05/06/2017 9:19 AM IST | Updated 24/09/2018 6:54 PM IST

Sex Is A Crying Shame

Except when it comes to the pious peacock’s tears of course.

Kiranjeet Chaturvedi

Everything's gonna be all right, yeah!

Everything's gonna be all right!

So, no, woman, no cry.

No, woman, no cry.

Bob Marley & The Wailers may have their reasons to ask women to banish their tears, to believe that everything is gonna be all right. But I am afraid I can't find much cheer as a woman these days when I listen to the talk of pious peacocks and the sartorial choices of a film star.

We Indians have been given reason recently to mull over not just our own tears, but those of our fowl friends too. A farrago of fact and fable has been unleashed upon the chattering classes. It occupies much of the timelines and mind space of people like us. The masses meanwhile, I presume, go on doing as they have done since aeons. Popping babies by the second, making India the world's almost number one nation is sheer numbers. Largely presumably, through physical sex, which M C Sharma, a learned Judge of the Rajasthan High Court has pithily informed the nation, is not quite in the same league as the pious peacocks' procreation methods—apparently, the peahen only has to swallow the tears of a peacock and tra la there are all those pale golden ovals in the shrubbery. Shouldn't the IITs be researching this? Cheap and easy IVF may be just a few teardrops away.

Perhaps this new brand of piousness will soon become an added criterion for judging true patriots and nationalists.

Though seriously, that is not what I am taking your time about. The jokes have been done to death. What I want to bother you with are a few questions. Why must a minion of the state pontificate on the sexual life of the national bird? And how does not having physical sex make anyone—bird, bee or human—pious?

Why, after all the glorification of shaadi ka sukh and suhag ka sindoor—all forms of socially and legally sanctified sexual relations under the ambit of marriage—do we as a culture still want to take sex out of the equation?

One the one hand we have made a national heroine out of Sunny Leone for her performances as an adult entertainer. Wee girls gyrate to "Baby Doll", and her pay channel of sex videos keeps adding gold to her coffers. Fine. We are finally coming out from under the rajai... we are getting natural (ok, maybe a performance is not quite the same as "natural" but still) about our natural urges... but hold on...along comes a Judge claiming holier than thou status for non-performing peacocks. If it was some obscure quack somewhere, I'd brush it off as madness. But a judge of a state High Court? Presumably educated and knowledgeable and with great powers over his countrymen's lives. Imagine the wisdom and stance he is likely to bring to the cases before him. My mind is thoroughly boggled.

And it isn't just the judge. Indians broke the internet googling peacock sex after his pronouncement. Dudes, did you actually need to check?

How does it matter that Priyanka Chopra's legs were on show? Girls all over the country wear shorts in public now. As do RSS men, and have done for years...

Meanwhile, in another unrelated development, we have national covfefe on the uncovered legs of film star and model Priyanka Chopra, in the newly released "PC And PM in Berlin." By all accounts, this was not an official function, but an informal photo opportunity. Priyanka Chopra's legs though are trending far more than the actual discussion PM Modi had on the tour with his political counterparts. Really. How does it matter that her legs were on show? Girls all over the country wear shorts in public now. As do RSS men by the way, and have done for years, and as do most men in all parts of the nation. And Mr. Modi has been an RSS Pracharak for years. Going by the flak PC got for her frumpy, frilly, silly frock from the self-appointed framers of protocol, it would seem like there was a dangerous breach of the PM's security.

No matter what the India Today Sex Survey tells us year after year about the great libidinal revolution, we continue to have immaculate conception (with or without swallowing of tears or other body fluids) being touted as pious. Where are we headed with all this prudish narrative? Perhaps this new brand of piousness will soon become an added criterion for judging true patriots and nationalists. Maybe there will be a pollution surcharge for the unholy people who still do it the old-fashioned way. Maybe having a Brahmachari in the driver's seat makes it necessary to somehow give certificates of piety for the suppression of our sexual nature.