Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Half of all little kids soccer games are spent yelling, "Wrong way! Wrong way!"— knittykins (@Knittykins) October 7, 2017
For a kid who thinks cowboy boots and swim trunks are a good combination, my 4yo sure is meticulous about picking which pumpkin to take home— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 12, 2017
When my kids make me food out of Play-Doh I always eat it and that's what makes me a better father than you.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 9, 2017
If you're not formulating and assembling an essential project at 10pm the night before it's due, is your kid really in middle school?— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) October 13, 2017
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 7, 2017
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’m not saying kids ruin your life, I’m just saying mine told her teacher all about my chin hair.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) October 12, 2017
In the car earlier, I belted out every word of Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” over my kids' loud protests, and it was the best 3:04 minutes of my day.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 6, 2017
From the other room, I heard my wife yell, “That’s not chapstick! That’s glue!”— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2017
I think I’ll let her handle this one.
Being a parent is mostly just yelling "Wash your hands!" whenever you hear a toilet flush.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 9, 2017
I’m feeling yucky tonight so everyone in my family is catering to me.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 11, 2017
Just kidding. The dog looks slightly concerned but that’s about it.
I love my 4yo. But when she yells "mom your legs are so hairy!" in the middle of a crowded mall, I have no choice but to deny all relation.— 👻SpookyPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 10, 2017
I just told my husband “Hang on; I have to go potty”, in case you wondered how having six kids affects a marriage.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 12, 2017
Welcome to parenthood.— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 10, 2017
Hope you don't enjoy sitting or sleeping.
My kid hates tying his shoes so much I expect to see “Velcro-4-Life” tattooed on his chest.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 12, 2017
Parenting, verb: The act of falling asleep while pretending to be asleep in an effort to get tiny versions of yourself to sleep.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 11, 2017
Me: *discovers huge mess in room* What happened in here?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) October 9, 2017
Before I had kids I had no idea that so much of my adult life would be spent saying, "No, you can't make slime right now!"— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 12, 2017
Chocolate cake!— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 10, 2017
Oh, chocolate cereal!
Mac and cheese!
-My kids writing a grocery list.
Took some Children's Tylenol last night and slept soundly, while dreaming of Sesame Street. I don't think it's supposed to work like that.— Count JACQUES-ULA (@jnyemb) October 9, 2017
Sign your kid up for the sport they BEG to play so you can listen to their incessant bitching about it as you drive them to practice.— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) October 9, 2017
8yo: Mom!— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 12, 2017
Me: She's in the shower.
8: I know.
M: Then why'd you call her?
8: *shrugs* That's what I do.
I have so many pictures of my 3y.o. napping to assure myself that, yes, occasionally he IS quiet.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) October 9, 2017
My daughter started talking to a tower of garbage cans thinking it was me, so don’t you dare suggest that motherhood is a thankless job.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 12, 2017
I'm sorry I can't make it to your event. It's just that it takes place after my kids are asleep and that's when I do all of my lying still.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 13, 2017