In the past six weeks, more than 30 million Americans have filed for unemployment benefits because of the coronavirus outbreak. One in 6 American workers are estimated to be out of a job as of last Thursday.
Maybe one of those workers is someone you know. If youâre wondering how to support and show up for your former colleague or friend right now, first consider what you shouldnât say to someone whoâs just lost their job.
The lack of control people are feeling and the stress of staying healthy during a deadly pandemic is âstress on top of stressâ for people going through job loss right now, Patrick OâMalley, a grief and trauma psychotherapist based in Texas, told HuffPost.
These well-meaning words of support could be doing more harm than good:
1. âWhy now? How did they tell you? Did they give you a severance package?â
âAsking people for details pertaining to loss of employment is a boundary breach,â said Kristin Bianchi, a Maryland-based licensed psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Behavior Change. âThis is particularly true when the loss in question may be a source of shame to the individual.â
Instead of prying for information, let the person decide how much they are willing to share with you before you ask. Asking less and listening more is the most respectful approach.
âWhile itâs perfectly human to have questions, exercising restraint demonstrates that we prioritize their privacy over our curiosity,â Bianchi told HuffPost.
If you are still employed, OâMalley added, a former colleagueâs job loss is also not your opportunity to gossip or complain to them about work.
âIf the person who is supposed to be helping is complaining, thatâs an insensitivity,â he said. âYou are talking to somebody who likely wishes they had something.â
2. âYouâre not alone. At least youâre not the only one who is unemployed right now!â
When you tell your unemployed friend or colleague that they are not the only person unemployed during the pandemic, you are making broad assumptions about their specific experience.
Telling someone they are not alone âdoesnât feel personal,â said Lisa OrbĂ©-Austin, a licensed psychologist and executive coach in New York. âSomebody might be laid off and theyâre OK, and for some people, itâs devastating. Itâs not always OK. Not thinking about things from your perspective can be helpful.â
3. âThink of all you have to be grateful for. Thank goodness itâs not ... â
Sometimes, people try to be supportive by comparing worse situations or pointing out the positive things in peopleâs lives.
This kind of comparison can show up in language like ââBut at least youâve got thisâ or âThank goodness itâs not that.â Thatâs all well-intended,â OâMalley said, âbut itâs invalidating, minimizing to the individualâs story, because typically for many folks, this is loss and fear.â
âWhat not to do is to assume that your role is to make somebody feel better about it.â
Many people have abject fear about how the pandemic will affect their finances, while others may be OK with finances but theyâre losing the meaning they get from work, OâMalley said.
âThe rule of thumb is, donât try to fix. Listen more than talk,â he said.
When you ask someone who is unemployed to stay positive, you are signaling that itâs not OK for that person to be less than happy right now.
âReminding people to count their blessings in the wake of any life-changing loss can make it seem as though we perceive them to be ungrateful,â Bianchi said. âThis has the potential to make them feel guilty and to question their character.â
4. âWhen I lost my job...â
âWhile we may wish to show solidarity by sharing that we have an experience in common, this type of statement takes attention away from the person who has lost their job and puts them in a position of feeling as though they have to console us during their time of loss,â Bianchi said.
5. âYouâre going to be fine. Youâre going to be OK.â
People who want to be supportive may say, âYouâre going to be fineâ to give their friend hope, but OâMalley said this is not helpful because itâs a cliche that is not specific to the personâs experience.
âWhat not to do is to assume that your role is to make somebody feel better about it,â he said. âTheyâre more likely to get there if you make the space [for them] to get through whatever is going on.â
Instead of making uncertain promises, be more direct and specific in your acknowledgment of their feelings. OâMalley said if it is true to your relationship with the unemployed person, you can say something like, âI certainly have great confidence that youâll figure this out, but right now must be really scary. I certainly wish for you that you can get things back to the way they were before the pandemic, but letâs just talk about right now.â
The goal, OâMalley said, is to make sure your words of support arenât trying to spin or fix the problem.
Showing support to an unemployed person means staying present to their needs, not what you need.
Listen more than talk, and share advice only when asked. Accept that you may not be the person your unemployed colleague or friend wants to talk to about this. And if they do talk, listen â donât offer your two cents about what they should do next.
âDonât consult unless youâre clearly asked to consult,â OâMalley said. âThese are two very different forms of interaction: the listening, reflecting, supporting and holding and support versus the consulting, advising and directing. My opinion is that you never start with the latter. You only go to the latter if youâre invited.â
Acknowledgment is better than silence. Even if itâs awkward to bring it up, OâMalley said engaging and attempting to connect about job loss is better than not acknowledging it happened. âYour better mistake if youâre making a mistake is to engage ... than not say anything at all,â he said.
Share your professional contacts. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can offer to the other person, âIf thereâs a contact you want me to reach out to, I would be more than happy to do so,â OrbĂ©-Austin said, adding that a letter of reference or LinkedIn recommendation are also helpful ways to show professional support.
Check in on them more than once. Donât see support as a one-and-done interaction, OâMalley said. See it as an ongoing process of engaging and connecting so that your unemployed friend or colleague feels supported.
If youâre trying to be a good friend or colleague to someone going through job loss, âmake yourself a note to check in on them once a month or every few weeks, just saying, âChecking in. Want to see whatâs the same, whatâs different and how youâre feeling about all of this,ââ OâMalley said.
Team up with others to provide help. You and other supportive friends and colleagues can send a letter or card, deliver a favorite meal or give a gift card, Bianchi said. If youâre giving a gift card, âconsider using anonymity if you sense that although the contribution is needed, knowledge of the sender might be injurious to [their] pride,â she said.
If the unemployed person has disclosed their need for help publicly, you can âteam up with other members of their social network to provide them with various types of support,â Bianchi added. âThis may involve crowdfunding, meal trains and many other types of assistance with the logistics of staying afloat in the absence of an income.â
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