Watching Karan Johar's latest movie didn't feature in my weekend plans. My friends however, insisted that I be "open" to new experiences and dragged me along.
Staying back home would have put me at the mercy of cracker-crazy kids who turn the neighbourhood into something like Mosul every Diwali. So, what the hell! How bad could it be?
He spends most of the time curled up, whimpering in Alizeh's arms, while she strokes his head like he's a Labrador terrified of Diwali crackers.
The next two and a half hours turned out to be another kind of hell.
The movie began quite predictably with Karan Johar's olive branch to the Shiv Sena in the form of a hastily written tribute to the army jawans that roughly translated to, "Please don't stop the release of my film."
The film (a flashback) is the story of one Ayan Sanger, a famous singer.
Ayan (Ranbir Kapoor) is a simple-minded chap studying in London. He has a rich daddy, a private jet and dreams of becoming a famous singer like Mohammed Rafi. He is in incredible touch with his feelings and cries so much, that when depressed, he is a risk to low-lying areas.
He meets Lucknowi girl Alizeh (Anushka Sharma) at a party in London. Alizeh is a free spirit who loves Bollywood, partying and screaming her head off at random intervals. They hit it off instantly and after a few parties, become quite close despite the fact that they are seeing other people. Ayaan's girlfriend, Lisa, played by an irritating Lisa Haydon is the unimaginative, sexist portrayal of "all beauty and no brains" She unconvincingly tries to come across as the clingy, pouting, jealous girlfriend. Alizeh's boyfriend is the quickly forgettable Dr. Faisal.
Dr. Faisal and Lisa have a fling and Ayan is devastated. He spends most of the time curled up, whimpering in Alizeh's arms, while she strokes his head like he's a Labrador terrified of Diwali crackers. Suddenly, he wakes up with bloodshot eyes and an unshakeable affection for his "bro", Alizeh, that borders on the maniacal.
Amidst cheers and gasps enters "DJ" Ali (Fawad Khan), Alizeh's former flame. Alizeh eventually decides to marry him and Ayan goes crazy. At the wedding, he stalks her around the house, hits himself with a potted plant, sings a sad song, shoves her, shows her the middle finger and acts like a weirdo. Why? Because the girl who was his "bestest" friend until that moment doesn't want to marry him on the day of her wedding (to someone else). Such a reasonable request.
He leaves in a huff and happens to meets Saba (Aishwarya Rai) at the airport. He grabs a bunch of grapes, eats them like a caveman and "same pinches" Saba. Instead of reporting a mentally unstable man at the boarding terminal, Saba gives him her phone number and they eventually fall in love. Saba is a poet who on a normal day speaks as if she is at a poetry reading event at Hogwarts. When not speaking in riddles, she is either walking in knee-high boots, looking "come hither" at the camera or tossing her hair around every street corner in Vienna.
Someone dressed up poor Aishwarya and told her that this was a photo shoot and not a movie.
Paths cross again and Ayan realizes what an important part Alizeh plays in his life. Fawad Khan's character is shunted out early because the MNS got wind of a Pakistani actor on Indian soil. Ayan becomes a famous singer after a few YouTube videos and "likes". The movie has a predictable ending with Ayan and Alizeh promising to be friends "forever and ever."
If the movie was supposed to be a take on love and friendships, it fell flat and didn't scratch the surface of any original idea. The writing was clearly lazy, the characters, stereotypical and the narrative, self-absorbed and sluggish. The performances of the lead actors were terrible!
Ranbir Kapoor looks permanently surprised, Anushka Sharma goes through the motions like she has a plane to catch and someone dressed up poor Aishwarya and told her that this was a photo shoot and not a movie.
Another lazy attempt at filmmaking where the director tries to fill in gaping holes in an amateur plot with designer wear, exotic locations, Ranbir's puppy dog expressions, a few songs and star cameos.
Someone said this movie was inspired by Karan Johar's personal experiences. If this was indeed true, he could have bought a punching bag, a bottle of good scotch, a personal diary or whatever. He chose to film a dumb movie across Europe instead.