The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for one minute before consuming.
Me: No.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 20, 2018
I like my men like I like my taxes: avoid until legally impossible
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 18, 2018
me in my 20’s: I should put some extra money aside for a new wardrobe and traveling the world
me in my 30’s: I should put some extra money aside for honey crisp apples and a really nice pair of scissors
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) March 21, 2018
To give a good high five, watch the other person’s elbow. Keep watching it. Binge 5 seasons of it. It’s undoubtedly overrated.
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) March 19, 2018
Considering buying a dresser that's 62" long so I laid down in various spots on my bedroom floor to test layouts bc I AM 62 INCHES TALL!!! Most fun I've had in months
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 18, 2018
Everything in my food journal after 3 pm just says "sorry".
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) March 20, 2018
Shout out to the cab driver eating an ice cream cone at 8:50am. I see you living your best life.
— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) March 20, 2018
Me: I’m super chill.
Also Me: *has this saved on my phone for frequent use in conversations* pic.twitter.com/teOokT8jCi
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 18, 2018
I had a really sexy dream about my husband. How lame is that
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 19, 2018
My tombstone will simply read:
(END OF THREAD)
— Lindsay Hunter (@lindsaydevon) March 21, 2018
there's no one i trust to fix the subway more than miranda hobbes, the person responsible for the best new york transportation-related simile on tv pic.twitter.com/gSo6f5JzMG
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 19, 2018
just passed by a karate dance competition in the mall—literally kids doing choreographed karate routines set to battle music—and thought, wow i wasted a lotta fuckin time taking tennis lessons
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) March 18, 2018
It's 5:00 time to go home and change into something with an elastic waist.
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) March 19, 2018
Girlfriend: *likes the picture of someone she made out with once two years ago*
Me: *drives around WeHo blasting Lemonade from start to finish*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 20, 2018
getting ready to start dating again pic.twitter.com/YjEKmOng9i
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) March 18, 2018
I try to be very polite but if Toto's "Africa" comes on in the middle of a conversation, you gotta shut up.
— Morgan Jerkins (@MorganJerkins) March 19, 2018
i just want a panera bread bowl and attention
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) March 19, 2018
“Hi, yes, I’d like to hire one DJ for my cool teen house party? I just need them to be able to record scratch and stop the music when an undesirable walks in.”
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) March 19, 2018
I don't have any baby fever, but a picture of a dog will make me weepy in two seconds.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) March 18, 2018
I’m in bed drinking red wine and reading reviews of different meditation apps and I’ve never felt so 31 years old before
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) March 21, 2018