When he was in his early 20s, Los Angeles-based writer Brandon G. Alexander often felt an inexplicable sadness after sex, even when it was âgoodâ sex with people he liked.
âThe best way to describe the feeling is empty or sometimes shame, depending on my relationship and intention with the person,â the 30-year-old founder of the menâs lifestyle site New Age Gents told HuffPost. âOur culture teaches men how to be physically connected to someone, but we ignore the truth that sex is highly emotional and spiritual. The idea that a man wouldnât feel something before, during or after sex is unrealistic, but most have become so conditioned to think otherwise.â
What Alexander experienced years ago is what researchers call âpost-coital dysphoria.â PCD, as they refer to it, is a condition marked by feelings of agitation, melancholy, anxiety or sadness after intercourse, even when itâs good, consensual sex. The condition can last between five minutes and two hours.
Itâs also called âpost-coital tristesse,â which literally means âsadnessâ in French. In the 17th century, philosopher Baruch Spinoza summed it up this way: Once the âenjoyment of sensual pleasure is past, the greatest sadness follows.â
Many studies have examined the first three phases of the human sexual response cycle (excitement, plateau, orgasm), but the resolution phase has often been overlooked.
Thatâs starting to change, though. In a 2015 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, almost half of the women surveyed reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lives, and around 5 percent said theyâd felt it regularly within the past month.
A new study from the same researchers published in June suggests that PCD is almost just as prevalent in men: In an online survey of 1,208 male participants, around 40 percent of men said theyâd experienced PCD in their lifetime, and 4 percent said it was a regular occurrence.
In excerpts from the survey, men admit to feeling a âstrong sense of self-loathingâ about themselves post-sex and âa lot of shame.â Others say theyâd experienced âcrying fits and full on depressive episodesâ after sex that sometimes left their significant others worried.
Men who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognize that thereâs a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex.
Robert Schweitzer, a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.
Despite the number of men who reported experiencing PCD, itâs challenging for researchers to study it because most men are reluctant to talk about it, said Robert Schweitzer, the lead author on both studies and a psychology professor at Queensland University of Technology in Australia.
âMen who may suffer from PCD think that they are the only person in the world with this experience, but they should recognize that thereâs a diversity of experiences in the resolution phase of sex,â he told HuffPost. âAs with many diagnoses, it provides some relief to be able to name the phenomenon.â (Schweitzer is still collecting accounts of people with PCD for his ongoing research.)
As to why itâs so common in both men and women, a study of twins suggested that genetics may play some sort of role. PCD is also often linked with sexual abuse, trauma and sexual dysfunction, but thatâs certainly not always the case; in this latest study, the majority of the men who reported PCD hadnât experienced those issues and were in otherwise healthy, satisfying relationships.
More often than not, Schweitzer thinks PCD is a culmination of both physical and psychological factors. Physically, orgasms activate a flood of endorphins and other feel-good hormones, but the neurochemical prolactin follows, resulting in a sometimes intense comedown. Psychologically, the paper establishes a correlation between the frequency of PCD and âhigh psychological distressâ in other aspects of a personâs life.
Sometimes, the psychological factors are compounded by the knowledge that no emotional connection exists with a sexual partner, said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a Los Angeles-based sex therapist unaffiliated with the study.
âSome of my clients, especially males with sex addictions, report post-coital dysphoria because deep down, they know there is no bond between them and the person they are sleeping with,â she told HuffPost.
Other times, patients worry that their partners just werenât that into the sex.
âIf you believe your partner was just âtaking one for the teamâ and not genuinely interested in sex, it can lead to a sense of shame and guilt,â Resnick Anderson added.
Whatâs important to remember, she said, is that sex can mean different things at different stages of your life. And as these recent studies show, nuanced, complicated post-coital feelings are completely natural.
We need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys itâs OK to feel â or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes â the more weâll change the old ideas around men and sex.
Brandon G. Alexander, lifestyle writer
There may be ways to curtail the negative feelings, too: For starters, stick around rather than high-tailing it out the door after a hookup session â or if youâre in a relationship, cuddle instead of heading to the living room to watch Netflix. A 2012 study on the resolution phase of sex showed that couples who engage in pillow talk, kissing and cuddling after intercourse report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.
And be honest about your emotions after sex, without assigning blame to yourself or your partner. As the growing research shows, men and women feel a full spectrum of emotions after sex, and thatâs perfectly normal.
Thatâs something that Alexander, the writer who experienced PCD often in his 20s, had to learn on his own as he approached his 30s.
âAs a guy, you shouldnât numb out or try to deal with PCD in silence,â he said. âWe need to have more conversations about men and intimacy. The more we tell guys itâs OK to feel â or protect your heart by waiting to sleep with someone sometimes â the more weâll change the old ideas around men and sex.â