When youâre dating, anxiety is the ultimate third wheel: You overanalyze everything you say on dates â that is, the ones you actually go on and donât cancel at the last minute.
It doesnât necessarily get easier when youâve gotten past the dating phase and are ready to get serious: You want to commit, but worry that your anxiety might sabotage an otherwise great relationship.
It doesnât have to, though. Below, therapists share six ways to keep your anxiety in check during the beginning of a relationship and as it progresses.
1. Practice vulnerability in stages.
True intimacy is letting someone in and giving them access to parts of yourself that you hide away from the rest of the world. When you have anxiety, though, you might worry that exposing the messy, real, complicated side of yourself might make your S.O. like you less.
Donât fall prey to that kind of thinking: If this person loves you, theyâll love all sides of you.
âPlus, you donât have to share your deepest, darkest feelings all at once,â said psychologist Stacey Rosenfeld. âExperiment with small âexposures,â exercises where you try out being vulnerable with your partner and, as your confidence builds, work toward increased vulnerability over time. Fears associated with vulnerability should lessen with increased exposure.â
2. Clearly communicate your expectations.
Anyone who has anxiety has gotten stuck in thought loops: Those unwanted, repetitive thoughts you canât seem to escape even if you know theyâre silly. That kind of thinking is particularly damaging in relationships. For example, maybe your girlfriend doesnât call you after work a few nights in a row like she usually does. Stuck in a thought loop, you figure sheâs bored with you when the truth is that sheâs on a project deadline.
You donât want to constantly ask your partner for reassurance, but when something is continually bothering you, talk about it. Say, âI know youâre busy, but I really look forward to your calls in the evening. When I donât hear from you, my mind gets stuck in a story that youâre sick of me.â
âThe person with the anxious mind ruminates,â said Jenny Yip, a psychologist based in Los Angeles. âMost people with anxiety will ruminate and imagine the worst possible thing happening. Rather than dooming your relationship, clarify and communicate what your expectations are from the start so that your mind doesnât have to ruminate to the worst possible places.â
3. Separate your âanxious selfâ from your âtrue self.â
A wise man on Twitter once said, âAnxiety is literally just conspiracy theories about yourself.â Donât let that negative self-talk sabotage your relationships. Instead of listening to your anxious inner voice, listen to your true voice, said Jennifer Rollin, a psychotherapist in North Potomac, Maryland.
âYour âanxious selfâ may tell you things like, âIf you open up to him about your anxiety and going to therapy, he will leave or think you are unstable,ââ she said. âThatâs because you have anxiety, your mind often comes up with a variety of scenarios that often are not true. It can be helpful to practice speaking back from your âtrue self.ââ
If your true self is speaking, it will probably say something far more comforting, like: âGoing to therapy doesnât mean youâre crazy, it means youâre taking proactive steps to becoming the best version of yourself.â
âAnd worst-case scenario, if he does think it makes you crazy, it says a lot about him and nothing about you,â Rollin said. âYou deserve to be with someone who doesnât judge you.â
4. Accept that you canât control everything your partner does.
Part of managing your anxiety involves letting go of the need to control things that are utterly out of your hands â including some of your partnerâs more annoying habits. It may annoy you that you lose half of your Sundays with him to the boys every football season, but take it in stride: You canât allow your anxiety to threaten your S.Oâs autonomy in the relationship.
âFor those who are anxious, itâs often common to want to control the situation, but you canât always have it that way,â Yip said. âYou can communicate your wishes, but it doesnât mean that you have a bad partner if your wishes arenât met exactly how you imagined. You have to celebrate your partnerâs individuality â you arenât joined at the hip, after all.â
5. Talk about your anxiety and how you tend to express it.
Your anxiety isnât something you have to combat on your own. Open up to your partner about how your anxiety tends to play out â maybe you get flushed skin and sweat because of your social anxiety, for instance.
While itâs up to you to learn the best ways to self-soothe, take comfort in knowing that your partner can be an ally who can help you maintain some calm in stressful moments.
âSometimes, anxiety festers when weâre trying to cover it up, afraid of how others will respond,â Rosenfeld said. âExplain your anxiety to your partner; it will alleviate the additional stress of trying to hide your symptoms. Being honest and upfront about any anxiety or insecurities can sometimes help defuse these situations.â
6. Create some rules of engagement for arguments.
All couples argue, but disagreements and their aftermath can be particularly stressful for people with anxiety, Yip said.
âLetâs say you get into a fight and your partner walks away. Thatâs annoying for most people, but a person with an anxious mind has a very hard time with the uncertainty of walking away,â she said.
To that end, create some guidelines for arguing that help offset your anxiety. Maybe you have a rule that either of you can table a heated discussion, but only if you return to the conversation within 24 hours.
âAs a couple, decide together what your rules are in advance, so that thereâs structure and a plan,â Yip said. âThis will help those with anxiety know that thereâs a next step.â
For more advice on how to manage your anxiety, head here.