Couples who can lighten up and find some humor in the day-to-day will be a lot better off. To that end, we’ve gathered 30 honest tweets that celebrate the hilarity of married life.
After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.— sophielou (@sophielou) January 10, 2018
If you need me, I’m the guy waiting for his wife at TJ Maxx standing next to the mannequin in the same shirt as me which she also apparently bought at TJ Maxx pretty recently.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 10, 2018
It’s finally getting warm enough for me to live a life free from my husband’s jacket on the back of a kitchen chair.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 27, 2018
Marriage is just 37% apologizing for putting something through the dryer you weren’t supposed to.— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) May 29, 2018
“It should take about an hour.”— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 26, 2018
- my husband, describing something that’s going to take him at least 6 hours to do
Wife: That's what you're wearing?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2018
Me: Can I phone a friend?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 29, 2018
Me: Ok. Where do you want to go?
Him: I don’t care. You decide.
Me: I don’t care. Surprise me.
Him: *falls asleep on couch*
I’m going to give my husband what he really wants for Father’s Day... for 24 hours I’m not going to touch the thermostat.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2018
My wife loves that show about pleasant English people getting excited about pastry.— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) June 10, 2018
Me: I disagree. Slim Jims and Cheez Whiz are perfectly acceptable to make a charcuterie board for our picnic— zack (@Mr_Kapowski) June 1, 2018
I don’t know how my husband expects me to be able to recognize him at the pool when he’s wearing his swim shoes.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 7, 2018
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 15, 2014
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 31, 2018
wife on Facebook: My husband’s making dinner! The perfect end to a perfect birthday!— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 5, 2018
wife to me: Chicken nuggets? Are you fucking serious?
HUSBAND: your low tire pressure light is on— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 24, 2018
ME: is that the little exclamation point?
ME: oh i thought that was cuz I do such a good job driving
If you don’t get in a fight with your husband over a hypothetical situation, are you really even married?— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 14, 2018
Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 19, 2018
Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.”
And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
*spends 45 minutes at grocery store trying to pick out a good tomato*— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 23, 2018
[back at home]
WIFE: they didn’t have any better tomatoes?
“How about a nice romantic night together? We can lay in bed, watch a movie, and snuggle. How does that sound?”— Stacey (@skittle624) June 9, 2018
“Sounds great babe” my husband says from the other room.
“Should we tell him I was talking to you?” I say to my dogs.
-Loofafah, extra firm— Marl (@Marlebean) April 26, 2018
-Lip embalmentation in red
When I need some quiet time, I send my husband to the store with a list of made-up words.
Level of married: I’m taking a 6-day trip without my husband and his only concern seems to be that I leave him a week’s worth of clean underwear.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 31, 2018
Me: Hey.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 7, 2018
Me: I love you.
Wife: I love you, too.
Wife: What did you do.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 9, 2018
Thanks to HGTV my wife is going to be pretty disappointed if the person we hire for home renovations isn’t also super attractive.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 22, 2018
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 8, 2018
I’ll do it later.— Suki (@skickwriter) June 1, 2018
WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018
ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
[walking into Home Depot]— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 7, 2018
WIFE: now if you're good, you can have one toy from the tool aisle
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) June 6, 2018
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My wife just said “that’s definitely your daughter” after our 3 yr old muttered incomprehensible gibberish, laughed out loud, and said very proudly, “I made a funny joke!”— Spencer Higgins (@SpencerHH) March 18, 2018