There are two indisputable truths about Indians: 1) We're obsessed with sex, and 2) We love giving advice. What happens when you mix our life's obsession with its most enduring passion? Hilarity ensues, of course. Add to this delightful mix, our people's unshakable faith in the bride and groom's virginity and we have ourselves a Molotov cocktail of absurdity, bizarreness and generous helpings of crazy. (To accept that young people might have the temerity to acquaint themselves with the pleasures of the flesh before the pheras have been completed, the 'kubool hai' has been uttered, or the "I do" has been pronounced, would shake the very foundations of our zealously guarded culture.) We asked a bunch of young men and women about the strangest 'first night' advice they were given before their weddings. And their answers were... illuminating. In no order of importance or eye-roll-worthiness, here are 14 priceless bullets of enlightenment/entertainment.
- "Doodh pe malai matt jamne dena."
This is such deliciously poetic and ambiguous advice! Is the milk a metaphor for a word our sanskars won't let us breathe? Is the malai a place-holder for naughtier tidings? How is doodh pe malai matt jamne dena not a lyric in a Karisma – Govinda-starrer from the 90s?
- "If you don't know how much time to give her head, just spell the alphabet on her vagina. They need that long to become happy."
While we're completely on board with the idea of erring on the side of caution when it comes to how much oral is enough oral for a lady, having someone practise their spellings down there... We're not sure. Unless, she's a kindergarten teacher. In that case, let the spelling bee commence.
- "If the girl is on top, she won't get pregnant because of the gravity."
If this doesn't deserve a special entry in Sir Isaac Newton's Wikipedia page, we don't know what does.
- "They all look the same in the dark."
Also, in case you were wondering, there is no secret ingredient.
- "Clip and file your nails."
Excellent advice! SO much better than having to think of convincing explanations for the ER nurse as to why a broken fingernail is lodged in places broken fingernails have no business being. We approve.
- "If you make him sneeze just before he comes, the orgasm will be stronger."
This just begs the question: how exactly is one supposed to halt proceedings mid-way and pull this incredible feat? Hide a pinch of MDH mirchi powder under the pillow and lovingly blow it in the beau's direction just as he's about to come? Whip out a feather and tickle the poor sod's nostrils?
- "Squeeze her boobs like a horn. They love it."
And then get her to yank your equipment like a stick shift. You'll love it.
- "Light off se pehle ghunghat uthake confirm kar lena."
Two minutes' silence for the bloke who lived through this life-altering experience and survived to warn his brethren of the deception that might await them on the other side of the treacherous ghunghat.
- "It is best to have sex in the night because the body is relaxed and the sperm are sleeping."
This, friends, is EXACTLY why we need compulsory sex education in school.
- "If you want to get pregnant immediately, lie with your legs up in the air for 15 minutes right after sex. If you don't, immediately stand up so it drains out."
And this, here, is how we got to be a country of 1.3 confused billion.
- "If you love him, you'll enjoy the sex."
Are there any exceptions to this golden rule? Say, if he burps into your mouth while kissing?
- "Scrape your teeth lightly on the shaft. It makes the sensations stronger."
This only works if the sensations you're aiming for is stomach-roiling fear and pain.
- "Put an ice popsicle inside the vagina before doing it. The cold will make the sex more pleasurable for him."
Is this the real reason hotel rooms come equipped with that useless mini fridge? Our whole life feels like a lie, at this point!
- "Go to sleep early, there is a pooja in the morning."
Sex can wait, sanskar can't.