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'The Arrest Of My Husband Prashant Kanojia Nearly Destroyed My Mental Health'

Jagisha Arora on the psychological toll borne by the partners and families of people targeted by the State.
Jagisha Arora
Jagisha Arora

On 21 October, the Allahabad High Court granted bail to journalist Prashant Kanojia, noting that his application could not be rejected on “any tangible ground”. Kanojia had already spent two months in jail over allegedly sharing a morphed post about the Ram Temple on Twitter. It was not the first time he was jailed over a tweet: last year, Kanojia was arrested for posting a video about Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath and was held until the Supreme Court ordered his release.

In both cases, the petitioner who took on the government and knocked on the doors of courts for Kanojia’s release, while also working to create public awareness, was his wife Jagisha Arora. Her strength and commitment have earned her some admiration, but the emotional costs have been catastrophic.

In this personal account, she lifts the curtain on the turmoil and pain endured by the loved ones of people who are targeted by the State. Such a battle can also lead to a “loss of identity” and deepen old wounds, says Jagisha, who fought against her dominant-caste family to marry Kanojia, a Dalit, and was already struggling to find her place in conservative Uttar Pradesh.

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It is not easy to be the wife of a political prisoner. We live daily with a strange fear. Prashant’s arrest two months ago has had the deepest impact on my mental state. I have not been able to sleep properly. When I’d sit down for a meal, I’d wonder whether he had eaten or not. I’m suffering from depression and am on medication for anxiety; when the court gave us a date after four weeks, I physically couldn’t leave my bed for two straight days. Prashant may have been the one in jail, but I and others like me have, in effect, become prisoners too.

When the State attacks you, you become a puppet to forces you cannot control. I was recognised as Prashant’s wife but my own identity was lost somewhere. My personal demons reared their heads too. This ordeal brought back the traumas from my childhood and a previous abusive relationship, and it became even more difficult to cope with the way the State treated me.

I was haunted by the past even as I tried to cope with the present reality. It’s so difficult to stay in a room and think the same thoughts and still keep fighting. Yet, fight I have to, just as Prashant did for me.

He was there for me when no one else was

I’ve struggled with depression for many years, starting with my father’s death when I was 6 years old. I became sad, withdrawn, and irritable. It didn’t help that I was bullied at school by peers as well as teachers, and that my brother took on a domineering role at home. I couldn’t confide in my mother because I didn’t have the words for it.

As I grew older, my loneliness and desolation increased. I was not even allowed to go out of the house. I felt suffocated, would cry a lot, and at one time I could not get out of bed for 30 days. I even tried to harm myself, but no one in my family took my distress seriously. One major reason for my depression was an abusive relationship, which made me question my worth. But when the abuser leaves no mark on your body, where can you get help? My family were not interested in trying to understand me and even my friends said I was crazy. I finally sought professional help, somehow managing to meet the expenses myself.

“When the State attacks you, you become a puppet to forces you cannot control.”

It was around this time that I met Prashant, and we clicked immediately. I told him about my depression during our very first meeting, and he said, “I am with you”. Being around him helped me feel better. Whenever I’d get upset, he’d make me laugh. He never judged me when I explained my problems. One night at home, at around 2am, I was feeling deeply distressed and my brother started mocking me. That’s when I ran away and called Prashant. He arrived as soon as he could, gave me a hug, and took me home. Once again, he lovingly told me, “I believe in you, I am with you”.

He supported me. He was there for me. And though I could not be entirely free from my childhood emptiness, his belief in me strengthened me and my condition improved significantly.

My struggle for identity

My family did not accept my relationship with Prashant because they did not want me to marry outside the caste. I decided to go against them and moved in with Prashant. Many threats followed but I was certain that I did not want to go back to that life of suffocation and discomfort. Still, it was hard. I remember being unable to sleep and crying all night, but I survived it because Prashant would comfort me.

