11/08/2016 5:57 PM IST | Updated 19/08/2016 8:25 AM IST

Sexuality And Consent For Dummies


WARNING: If you are someone who has figured out the art of using your brain to understand and obey the unwritten rules of humanity and civilization, then you might find this article the most obvious, useless, pointless piece of garbage!

I'm doing it guys. I've decided to give back to society. Well, in addition to seeding my torrents for half an hour after downloading.

Are you just plain confused about the "new" developments in the sexual behaviour of your fellow countrymen and countrywomen?

Do you get labelled a homophobe or a moron and get schooled about your spelling and grammar when you try to have a "healthy debate" about it on Facebook?

Do you think pandas are cute?

The last question is just a general one because I think they are the cutest of all creations. But if you answered "yes" to the first two questions, then you are in the right place! I have all the answers. I am that Social Justice Warrior you didn't know you wanted.

So let's begin!


Ok, my sweet child, let me do what our education system failed to do.

When it comes to sex, there are two golden rules:

Rule # 1. Don't have sex with kids!

This is an obvious one because, well, they are kids! Age is important. Even if there's 100% consent from an underage teenager and they are begging you to do it, DON'T. Why? Because they don't know better. But you, the fully grown human, who worries about the government screwing with your Provident Fund, knows better. Everything you experience when you are coming of age has a huge impact on the rest of your life. Sexual experiences with grown-ups shouldn't be one of them.

Rule # 2. Consent!

Now, this is something almost everyone's confused about but actually is really simple. So consider this:

I love neyyappams (#AndroidNeyyappam, remember? Sigh!). And I love it when other people enjoy neyyappams as much as I do as a Malayali. You, the reader, are my colleague. So every day during tea breaks I tell you how delicious neyyappams are. I keep asking you to try some. But you refuse. So one day, when we are working overtime and almost everyone has left work, I sneak up behind you and try to shove a neyyappam down your throat. Would you be upset? Why? They are delicious! I know it because I've eaten them! So even if you are complaining, I know you loved it!

Ok yes, I admit, I shouldn't have shoved a neyyappam down your throat, I'm sorry. But you were whining all afternoon about wanting to eat something sweet. And I swear I saw you eye-fucking my lunch box. You were kind of asking for it! Or at least I thought that's your way of saying, "Yasss... Gimme it!" So, oops!

I hope you get an idea about consent right about now. If you don't, and I failed miserably at coming up with an analogy, let me tell you plain and simple: You do NOT have the right to force sex or touch anyone inappropriately without their explicit consent. Doesn't matter if they are your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend-with-benefit, neighbour who wears a deep neck blouse and a short skirt or a naked woman or man just walking right in front of you, just bouncing everything. Unless they give you their consent, don't put your cheese on their biscuit.

What if they are born that way? Like if a person is sexually attracted to kids or a cat or a desk, naturally. What then?

But, Arjun, isn't asking for consent very unromantic and unsexy? Isn't spontaneity the key to a happy sex life?

Oh, pumpkin, nothing is sexy. We make it sexy. Like we sexualized women's breasts for no reason! Watch the video below for some tips:

Now that we all know what the rules are, let's look at the original question: If homosexuality is okay, why aren't paedophilia and necrophilia?

Paedophilia : Breaks rule #1. So, nah ah! NOT okay.

Necrophilia: Umm... I could be wrong here but I don't think a dead body can talk. Maybe you've found a way to communicate with the dead, but it's better not to do it. Imagine your penis being haunted. You'd have to get a priest to do a SEXorcism. Ok, I'm sorry, that pun was right there and I had to, guys. I had to. So, yes, necrophilia breaks rule #2. Not okay.

Let's take a look at the other sexual behaviours as well:

Bestiality: Breaks rule #2. Animals can't talk. And no, your puppy wagging its tail is probably for food or a belly rub or just to cuddle. Don't go further. Not okay.

Incest: Well, here, since Cersei and Jaime Lannisters are both consenting adults, it's not necessarily wrong. But the children born of incestuous relationships can have serious health issues. Do we really need a Joffrey Baratheon in real life? So for the love of science, we discourage it. But not every relationship is about procreation, not everyone wants kids, plus it could be homosexual incest too, where there's no possibility of procreation.

So they all, except maybe incest among adults, break the rules. But what if they are born that way? Like if a person is sexually attracted to kids or a cat or a desk, naturally. What then?

Chant this like a mantra: Consenting adults? Not my business. Consenting adults? Not my business. Consenting Adults? Not my business...

That's when, we, as a society, must discuss and come up with solutions. Instead of, I don't know, wasting time arguing whether what two consenting adults do is okay or not. In Germany, a treatment and support program was introduced to help people with paedophilic feelings but never acted on them, to come forward anonymously and get help. Imagine how many children's lives will be saved because of it. In a country where everyone is only interested in knowing more about the victims -- Where were they? Why were they? -- and focus only on "protecting" potential victims by giving unsolicited advice and smothering them, it takes another level of maturity as a society to focus on potential rapists.

Oh, and about abstinence and celibacy, these are choices people make for a wide variety of reasons ranging from religion to I-am-too-awkward-to-get-a-date. But there are people out there who are not interested in having sex. Society's label for them is "asexual". Asexuality is not a choice.

Are all of these too confusing for your brain to fathom? Are you more confused than when you started reading this article? Don't worry, love muffin. Chant this like a mantra: Consenting adults? Not my business. Consenting adults? Not my business. Consenting Adults? Not my business...

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