19/10/2016 6:06 PM IST | Updated 19/10/2016 6:36 PM IST

12 Habits That Distinguish The Modern Indian Patriot

A Patriot, like his father, believes in a ‘benign dictator’.

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A Patriot does not watch Pakistani porn. If he is deeply habituated, the Patriot quits watching Pakistani porn after Indians die in a terror attack, and resumes only when peace returns.

A Patriot need not pay his taxes honestly as long as he stands for the national anthem in theatres and makes others stand, including the disabled.

A Patriot need not know in what language the national anthem was written because knowledge is a Nehruvian corruption.

A Patriot is on Wikipedia right now to figure out the language of the national anthem.

A Patriot is under no pressure to join the military but encourages impoverished men with limited options to choose the risky profession, especially the army, which absorbs thousands of small farmers. A Patriot thinks highly of such people, and when he is on a Hero Honda he may even salute a passing poor person in army fatigues. And upon the demise of the said person in army fatigues, the Patriot praises him using a very Pakistani compliment—"martyr".

A Patriot's father is or was a Patriot. A Patriot, like his father, believes in a 'benign dictator'.

A Patriot constantly seeks assurance that the genetic pool he belongs to is kind of good. So he gets very excited when an Indian does well, especially when the Indian in question has defeated white and yellow people. The Patriot is reassured of his genetic pool even when Indians do well in Tennis Doubles.

A Patriot has the capacity to feel angry and feel proud and type at the same time.

A Patriot is "first an Indian", following an extraordinary mutation that makes all his identities very distinct, linear and existing in a hierarchical order.

A Muslim Patriot has to present evidence every four hours.

A Patriot's friends are Patriots.

A Patriot would feel that the Patriots of other nations are very dumb. He would wonder why they seem so stupid.