Finally, we got married, but new problems came with it. One issue was acceptance. On the one hand, my own family members were estranged from me because I married outside my caste. But on the other hand, his Bahujan friends did not accept me either because I was from a so-called upper caste. I was not deemed acceptable by either side! Apart from this, people would tease Prashant that I could not cook and it really got to me.

Jagisha Arora speaks to journalists in June 2019 after the Supreme Court ordered the immediate release of her husband Prashant for a post he had shared on social media against Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath.
Hindustan Times via Getty Images
Jagisha Arora speaks to journalists in June 2019 after the Supreme Court ordered the immediate release of her husband Prashant for a post he had shared on social media against Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath.

The other issue was that I felt that I was losing my identity. Perhaps due to my childhood trauma, I doubted myself severely and it sometimes bothered me that I was recognised only as Prashant’s wife. When I started writing, people would say that I must be passing off Prashant’s work as my own. They’d say things like, “Where do you know and understand so much?”

Even during Prashant’s arrest, I was known only as his wife and as soon as he came out, people immediately forgot me. Nobody mentioned my struggle. I don’t want praise but I do want my identity. I do not want to just be someone’s wife, daughter-in-law, or daughter. I want to be a human being.

Living with fear

Being married to Prashant has been difficult because he writes and speaks without fear. I have been constantly anxious that he could either be arrested or killed because of that. One of those fears came true on 18 August 2020 when the police knocked on the door.

I’m still afraid that even worse things could happen, especially under the current government. I worry about what the police could do in this day and age of ‘encounters’. I worry that a mob might kill Prashant because he speaks against casteism. Or they might kill him because he talks about peace. It’s not an unfounded fear. After all, my husband has spent months in jail even though he has never committed a crime. Though he shared that tweet, he immediately deleted it when he realised it was fake.

When Prashant was arrested, my depression came back with a vengeance. I was having anxiety attacks. I found it so hard to function that I needed medication. Yet, I have to stand up for my husband and our shared ideals.

The invisible victims

I know that I am not alone in fighting fascism and taking up the cause of a loved one who has fallen victim to the State. I have formed friendships with others like me, such as Umar Khalid’s friend Banojyotsna. When Umar was arrested in September under the Unlawful Activities (Prevention) Act, or UAPA, I spoke to her and she too shared that she was mentally in a very bad state. She told me that he was not allowed to meet even his family due to Covid-19 and that she was scared he would be attacked in jail because of his religion. She was very angry, and understandably so.

I also spoke to Maaysha, the daughter of activist Sudha Bharadwaj, who was arrested in the Elgaar Parishad case (related to the Bhima Koregaon incident) in 2018. Maaysha, who is only 23 years old, told me that her mental state has been deeply affected ever since her mother was sent to jail. For months she had panic attacks and crying jags when she’d think about her mother. She could not comprehend what was going on. People would tell her “everything will be alright”, but she would think — when will everything be alright? When will my mother get out of jail? All our bail applications were rejected!

“When Prashant was arrested, my depression came back with a vengeance. I was having anxiety attacks. I found it so hard to function that I needed medication. Yet, I have to stand up for my husband and our shared ideals.”

Sometimes people still ask me why I am so aggressive. Let me tell you why, again. My husband spent weeks in jail over a tweet. I am on medication to cope and have very little support. This whole process has consumed my life and destroyed my mental health. I have every right to be aggressive. I will continue to fight against this Brahmanical regime. I know many people are not with me and that’s completely okay. My love has the power to make anything possible. I don’t have my family’s support but I do have friends and Bahujan activists to back me up.

All I want right now is for people to not forget about what happened to Prashant, and for them to talk about what is happening to those who are currently in jail. We also need to talk about their family and friends who are behind them every step of the way.

I’ve written about my battle today, but there are many other partners and families of political prisoners who are still fighting every day. They too are victims of a cruel system. Let’s not forget about them.

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This article exists as part of the online archive for HuffPost India, which closed in 2020. Some features are no longer enabled. If you have questions or concerns about this article, please contact indiasupport@huffpost.com.