It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single person in possession of a good phone must be in want of an app called Tinder. Another truth, also universally acknowledged, is that an Indian person in possession of a life must be in want of cash. Oooonly if Tinder wasn't trapped in a hoax called #sapiosexual, demonetisation would have been the next most romantic thing to have happened to India after Shah Rukh Khan.
Seriously, who wouldn't swipe right on profiles that read thus: "Here for conversations while standing in bank queues. Love
working out walking to ATMs. Avid reader of RBI's crazy, hourly announcements, love solving squabbles in queues. Travelled to 40 ATMs and counting, enthusiastic collector of change." Or "34-26-34: the number of 100, 50, 10 rupees notes I have right now."
Where would you find a better test of relationships than right now in this country?
Now that we have floated the idea, let's give credit where its due. Where would you find a better test of relationships than right now in this country? You've guzzled enough 'relationship' columns in glossies for the purpose, in vain. I mean, if Cosmopolitan really knew of a 7-step process to ascertain 'he is the one', he wouldn't have been your seventh.
So instead of putting 'carpe diem' as your Tinder bio and making people seize the day to swipe left, actually seize this opportunity
life a life-sucking government policy has given you. Just consider the amount of clarity a 10-minute lunch break negotiation over WhatsApp offers.
"Money over. Cigarettes bhi."
If he/she replies immediately, saying, "Dude, you had 5 smokes and it's only 2 pm!" he/she most definitely isn't the one. In the hierarchy of boyfriends/girlfriends that suck, sneaky cigarette-box checker is right up there with Santa-Banta jokes machine. And next time some highly-placed dudes in the country feel bored and decide to play gilli danda with its people, remember you'll be alone in the journey of being the government's gilli. So lose this one right now.
And next time some highly-placed dudes in the country feel bored and decide to play gilli danda with its people, remember you'll be alone in the journey of being the government's gilli.
If he/she replies 20 minutes after blue tick and 10 minutes of "Typing....", saying, "Will look for ATM on way back," this one deserves a second chance, at least. You may have to be slightly less uncertain-sounding the next time. Try "Money over, cigarettes bhi, got a terrible headache too *insert sad smiley*".
If he/she replies immediately, saying, "No worries, at an ATM. Fingers crossed," this one is for keeps. Because great ATM habits >> great toilet/grammar/bathing-in-Delhi-winter habits. Keep this one even if he/she spells 'worries' as 'wrz' in the message or picks his/her nose in public. Remember what they say about pain and gain?
If smoker friends are reasons you always miss the first 5 minutes of a movie, don't worry, you don't have to embrace your enemy cigarettes for this dating-test. There's something for you too. Try taking the auto with the aspiring long-term date a couple of times. If he/she offers to pay three consecutive times without making loud 'tch-tch' sounds while rummaging through the wallet, you should start choosing songs that must play as you walk into the sunset, together, holding hands. If the auto-wallah gives you ₹2,000 change, please leave his number in the comments section, thank you.
And of course, a man or a woman is as good as his/her weekend morning rituals. If the your crush's involves bank and ATM queues, you're advised to sing "Pardesi, pardesi, jana nahin, mujhe chhor ke" to him/her asap.
You've probably been wondering what this new post-demonetisation phrase 'greater good' at all means. Is it the new 'YOLO', the new DJ Waale Babu, or the new 'bae' (meaning nothing)? Well, you can thank me later for explaining what it can mean to you.
So get in line and sada single (na) raho, mitron!
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