The hot topic in marriage therapistâs offices right now? Emotional labor.
The last few years, a number of viral essays and Facebook posts have highlighted the trouble with emotional labor, or the weight and effort of managing nearly everything at home â especially the seemingly invisible jobs no one else seems to track or recognize.
Itâs tasks like scheduling doctorâs appointments, making sure the kidsâ lunches are packed, helping them with homework assignments and navigating emotional crises (everyone elseâs, as well as your own). Originally, the term was applied to workplace interactions, but itâs recently been used for housework and parenting tasks, too.
Unfortunately, the invisible work of running a household and raising the kids disproportionately falls on womenâs shoulders. And in many cases, itâs on top of their day-to-day responsibilities at work.
Now that thereâs a catch-all phrase for this work, spouses â wives in particular â are more prone to talk about it. Kurt Smith and other therapists HuffPost interviewed for this piece said the emotional labor divide is brought up most by heterosexual couples.
âIâm regularly addressing this problem with partners,â said Smith, a couples therapist in Roseville, California. âWhen I ask them if theyâve had a discussion about the roles each is taking on and how theyâll split up the household responsibilities, I almost always get a âno.ââ
Our guess why that conversation never happens? The emotional laborer in the relationship was probably too damn tired to add it to their to-do list. When you do it all â mediate fights between the kids, run household chores, schedule doctorâs appointments, get everyone to bed â you donât have the mental or emotional wherewithal to actually address it.
Still, Smith said, âMy go-to advice to the couple is to start this discussion. I say âdiscussionâ because it should be an ongoing, ever-evolving conversation, not a one-and-done talk that happened 15 years ago.â
Because thatâs easier said than done, we asked Smith and other therapists to share the exact advice they give when this issue comes up in their offices. Weâve divided their advice into two categories: what they tell the exhausted spouse and what they tell the spouse whoâs slacking off.
Donât assume your spouse should âjust get it.â Youâre going to have to talk about this.
In an ideal world, your partner would recognize the hot mess your household would be if you werenât handling it all. Theyâd home in on the tasks that need to be done and do it without being asked. In the real world, you probably need to speak up about the inequity here. (A word to the wise: Have the discussion when youâre well-rested and have some alone time, not after a long day of putting out fires at work and home.)
âDonât assume that your partner should âjust get it.â Tell them itâs bothering you,â Smith said. âRecognizing non-verbal cues isnât always a strength for many men because theyâre out of habit, but itâs definitely something that can be worked on.â
If heâs never heard of âemotional laborâ and really doesnât get it, consider using the definition offered by writer Khe Hy: âShit someone does that goes unrecognized.â (Nailed it, actually.)
As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. Instead, tell your partner how you feel when you are overburdened with responsibilities.
âTell them you feel anxious, trapped, burdened, worried, alone, ignored, invisible, unappreciated, sad, or distant when you do it all and how you really donât want to feel that way,â she said. âIf you get your communication right, your partner will respond with empathy and compassion.â
Resist the temptation to point fingers. Youâre both responsible for falling into this dynamic.
Without even realizing, you may have fallen into an unspoken agreement about responsibilities around the house, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco.
âFor parents, the unconscious agreement might be, âI prioritize the needs of my children above the needs of my relationship or myself,ââ she explained. âWith a significant other, it might sound like, âMy partnerâs career is more important than mine.ââ
All too often, those unspoken agreement falls along depressingly gendered lines: You might be a full-time worker just like your husband, but that doesnât matter. Your âsecond shiftâ begins the minute you walk through the door and the kids run to you.
For your own well-being, donât allow yourself or your spouse to fall into these traps.
Stop doing everything. Let some things fall to the wayside and see what happens.
Stepping back can be difficult, but doing so can change your entire dynamic. See what happens if you donât address everything, even if the thought alone fills you with immense dread (including visions of âDâ test grades for the kids or your home looking like an episode of âHoardersâ).
âYou might assume you have to perform all the emotional labor because your partner canât or wonât,â said Anna Poss, a therapist in Chicago. âIn reality, youâve created the expectation that youâll bear the burden and have established that role in the relationship. It sends a message to their partner that they are not expected to help and often, that they should not.â
In the process of letting go, mistakes will be made â but theyâll also be learned from. Donât underestimate your partnerâs ability to get most things done, said Greg Cason, a psychologist based in Los Angeles.
âTo make things move faster, refrain from complaining about what your partner isnât doing and just ask your partner for help,â he said. âThen, whatever your partner does, give them kudos and keep letting go.â
Examine why you feel responsible for doing it all.
Often the partner who shoulders most of the emotional labor grew up with a parent who âover-functionedâ to compensate for a partner who slacked off. Itâs a vicious familial cycle. Remind yourself that that doesnât need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland.
âYou might just be subconsciously emulating this same dynamic you saw with your parents and then blaming your partner for it,â she said. âOften, your partner does less because you allow them to, because you expect them to, and because you teach them how to treat you.â
Think of what your home life might be like if your spouse wasnât there.
Understanding and genuinely appreciating the emotional labor your partner performs every day is difficult if everything is going swimmingly at home. And if you donât feel pressured to do it, is this stuff really all that important?
Emotional labor might be called invisible work, but look hard enough and youâll see your spouseâs handiwork: The report card grade that improved because she prodded your kid to study. The new contact lenses your 11-year-old is sporting because your wife made a doctorâs appointment and took him. The weekend at your parentsâ house thatâs all squared away because she organized it and packed.
Look around your house, consider your family life, and imagine the chaos that would ensue if she wasnât handling all of it, Cason said.
âOnce youâve realized things really would fall apart, itâs time to step up,â he said. âFor your part, you need to radically accept there is a problem, then apologize to your partner for not always being there. Be careful not to give excuses and ask your partner how you can help. Better yet, look for ways to help and help shoulder the emotional burdens.â
Stop telling yourself âsheâs just better at this kind of stuff.â
Thereâs nothing in your wifeâs genetic coding that makes her better suited to this kind of work. You are just as intuitive, empathetic and caring as she is. Youâre just as capable of rooting her on in her career and playing in-house therapist when your 16-year-old experiences her first breakup.
Emotional labor is a habit that is practiced rather than the result of a personâs personality or some sort of character trait, Poss said.
âIf it is a new habit, it will take some time and a little work for it to feel natural,â she said. âBut helping your partner bear the emotional labor load will not only enhance their satisfaction in the relationship, but yours as well.â
Monitor your helpfulness around the house. (Download a habit tracker if you have to!)
Now that you know this is an issue, look for areas where you can do some heavy lifting around the house or with the kids.
âAt least once a day ask yourself âHow can I be helpful to my partner?ââ said Marie Land, a psychologist in Washington, D.C. âAt least once a week ask your partner how you can be helpful.â
If it helps, download a habit tracker app so you can monitor your progress.
Donât be afraid of the criticism. Ask for feedback and practice being non-defensive.
Your spouse may slide back into criticism on this journey to redistribute the emotional labor. If they do, cut them some slack; they probably have years of resentment built up. That might play out in them being critical of how you handled one of your new tasks. Take it in stride.
âIf youâre the slacking-off spouse, you might feel frustrated by never getting it right when you help, justifying your avoidance to engage,â Clark said. âKeep engaging, though.â
Point out your progress and stay receptive to your partnerâs feedback without being defensive or feeling like itâs a personal attack.
âAim to listen,â Clark said. âSimply being willing to hear, and understand, your partner is a powerful, and effective, first step in reestablishing connection and solving this problem.â