Dirty talk doesnât have to be complicated. As sex columnist Dan Savage once summed it up, the best sex talk is simple and straightforward: âTell âem what youâre going to do, tell âem what youâre doing, tell âem what you did.â
Still, as simple as it can be, many of us freeze up in the moment, either saying something we heard on Pornhub that sounds unnatural, or something thatâs awkward, weird or deeply unsexy.
Weâre reminded of that scene in âSeinfeld,â where Jerry tells George what heâd told a woman the night before: âSheâs talking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, âYou mean the panties your mother laid out for you?ââ
âłâThe panties your mother laid out for you?ââ a flabbergasted George says. âWhat does that mean?â
Yeah, we donât know either, but for those of us who struggle with dirty talk, the scene is a little too relatable.
Given the myriad ways it could go wrong, why even bother with dirty talk in the first place? Itâs simple: When done right, and said by someone youâre incredibly attracted to, nothingâs sexier than vocal sex. The brain is our biggest sexual organ, so it makes sense that weâre turned on by what our partners say in the heat of the moment. (And vice versa; voicing the desires and fantasies you usually keep to yourself to a rapt audience can be a huge turn-on.)
At the heart of it, good, game-changing dirty talk takes us out of our humdrum regular lives and into the performance of sex, said Jenny Block, a dating expert and author of âO Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.â
âOur bodies may be feeling something, but if our minds are disengaged, the pleasure reward will always fall short,â she said. âDirty talk helps us to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Just the sounds and tones can help us forget all about the laundry and remember just how good our partner feels.â
Now that weâve sold you on the gift of gab, letâs talk through a few ways to elevate your dirty talk game.
First, keep it simple.
No need to channel a porn star right out of the gate. Say what feels natural to you in the moment, and definitely donât feel like you have to construct some elaborate sex narrative beforehand. This isnât some weird sex monologue; you donât have to talk the whole time. Even just a well placed âI canât wait to feel you inside meâ as you walk through the door or when you kiss can do the trick.
âI always tell people to think about your senses,â said sexologist Megan Stubbs, âand if profanity or vulgar language isnât something that you commonly use, donât feel pressured to use it. I mean, it might throw your partner off if youâre suddenly asking âmaster to fuck his little cum-dumpster.ââ
Aim to be playful and start early. When your partner is off at work or running errands, drop some hints about how much you want to play later on.
âI suggest slowly building the anticipation of a sexual encounter,â Stubbs said. âSending a text like, âI canât wait for tonight...â is an easy lead-in to dirty talk.â (On that note, you might want to read our primer on how to write a sext that doesnât suck.)
Ask yourself: How do I want to feel? How do I want my partner to feel?
Dirty talk is pretty intimidating when youâre worried about how you might sound or if your partner is going to laugh. Donât intellectualize it so much. Tap into the sensory side of sex. When you start to focus on how you want yourself and your partner to feel, you realize you have more in your sex talk arsenal than you know, said Heather McPherson, a sex therapist and owner of Respark Therapy in Austin, Texas, and Denver.
âYou can also follow the simple Dan Savage formula,â she said. âBeing playful and bringing a relaxed, confident attitude can also be helpful.â
Become a pro at giving instructions.
There are two types of dirty talk, said Kenneth Play, a sex educator and coach in Brooklyn, New York: One type builds anticipation (âI canât wait to make you come later...â), the other type is purely instructional.
âInstructions and giving a little direction can be incredibly sexy for some people,â he said. âFor example, say something like, âWhen you come home today, I want you to put on your favorite lingerie, then I want you to lay on the bed face down and wait for me to come home and play with you.ââ
Get comfortable talking about sex outside the bedroom.
Research shows that people who are more comfortable talking about sex in their everyday lives have more satisfying sex lives. If you never talk about sex, itâs not necessarily going to be any easier getting chatty in bed, so donât shy away from talking about it with your partner at other times.
âPeople get intimidated by dirty talk mostly because they donât know what to say! We feel tongue-tied in the moment, or unsure how to express ourselves,â said sex therapist Vanessa Marin. âMost people donât talk about sex openly, so they just need to get in the practice to feel comfortable.â
If you say something that doesnât go over well, talk about it later.
A little nervous laughter is fine, but sometimes, you might say something that triggers your partner. They might not have the language to tell you why it bothered them in the moment, but if you get the sense that you pushed things too far, definitely talk about it later.
Discuss how youâre âcarving out an erotic space where dirty talk is about fantasy,â not about how you feel about that person in reality, Play said. (Think: How some people get off at being called âdaddy,â but itâs about authority and sexual dominance, not incestuous fantasies.)
âIf you do make a mistake or go too far, quite simply, correct it,â Play said. âHonor that your partner doesnât like it, honor why if they can share, and also let them know they donât even need to tell you why itâs just not their thing and then you move on.â
It doesnât have to be X-rated to be good.
Read the room. Donât throw out anything super vulgar unless tonally all signs point to that being a good idea, Block said, calling on personal experience to illustrate her point.
âOne time I used language that was far too X-rated, and it really turned the other person off,â she recalled. âMy partner was very sweet about it and asked me to switch gears a little. I was still super-embarrassed.â
It was a nice moment in the end, and Block and the woman were able to giggle about it later. (Mutual laughter = great sex, in our book.)
âIt became like a silly, intimate secret we shared,â she said. âAll she cared about was the fact that I was willing to give it a go. The particulars were something we could work out along the way.â
And now, to make things even easier, hereâs short list of lines you can use in a pinch, provided by our sex-perts:
âIâve been thinking about what I want to do with you...â
âYou taste so good.â
âRight there. Touch my _____.â
âYes, please. More.â
âWhen I walk in the door I want you in my favorite skirt with no underwear...â
âIt makes me crazy when you _____.â
âIâm going to come for you.â
âYou taste so good.â
âI want you to use me like a toy.â
âI love it when you moan my name.â
âFuck me hard.â
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didnât learn about sex in school â beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.