20/03/2015 8:13 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:25 AM IST

Leave The Cows Alone; Can I Interest You In Some Pigeon?

he was not frightned to fly away when I went closer to take this shot
Swami Stream/Flickr
he was not frightned to fly away when I went closer to take this shot

The more I read about cows, the less sense it makes to want to kill them, leave alone eat them!

An article that I came across on the PETA website recently described cows as "diverse as cats, dogs, and people. Some are bright; others are slow learners. Some are bold and adventurous; others are shy and timid. Some are friendly and considerate; others are bossy and devious."

The article went on to say that cows are similar to humans, capable of interacting in socially complex ways, developing friendships over time and sometimes holding grudges against other cows who treat them badly.

That's when it struck me. Hell, I could be a cow. And I wouldn't want to be eaten rare, medium or well done with either mushroom or mustard sauce drizzled on top. Would you?

So why are we getting all hot and bothered about the government's ban on cattle slaughter? It might be a good thing after all. The cows will thank you for abstaining.

PETA says that cows mourn their dead and separation from loved ones. They even shed tears. Believe me, you don't want to incur their wrath or bring on the water works. A cow chased me down the road when I was little (God knows why) and that traumatic episode has lived on in my memories forever.

So I propose that we stop killing cows and eat pigeons instead. Grilled, roasted, any damn way you like. I don't really care.

The feathery monsters have made my life a living hell and it would be really nice to see their tribe decrease. From taking over my balconies, defecating on my beautiful flowers and freshly laundered clothes to setting up cosy nests in air conditioner vents, they've done it all. To top it all, they have also managed to reproduce successfully despite my ominous presence in the zone. I can hear their demonic spawn cheeping away to glory in the mornings.

Most days, I find myself obsessively searching for "helpful hints on how to get rid of pigeons from your home" on Google. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I have filled a spray can full of water and run out screeching obscenities, spraying water all over the place each time I've spotted a bird or two. I've scattered paprika powder and pepper all over the balcony. The Internet says that pigeons hate spices. But while I've been sneezing like crazy thanks to the spice overdose, the pigeons don't seem to have budged an inch. Flap swoosh ... I can hear them flapping outside the window again!

I worry that someday, if I'm not careful enough, they will take over my house. If you hadn't guessed it already, they've flown off with my sanity! It's about time that we left the cows on the street (where they belong) and turned our attention towards these feathery fiends.

Celebrity chefs Nigel Slater and Jamie Oliver have some interesting pigeon recipes. Apparently, the birds taste best when grilled or braised. From casseroles to sandwiches, there's every kind of pigeon dish for your plate. Take your pick: Pigeon and peas, Pigeon Breast with Cherries and Walnuts, Flying Steak Sandwich anyone? I can so see myself lounging in my bird-free balcony with one of those, a favourite book and a glass of wine in hand.

Game on!