12/04/2016 8:17 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:26 AM IST

I'm A Millennial Adult And I Can Never Be Poor Or Weak

Geri Lavrov via Getty Images
Mans foot with half a face drawn on it using a digital tablet.

The wifi has been down for 24 hours. The love of your life, the one you spend your whole life with, your "best phone in the world", suddenly called it quits. You didn't think of spending one-tenth of what you spent on useless shit, after working more than three years in the corporate world, on a laptop. So here you are, writing down the stream of your consciousness, on your sister's laptop.

Months ago you decided it was time to quit your corporate IT job because IT isn't your thing. You decided to get a master's degree in something that gets your groove on, from your alma mater. An arts degree. ARTS! The degree that, until a few years ago, you were convinced, was for rich unambitious brats or just plain idiots. Which one are you right now? You certainly aren't rich, that's for sure! Why? Because you defy the rules of mathematics and save up in negative numbers. You knew you were going to be in trouble with that credit card of yours ages ago. But when your bank asked to bump up the credit limit, like a horny teenager, you bent over and said YASSS! How are you going to pay that off now? Are you going to ask your mommy for money? Is your daddy going to come and rescue you? Nah ah! You, pumpkin, are an ADULT. That's what you are convinced that you are. Adults don't go crying to mommy and daddy. They might occasionally take a few bucks from their sister, stay in her apartment without paying rent, and eat her food, but parents? NO WAY! So yeah, that's what you are. Adult.

You have debts you can't pay off but you aren't poor... You, cuddly bear, are just broke. 'Broke' is what happens to the Mallyas and Kanyes...

So you sit, and you breathe and when you stop to think for a minute, the laptop display goes dark and you can see the disappointment, in all its foul glory, right in front of you, staring right back at you, judging the crap out of you. You want to punch him in the face. So you immediately move your fingers through the touchpad to wake the display. And you type and type and type your worries away, instead of scrolling them away like you always do, on your phone, which is dead. Go ahead, try to switch on that phone again. Press the power button for 12 seconds. The power button and volume down button together for 15 seconds. Disconnect the Turbocharger. Connect it back within 10 seconds. Try the buttons again. Look at that 6-inch AMOLED display. Is it switching on? Can you see the battery icon? No? Wait, what is that? Oh, that's the face of disappointment again! Why? Because you spent more than two months' salary to buy that device just over a year ago. Because you deserve the best. You deserve only the flagships. Everything else is Chinese crap for the poor and the needy. No, you aren't poor. You have debts you can't pay off but you aren't poor. Poor only happens to the lowest layer of the society. You, cuddly bear, are just broke. 'Broke' is what happens to the Mallyas and Kanyes of the world. So yeah, that's what you are. Broke.

'Depressed' is what happens to the hot celebs of Hollywood. So yeah, that's what you are. Depressed.

So maybe it's finally time to read all those Harry Potter books you bought months ago, yeah? You know you can't really call yourself a Potterhead and list JK Rowling as your inspiration on your Facebook profile unless you actually read those books, right? Nah. Don't read. Just go and get that Deathly Hallows tattoo on your face already! No one will figure out your pretentiousness. And if someone does, show them your Huff Post article! That'll show them how intellectually superior you are. Being humble and grateful is for the weak. You aren't weak. Weak only happens to the scared, third world citizens, living in war zones, raped, bombed, molested, and forced to find refuge in the first world. You, snowflake, are depressed. 'Depressed' is what happens to the hot celebs of Hollywood. So yeah, that's what you are. Depressed.

Your adulthood, broke-ness, and depression are going to drown you. You won't be able to breathe one day. That's what they call rock bottom. In that moment, when you have nothing to lose, you'll realize the value...

THE WIFI IS BACK! Later, loser.

A version of this post was first published on The Millennial Introvert

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