The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― and succinct ― wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or less.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 23, 2019
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
my mom: hi
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 23, 2019
me: WHAT DO I DO WITH RECEIPTS SHOULD I BE KEEPING THEM ALL???
Me this afternoon, peeling out of the Gelsons parking lot after spending $80 on potato salad and spicy tuna rolls. pic.twitter.com/KCJrBtCVrp
— Rebecca Keegan (@ThatRebecca) June 24, 2019
Okay but what if you fool me nine times? It goes back on you, right?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 27, 2019
currently deciding if I should save up for a tattoo or a nice vacuum what a curious life phase this is
— Julia Bush (@jabush) June 24, 2019
couldn't remember the word for penguin so i called it a cold boy
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) June 25, 2019
How did Ariana and Pete only happen last year, how many lives have we lived since then
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) June 26, 2019
No one:
— madrigal (@whatmaddness) June 24, 2019
Every woman over 50 while eating dessert (ANY dessert): wow it’s so RICH!
Ten democratic nominees stand before me, but I only have nine pictures in my hands... pic.twitter.com/jdtLylgyEo
— @PiaGlenn (@PiaGlenn) June 28, 2019
i will never forgive apple for making the charge hole also the earphone hole and yes those are the names i have chosen to give them
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) June 23, 2019
No one:
— chloé🌛🌈 (@chlostrophobic) June 23, 2019
Absolutely no one:
9 year old me during the 2008 recession: Why can't they just print more money?
absolutely was eaten alive by mosquitos over the weekend, might not ever recover. please respect my privacy at this difficult time. when i said i looked like a snack i DID not mean to cc them!
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) June 25, 2019
me on my way over to my friend's house with gatorade, ibuprofen and snacks after they nearly threw up in the uber the night before pic.twitter.com/z5KMfJrjsP
— Samantha Tomaszewski (@managewski) June 26, 2019
one of the worst kinds of eye contact is with anyone waiting for a table in a restaurant when you are sitting at a table
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 26, 2019
the dream of the 90s is alive in strawberry, arugula, walnut salad
— Annabel Gat (@annabelgat_) June 24, 2019
No one has ever offered me cocaine and I’m mildly offended by it.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) June 25, 2019
Just sent a save-the-date for my 30th birthday all-day bagel brunch three months in advance to give it the gravitas of a wedding.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) June 26, 2019
🎵SomeBODY once told me to stay among the seaweed
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) June 24, 2019
But I just went ahead and got legs
I was lookin kind of dumb cuz the sea witch almost won
But got stabbed with a boat now she’s so dead🎵
Four weeks into a job, you’ve seen everybody’s shirts
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 27, 2019
It is annoying that 10 people on stage for dem debate tonight and not one of them is megan rapinoe
— Samhita Mukhopadhyay (@TheSamhita) June 26, 2019