Below, we’ve gathered 31 tweets that hilariously and honestly describe the nightly struggle of sharing a bed with another human.
It's funny that my wife thinks I have a "side" of the bed. I think she means my "sliver" of bed I've been allotted.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 15, 2017
World’s Worst Sounds:— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 3, 2018
1. Nails on a chalkboard
2. Alarm clock
3. Dentist’s drill
4. That tiny puff of air my husband’s lips make every time he exhales while sleeping
*watching husband sleep*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed.— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 6, 2016
You don't even need an alarm clock when you're married cuz he will loudly clear his throat and wake you at 6am every morning until you die.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 11, 2017
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2014
I'm not allowed to cross the grocery dividers my wife puts in between us in bed.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 19, 2017
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Each night my wife takes three pillows that aren’t for sleeping off of the bed and puts them on a chair that’s not for sitting.— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) January 18, 2018
I can’t be sure but either my husband’s snoring woke me up or the earth itself cracked in half.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2018
Couldn’t sleep last night. Too busy rolling my husband over and over like a damn rotisserie chicken to stop him from snoring.— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 28, 2017
Me: Did I snore last night?— Phil (@geowizzacist) October 8, 2017
My wife: No you woke up screaming from a nightmare.
Hello couchness my old friend— Jack C (@Jack_C44) December 27, 2016
I've come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I'm breathing
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2016
My favorite position for my husband in bed? On his side so he doesn’t snore.— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 3, 2017
Is there a Sleep Number 666 to warm my wife’s icy feet?— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) July 10, 2017
The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018
Last night, my husband said a complete sentence in his sleep so I woke him up to tell him how creepy that was.— Wendy (@_wendyb07) January 28, 2017
Me to husband: I never sleep well when you're gone & hate it when you travel.— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) May 26, 2017
Also Me: I hate it when you breathe like that in your sleep
My husband volunteered to sleep on the couch tonight since he’s been snoring so much lately.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 2, 2018
Don’t tell me the fire isn’t burning bright in our marriage.
Marriage is basically agreeing to not sleep in a comfortable position again for the rest of your life.— QUΞΞN ΔLΔNΔ (@AlanaRockz) November 16, 2015
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.— Bipolar Bear ✪ (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She's awake now.
[day 3 of a cold]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 1, 2017
me: To my wife I leave-
wife [sitting beside me in bed] *turns the TV up*
[in bed]— Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) November 6, 2016
Me: hey, did you grab my butt
Wife: yeah sorry, I was looking for the remote
*crinkle*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 28, 2016
*crinkle* *crinkle* *crinkle*
wife [trying to sleep] What the hell are you doing?!
me [trying to open a bag of Cheetos] Nothing
I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017
Marriage means sometimes you have to apologize for something you did in another person's dream.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2017
*gets out of bed first so wife has to make it*— brent (@murrman5) April 14, 2017