17/02/2017 6:12 PM IST | Updated 18/02/2017 10:49 AM IST

9 Signs You Ain't Smoking Up For Fun Any More

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I remember writing an open letter to the President many years ago, published in Pakistan Today, which carried the demands of dopers who'd like to be referred to as "The Joint Association". But now that experience is on my side I can safely say that life without vices is the happiest.

Now this is not a preachy rant and I, like any rational soul, admit that weed is not only the least harmful among all other intoxicants but even has numerous medicinal benefits as well. It also has the backing of our folk wisdom—many Sufis (or at least their followers), and time tested quotes like "Charsi Kadi Na Marsi". My argument is that one should stay away from anything that is addictive or should at least realise in time when something is turning from fun to addiction.

If your dealer forwards you jokes and Eid Milaad ul Nabi texts, he probably considers you a friend...

Let me get straight to how this article can help you. You don't have to read any further if you smoke up socially or recreationally. Also, it is perfectly fine with me if you are a stoner and don't want to quit—in fact more power to you! But I suspect there are many among you who believe that they are in total control (while they are not) and think they can stop the moment they feel they are becoming a dope-head (they cannot). Here is a checklist for you: one or more ticks would mean that you need to do something about it.

1. Charsi Chaabi

If your car key comes out of the ignition without turning it off it's called a Charsi Chaabi. It means you've been heating the schwag on your car key, and subsequently rolling a pinner while driving. If you're this pro, you are most probably an addict.

2. Stevie

When a friend scores through you, and you "Stevie" a couple of joints and vice versa, and the idea of Stevie is perfectly acceptable to you... that is another indication that you, my friend, have turned into a dope fiend.

3. SMS forwards

If your dealer forwards you jokes and Eid Milaad ul Nabi texts, he probably considers you a friend, which is possible only if you meet very often, which makes it obvious that you score very regularly. You're a toker, no doubt.

4. Sleeper

You've run out of couchy and when the sun sets all you can think of is a sleeper. Going all day without it may make you think that you are not hooked to anything, but if the idea of falling asleep without a spliff tears you apart, you are very much a hophead.

5. Eye-drops

If you realise the importance of always having Curine eye-drops on hand, but being a forgetful person you are obliged to buy a new one every time you go out or you change clothes, so that now you have like 28 bottles all told... I think it's time to reflect on your habits.

6. Favourite appetiser

Going to your favourite restaurant or eating your best-loved dish at home seems futile without a reefer first. Whether you like it or not, you've become a druggie.

7. Scoring

If you don't let your stash finish and call up your "florist" to re-up as soon as you hit the reserve, you are a pothead.

8. Factory

That's the box in which you keep your stash along with other accessories required to smoke. If you keep your factory with you wherever you go, especially in the evening, don't kid yourself. You're not an aficionado, you're an addict—it's just that you are an organised one.

9. Growing at home

If you are growing at home, or have tried but failed, or the thought of growing Mary Jane crosses your mind more than once every day, you can use a little help.

These are just a few definite indicators pointing towards dope addiction. There must be many more. If readers would like to contribute to the list, I will be happy to compile them and publish them next week with credits. Please send your suggestions to