Habitual criticism can corrode the very foundation of a relationship â and thatâs not an overstatement. In fact, criticism is so damaging that relationship researcher John Gottman identified it as one of the top predictors of divorce â though it could spell disaster for nonmarried couples too.
That said, no one expects you to just roll over and accept all of your partnerâs less-than-desirable qualities or behaviors without ever saying a word. Inevitably, youâre going to have complaints from time to time. But how you choose to communicate these grievances to your partner is what matters.
âCriticism is when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw,â Zach Brittle, a Seattle-based couples therapist and host of the podcast âMarriage Therapy Radio,â told HuffPost.
For example, a critical partner might say: âUgh, you always leave your dirty dishes in the sink. Youâre such an inconsiderate slob,â instead of saying, âHey, Iâm feeling overwhelmed by all the dishes piling up in the sink. Can you help me out by cleaning them before I start dinner?â
People often resort to criticism as a form a self-protection, according to relationship coach Kyle Benson. Attacking or blaming our partner is a less vulnerable act than revealing what we really need from them.
âItâs much easier to poke our partner by telling them that theyâre the one with the problems, than to drop our shield of criticism and say, âMy needs are not being met, help me,ââ Benson wrote in a blog post.
We asked therapists to explain why criticism can be so destructive to a relationship and how to communicate in a healthier, more productive way instead.
The difference between a complaint and criticism
If you want to know if youâre constructively voicing a complaint or just criticizing your partner, consider the language youâre using. Criticism is frequently doled out in the form of âyou alwaysâ or âyou neverâ statements.
âHealthy feedback is about the behavior and not the person,â said Kurt Smith, a therapist in Roseville, California, who specializes in counseling men. âWe can tell our partner what we think or how we feel without criticizing them as an individual.â
So if youâre speaking in absolutes, using harsh words or attacking your partnerâs character, itâs probably criticism.
âWhen our comments include cursing or demeaning labels, it kills any value our message has and makes the feedback pointless,â Smith said. âCriticism is often ignored because of the manner in which the message is delivered.â
How criticism damages relationships
Our critical side tends to rear its ugly head during heated moments of stress or frustration, making it a difficult habit to break. But knowing the effect it has on your partner and the bond you share may nudge you to reexamine your ways.
It chips away at your partnerâs self-esteem.
As anyone whoâs been on the receiving end of criticism knows, these words cut deep. Repeated criticism may shake your partnerâs confidence and eventually make them doubt their ability to do things right.
âIt can make us question our value and worth, especially when itâs coming from someone whoâs supposed to love us,â Smith said. âWe can begin to believe that since they care about us, then what theyâre saying about us must be true.â
It erodes trust.
âFrequent criticism feels like betrayal,â said Steven Stosny, a psychologist in Washington, D.C. âIt violates the implicit promise made in the formation of attachment bonds, that the person you love will care about how you feel and never intentionally hurt you.â
It destroys intimacy.
Over time, criticism widens the emotional distance between you and your partner. The warm, positive feelings you once shared diminish and are replaced by resentment and hostility.
âMost of us donât take criticism well,â Smith said. âUnderstandably it doesnât make us feel good and thus makes us feel less loved and close to our partner.â
âCriticism is when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw.â
It belittles your partner while making you seem superior.
âCriticism tends to be devaluing, implying that the critical partner is smarter, more skilled, moral or superior in some way,â Stosny said.
Itâs not actually effective in getting your partner to change their ways.
Instead of encouraging your S.O. to modify their behavior, criticism triggers defensiveness. When your partner is feeling attacked, their guard goes up, and theyâre not in a state to really hear what youâre saying.
Note that when criticism is constant, it may actually be a form of emotional abuse.
An emotionally abusive partner uses tactics like criticism (among a number of others) to exert control in the relationship; they put down their S.O. so that they can maintain the upper hand.
But not everyone who is critical of their partner is an emotional abuser. When you called your partner lazy because they decided to watch TV instead of cleaning the bathroom like they promised, it was probably a misguided attempt at asking for help with household chores â not an effort to demean your partner. We all get overwhelmed or frustrated and resort to criticism at times.
But if you frequently lash out and criticize your partner no matter what they do (for the way they dress, their sex drive, their job, their family and friends or an aspect of their personality like, their sensitivity, for example), then it could be a sign of emotional abuse.
So how should you communicate instead?
Telling someone to âjust stop being criticalâ is easier said than done. Hereâs how you can more lovingly and effectively express yourself in a relationship, according to therapists.
Focus on what you want from your partner, instead of what you donât want.
As they say: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Be respectful with your requests. Rather than accusing your partner of being careless for not staying on top of the bills, Stosny offered this alternative: âHoney, Iâm a little worried about the bills. Could we sit down and go over what we have coming in and how much has to go out? I know youâre busy, whatâs a good time for you?â
Use a âsoft startup.â
With this Gottman-approved technique, you open up the discussion about whatâs bothering you using the phrasing: âI feel _____ about ____, and I need ____.â
âItâs important to put an actual feeling in the first blank. Avoid, âI feel likeâ and âI feel like youâ â neither of which are helpful,â Brittle said.
âThink of how you would make a behavior request to someone you admire and respect. Thatâs how you should make behavior requests of your partner.â
Try an âI wishâ statement.
Instead of saying, âYouâre so unhelpful â you never pick the kids up from soccer,â try saying, âI wish you would help lighten my load by picking the kids up from practice a couple nights a week.â
âYour criticism is a wish disguised,â Brittle wrote in a blog post. âItâs a negative expression of a real need. What if you took responsibility for what you really desire for the relationship? What if you owned the wish and committed to articulating it as a positive hope?â
Advice for both partners
If youâre the criticizer in the relationship, know that most critical people are often self-critical too. You may not even realize how critical you seem to your partner because youâre so accustomed to talking to yourself that way.
âDo you automatically say something critical to yourself when you make a mistake or drop something like, âIdiot, there you go again, you always screw upâ?â Stosny said.
Sound familiar? Try this exercise Stosny suggested: Write down a few of the critical statements youâve made to your partner and read them into your phone. Then play back the recording and see how it sounds from another perspective â you might be surprised.
âAnd finally, think of how you would make a behavior request to someone you admire and respect,â Stosny added. âThatâs how you should make behavior requests of your partner.â
If youâre the criticized, itâs understandable that your partnerâs harsh words affect you. You donât need to minimize your hurt feelings â youâre justified in being upset, Smith said.
When you feel attacked, it may be tempting to punch back by criticizing your partner for something they did. But try not to stoop to their level.
âDonât react in kind or betray your nature by becoming critical yourself,â Stosny said. âRegard your partnerâs criticism as his or her lack of self-regulation skill.â
Though this may not be easy in the heat of the moment, after youâve been criticized, take a breath before that defensive wall goes up. You may be able to figure out what veiled request your partner is making with their criticism.
âIf you can delay your defensive response, ask your partner what theyâre asking for,â Brittle said. âThe quicker you get to their ask, the quicker you can get to relationship repair.â