Parenting author Adrian Kulp knows all about post-baby sex. In all four of his wifeâs pregnancies, their kids were nursed for 26 months.
âThat means that weâve either had a co-sleeping crib next to the bed or had many nights in which the baby split the difference of our king-sized bed,â Kulp, the author of Weâre Pregnant, The First-Time Dadâs Pregnancy Handbook, told HuffPost.
âWith baby number four having arrived almost nine months ago, itâs now been cumulatively a third of a decade that our sex life has become... quieter,â he said.
âQuietâ doesnât equal no sex. While having a family easily could have translated into a dry spell for the couple, with small changes, Kulp and his wife have staved off a sexless marriage.
âSex or love life after your baby arrives can be extremely complicated,â he said. âWhile itâs less rowdy and uninhibited, itâs still good.â
How do you adjust and keep your sex life satisfying when youâre new parents? After all, technically, you canât have intercourse until your doc clears you for it, about six weeks post-birth.
Below, Kulp and other experts share what to expect with post-baby sex.
Physically, itâs going to take some getting used to for both of you.
Sex is great when youâre in tune and comfortable with your body. But your body after baby is likely very different from what it was before you had kids. You might be left with C-section scars, more of a tummy than youâd like, breast tenderness or urinary incontinence, among other lovely things. (Shout out to âpeezingâ: sneezing and peeing at the same time!)
No matter how uncomfortable (or, hey, comfortable!) you might be with how you look, try to remind yourself to love your body.
Your partner should love your body, too. Nowâs the time to remind your wife or girlfriend that youâre still a big fan of her body, said Emily Cook, a marriage and family therapist in Washington, D.C., and author of The Marriage Counseling Workbook.
âGetting to know â and love and appreciate! â her post-baby body is an important task for both partners,â she said. âExplore. Are there new erogenous zones to discover? Are there body parts that are off-limits for a while? What feels good now and what feels uncomfortable? Being gentle with one another is key.â
Itâs super important to schedule sex.
Canât seem to squeeze in some sexy time? It might sound painfully unsexy, but consider setting a Google calendar alert. If you donât, you run the risk of days, weeks or months going by without it, said Amy Nobile, co-author of Iâd Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper: Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage.
âAfter my two pregnancies, I learned you need to schedule sex on your terms and you have to commit to it,â she told HuffPost. âIf youâre a morning sex kind of girl, make it a priority in the AM, even once or twice a week. And think about going away for even one night (to a local hotel!) with your partner â youâll rediscover who this other person who lives in your house is.â (Seriously, donât underestimate the life-changing power of hotel sex in relationships.)
Your definition of intimacy changes.
Remember: Penetrative sex isnât the be all, end all in sex. While your partner might be too sore or disinterested in penetrative sex, thereâs still plenty left to do, sexually speaking.
Take turns touching each other, focusing on the sensation of it and gradually adding more mutual touch until you eventually build up to intercourse â but only when youâre both super in the mood for it.
The idea is to use non-demand touching â where touch is for pleasure, connection and discovery, not an obvious grab for penetrative sex â said Erin Martinez-Gilliard, a sex therapist in Dearborn, Michigan.
âCuddles and kisses, foreplay â they all can open the door to more options,â she said. âYour wife may say, âYes, I would like to be close to you, but I need to keep my clothes on while we cuddle.ââ
âBe responsive to that,â Martinez-Gilliard added. âThis simple change in response can bring the relationship clarity in regards to individual intimacy needs. Talking this way also decreases the risk of rejection and resentment a good bit.â
Nursing makes foreplay... interesting.
If you or your partner is nursing, foreplay is inevitably going to change. Itâs hard to go from nursing a small human to having a grown man or woman paw at you. Obviously, tread lightly with your lactating lover.
âMy wife, very understandably, had a difficult time mentally making the switch between feeding our daughter and allowing me the opportunity to... enjoy them,â Kulp said. âGetting to know these new boundaries or situations in which your partner doesnât feel comfortable certainly involves a learning curve â but it wonât last forever. We both just adjusted while she was nursing our babies, and it was no big deal.â
Well-timed conversations about sex expectations are a must.
For most couples â even incredibly happy ones â the general, pervasive fatigue of having a newborn creates more arguments and conflict within the relationship. That doesnât bode well for your sex life. If youâre unsatisfied in the bedroom, talk about what you miss about it. If youâre on the receiving end of this conversation, listen to your partner with an empathetic ear. Word to the wise, though? Donât broach the conversation when youâre both exhausted.
âBe careful with the timing of all conversations after baby!â Gilliard said. âIn the middle of the night when youâre both tired isnât a time that sets you up for success.â
Remember: This is a temporary situation in your sex life.
When the sleepless, sexually frustrating nights start to get the best of you, remind yourself that this is a passing problem in your relationship. Eventually the kids will grow up and you and your S.O. can get back to getting busy.
âYou have to embrace the change,â Kulp said. âThese arenât easy times. Itâs like you have a human barrier between you and your partner. But ultimately, my wife and I know that it wonât be forever that these little ones are crawling into bed with us.â