Half of all little kids soccer games are spent yelling, "Wrong way! Wrong way!"
— knittykins (@Knittykins) October 7, 2017
For a kid who thinks cowboy boots and swim trunks are a good combination, my 4yo sure is meticulous about picking which pumpkin to take home
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 12, 2017
When my kids make me food out of Play-Doh I always eat it and that's what makes me a better father than you.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 9, 2017
If you're not formulating and assembling an essential project at 10pm the night before it's due, is your kid really in middle school?
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) October 13, 2017
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 7, 2017
I’m not saying kids ruin your life, I’m just saying mine told her teacher all about my chin hair.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) October 12, 2017
In the car earlier, I belted out every word of Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” over my kids' loud protests, and it was the best 3:04 minutes of my day.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 6, 2017
From the other room, I heard my wife yell, “That’s not chapstick! That’s glue!”
I think I’ll let her handle this one.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2017
Being a parent is mostly just yelling "Wash your hands!" whenever you hear a toilet flush.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 9, 2017
I’m feeling yucky tonight so everyone in my family is catering to me.
Just kidding. The dog looks slightly concerned but that’s about it.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 11, 2017
I love my 4yo. But when she yells "mom your legs are so hairy!" in the middle of a crowded mall, I have no choice but to deny all relation.
— 👻SpookyPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 10, 2017
I just told my husband “Hang on; I have to go potty”, in case you wondered how having six kids affects a marriage.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 12, 2017
Welcome to parenthood.
Hope you don't enjoy sitting or sleeping.
— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 10, 2017
My kid hates tying his shoes so much I expect to see “Velcro-4-Life” tattooed on his chest.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 12, 2017
Parenting, verb: The act of falling asleep while pretending to be asleep in an effort to get tiny versions of yourself to sleep.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 11, 2017
Me: *discovers huge mess in room* What happened in here?
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) October 9, 2017
Before I had kids I had no idea that so much of my adult life would be spent saying, "No, you can't make slime right now!"
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 12, 2017
Oh, chocolate cereal!
Mac and cheese!
-My kids writing a grocery list.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 10, 2017
Took some Children's Tylenol last night and slept soundly, while dreaming of Sesame Street. I don't think it's supposed to work like that.
— Count JACQUES-ULA (@jnyemb) October 9, 2017
Sign your kid up for the sport they BEG to play so you can listen to their incessant bitching about it as you drive them to practice.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) October 9, 2017
Me: She's in the shower.
8: I know.
M: Then why'd you call her?
8: *shrugs* That's what I do.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 12, 2017
I have so many pictures of my 3y.o. napping to assure myself that, yes, occasionally he IS quiet.
— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) October 9, 2017
My daughter started talking to a tower of garbage cans thinking it was me, so don’t you dare suggest that motherhood is a thankless job.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 12, 2017
I'm sorry I can't make it to your event. It's just that it takes place after my kids are asleep and that's when I do all of my lying still.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 13, 2017