On top of the usual romantic challenges, long-distance relationships come with their own set of issues. Whether youâre 100 miles apart or 10,000, there will likely be times when things feel particularly distant.
âItâs only natural for two people who arenât living in the same area to experience feeling the distance at times. To expect otherwise, youâd be kidding yourself,â said Neely Steinberg, a dating coach and founder of The Love TREP.
When issues like work stress, family problems or health struggles arise, it may feel easier to pull back from someone who isnât present geographically. Or there may just be stretches when things simply feel off between the two of you.
âPeople sometimes forget that the primary purpose of a romantic relationship is to provide comfort and security, and most people need physical closeness in order to feel comfort and security,â said Seth Meyers, a psychologist and author of âOvercome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.â
âA long-distance relationship can be a happy and fulfilling one, but the distance will cause occasional moments when the individuals have pangs of loneliness.â
There are ways to work through this, however. Below, Meyers, Steinberg and other experts share their advice for what to do when a long-distance relationship starts to feel extra distant.
Work on your communication skills.
âRelationships may start to feel extra distant when one or both partners arenât communicating enough,â said Alysha Jeney, a therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling in Denver. âMaybe they are struggling external to the relationship and donât want to communicate about it and resort to pulling away to cope. Maybe partners are struggling with building intimacy from a distance and need to prioritize the uniqueness of their relationship.â
She noted that transparent and vulnerable communication is important in a long-distance relationship, so itâs important to express what youâre feeling while youâre living apart rather than let things fester.
âCouples may struggle when they make assumptions about each other and begin to build insecurities or assumptions,â Jeney added.
Talk about whatâs happening in your day-to-day life. That way, your partner will know what challenges youâre dealing with outside the relationship rather than fill in the blanks with unhealthy assumptions.
Ask difficult questions.
âBe curious,â advised Jeney. âAsk questions that are not accusatory, such as âI wanted to check in and see how youâre feeling in general and about us.â Or âHow are you feeling about how things are going in our relationship? What can we do to bridge any gaps or disconnects?ââ
Steinberg echoed this sentiment, emphasizing that you have to be willing to face any issues that arise head-on but should avoid being overly accusatory or jumping to conclusions. And donât let your fears about what the answers or consequences might be prevent you from asking the tough questions.
âBring up your concerns and feelings in a sensitive, mature way â to let the other person know how their behavior is affecting you,â she said. âSay, âWhen you go a few days without checking in, I start to feel disconnected from you. Is there a way we can make this work better for the both of us?â You will learn a lot about the person and how important the relationship is to him/her by his/her response to your requests.â
Set expectations together.
âTrust is huge with long-distance relationships, and you both need to express your expectations and make fair agreements so both of you are on the same page about your connection and responsibility to each other,â Jeney said.
Do a bit of housekeeping by setting expectations together. This involves discussing each otherâs needs and feelings so that you can agree to a schedule for visiting each other, as well as how often you want to be communicating with each other via text and video chat.
Talk about your long-term hopes and expectations as well. Meyers noted that itâs helpful for couples to âmutually remind each other of their shared goals for the relationship.â
Make tangible plans.
âRelationships thrive off of anticipation of things you might do together or moments you may create,â said Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and host of the âDates & Matesâ podcast. âIf there isnât a specific plan to be together that you are working towards, a relationship can feel distant and aimless.â
She advised building moments of anticipation in the relationship â whether thatâs an in-person meet-up or a fun virtual date night.
âKnowing you have special time together coming up can give you both a sense of purpose in the relationship,â she explained.
Take stock of your needs and feelings.
âIndividually, you can work on mindfulness and be really attuned to your own needs and feelings throughout the day,â Jeney noted. âIf you miss your partner, how do you respond to it? Do you reach out to your partner excessively, do you suppress it and move on? How can your feelings and needs be congruent with your behavior?â
Understanding yourself will make you better able to communicate your needs and feelings when you have big conversations and set expectations.
Try to be a better listener.
In addition to better equipping yourself to express what you want and need, you should also work on your ability to process your partnerâs needs and feelings. Showing interest in what your partner has to say goes a long way.
âFrom a self-improvement perspective, make sure you are focused on building your listening skills so your partner feels connected and supported when you speak,â Hoffman suggested.
âThe key to a fulfilling long-distance relationship is a relationship that offers tremendous emotional intimacy,â Meyers said, adding that showing curiosity in what is happening in your partnerâs daily life is one way to increase that emotional intimacy.
Get creative.
Distance poses unique challenges, so itâs important to think outside the box while youâre apart.
âCouples who are separated by geography must work harder and be more creative in order to sustain a sense of closeness,â Meyers noted. âSending tiny gifts on a regular basis and designing fun, creative theme dates on the phone or virtually can go a long way in keeping two people connected.â
You can also spice up your standard video chat, Hoffman suggested.
âInstead of the boring usual video chat, play a game together or do an activity like sip and paint night to give yourself an additional interaction point than just the conversation,â she said.
Blissed Connections is an editorial series that explores practical ways to strengthen and deepen the relationships you have â or want to have â with the people in your life.