Welcome to marriage, where your days are spent doing never-ending loads of laundry, making (and breaking) a budget, arguing about how to clean the cast iron skillet and finding new places to hide your favorite snacks from your spouse.
Case in point: We’ve gathered 25 relatable tweets that accurately explain what married life is actually like.
Me: "I feel like I'm getting sick"— Haunted Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) October 1, 2018
My husband, already wallowing in a tub full of lemon ginger water, carefully drafting his obituary: "I think I might be coming down with a little something too"
Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to do today?” was a rhetorical question— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 13, 2018
(Walking into Leonardo da Vinci exhibit)— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) October 9, 2018
Wife: Why do you look so disappointed?
Me: *buttons jacket over a Ninja Turtle Shirt* No reason.
Can cast-iron go in the dishwasher?— Anna Fleeman (@mayBitswhiteout) October 12, 2018
*Asking to piss off my husband
20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 25, 2018
Married Sexting...— LipsStyx💋 (@LipsStyx) October 12, 2018
I'm not wearing any underwear because you didn't put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you 100 times
[eating cookies]— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 22 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 8, 2018
Wife: These aren’t empty calories.
Wife: They fill me with happiness.
My husband had surgery & can’t sit in the front seat for 6 weeks so now I have to be his chauffeur.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 7, 2018
WHO’S THE BACKSEAT DRIVER NOW, HUH?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) October 7, 2018
Cashier: ...why are you telling me this?
*Naming my child*— Krampus-topher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) October 3, 2018
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.— The Dad (@thedad) October 3, 2018
Marriage:— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 6, 2018
Because fighting about salad is totally normal.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 7, 2018
I wrote a song about my husband it’s called: He Doesn’t Fold the Towels Right.— K∀RL∀ IN VT🍁🍃🍂 (@karlainvt) October 1, 2018
wife: how about you be the little spoon tonight?— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 11, 2018
me: we’ve gone over this *points to my crown* i’m a spork
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I was watching sports on TV and I clapped too aggressively.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 6, 2018
[Texting husband]— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 10, 2018
When will you be home?
[Husband, from Mars]
I’m about 10 minutes away.
Please congratulate me. I just finished a conversation I started with my husband 28,000 interruptions ago.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 5, 2018
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget— eric (@ericsshadow) October 10, 2018
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Back in 1998 my husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts. So yeah, you could say I know a thing or two about forgiveness.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 12, 2018
Led Zeppelin: And she's buying a stairway to Heaven...when sh-— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 12, 2018
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My husband and I do this adorable married version of spooning where he flops over and his giant ham arm lands on my face with a thud.— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 7, 2018
My wife was voted “Least Likely to be Entertained by Steve” in her senior class high school yearbook.— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) September 30, 2018
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it's about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 11, 2015