Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I'm so glad I brought my kids to the park so they can ask me for snacks non-stop somewhere different than at home.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 25, 2019
I don’t think our youngest has taken a single breath while telling us this story that started in 2012.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 25, 2019
[Watching an educational show]
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 24, 2019
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let's watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn't he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Become a parent so that your first reaction to someone screaming “OW!” in another room is to roll your eyes and sigh
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 22, 2019
Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 20, 2019
We have channels for the first time and while watching cartoons with my 6 y/o he had to pee.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) July 25, 2019
Him: Can you pause it?
Me: I can’t, it’s TV
Him: *pause* Ok then can you stop watching until I’m done so it’s fair?
Someone explain to me why I closed my eyes until he came back 😂
Before becoming a parent, literally no one prepares for the day you might have to pep talk another person into "making a poopy".
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) July 25, 2019
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn't eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba's ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 25, 2019
Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 22, 2019
My 5 year old got mad that I told him to try a bite of French Toast because I think he’d like it. He said “you don’t know ANYTHING about my life!” Boy I been with you almost every second since your conception but go off I guess
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 24, 2019
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that for dinner.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 21, 2019
ME: What do you want?
DAUGHTER: Noodles.
ME: …This is noodles.
DAUGHTER: I don’t want that.
ME: I don’t…I don’t know where we go from here.
My preschooler wanted me to play with her so she asked my wife for permission if you were wondering how much authority I have in the home.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 26, 2019
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2019
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s storming pretty severely here. Just had the following conversation with my toddler:
— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) July 22, 2019
*Thunder clap*
Sally: What was that?
Me: That’s just some angels playing ball in heaven
Sally: No Mommy. It’s thunder.
Me: 😬
This summer, my kids are learning how to cook*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 24, 2019
*microwave cups of mac-n-cheese
I finally found my sleep number.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) July 24, 2019
It’s 0.
0 kids.
me to my first kid: OMG YOU’RE WALKING *tears* oh the places you will go
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) July 23, 2019
me to my second: yayyy rockstar!!
me to my third: whoa slow down there, what’s the rush lmao
me to my fourth: *discreetly knocks him over* dude I just sat down for the first time in a year, chill
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
— Professional Worrier (@com3t0think0fit) July 26, 2019
[loud screaming in the next room]
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2019
Me: Hey! What's going on in there?
7-year-old: We're screaming.
Glad we cleared that up.
Parenthood is serving regular meals of, “Dream big, my loves, for you can be anything” with a side of, “Please be less annoying” at least once a week.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 25, 2019