treat women who reject being with them or disagree with them or just be their own person. Pitting women against each other is problematic to say the least. Like it's somehow a girl's duty to become more dateable, change herself to fit their ideal of a good girl, only to bag a nice guy like them. Only they're anything but that.
Parenting your girlfriend
They act like a third parent to their girlfriend. They let or allow her to do things. Acting like they're generous for allowing her to live her own life is the opposite of being a nice guy. It just means they see her as something they own and control, who needs their permission to meet her friends, or do stuff she enjoys. Um, that's just confusing your girlfriend with a toddler.
They still use words like slut and whore to describe some women. They somehow think who and how many people she chooses to have sex with, what she wears or not, or her drinking habits make her less pure, less of a good girl. Everything that they think make men manly, make her a slut. You know what that makes them? Hypocritical douchebags. Maybe it's time for them to find a time travelling machine to go back a couple of centuries. Find more like-minded people.
"For a girl"
"You're funny for a girl." "You drive well for a girl." "You're smart for a girl." If you qualify your compliments with "for a girl", you've successfully made it to the list of Sexist Men No One Should Ever Date. Hmm, Sexist and Single does have a certain ring to it.
They don't listen
They suck at listening to women. They dismiss and invalidate her experiences as a woman. They make her feel small and unimportant. They mansplain her own experiences to her—like their opinions of how life is for her as a woman is more important than her actual experience of living her life as a woman. Way to go with being nice and all.
Now that you know better, how about trying to be actually nice for a change? You might even get a girlfriend.
The other term for being friendzoned is actually fuckzoned. Yep. The women they whine about friendzoning them, have been fuckzoned by them first. They don't see her as a person with feelings and values, and her own unique characteristics— you know, a person. They don't think she deserves autonomy on her own body and the right to make her own choices about whom she wants to date or have sex with. And they somehow made it all about themselves. Nice.
The selfish lover
Let's imagine, hypothetically, that there's a woman who's consented to have sex with them. (Hurrah!) And then they ruin sex for her. Proving a point about their masculinity by thrusting themselves in her repeatedly and expecting her to have an orgasm only works for one person. The guy. Most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation. And that's just science speaking. But who cares, right? Let's just let her fake one so they can bask in the afterglow of their manhood. They just shouldn't be surprised when she blocks their phone number.
Here's the catch. Now that you know better, how about trying to be actually nice for a change? You might even get a girlfriend.
This article first appeared here.