When you're vegetarian, hanging out with meat-eaters ranks among the most annoying things in the world. Put a bhindi in your mouth, and there it comes, that clever question no one has ever asked before: why don't you just eat grass? Bite into paneer, and instantly get a lecture on how breeding cows for milk is as cruel as breeding them for burgers. And to add insult to injury, no non-vegetarian will hesitate to dig a spoon into your dish of choice – arre, unlike you, they can eat anything, no?
Here are 20 lines guaranteed to turn us gentle herbivores into homicidal maniacs armed with forks.
1. You're vegetarian? Reallllly?
No. I just say that when I'm surrounded by idiots.
2. Where do you get your proteins?
Here are some very sufficient sources of protein vegetarians eat on a daily basis. Quinoa (one cup contains 8.14 grams), tempeh (a half-cup serving has 15 grams), lentils and beans (a cup of lentils has 18 grams). I can go on and on.
(One cup of quinoa provides 8.14 gm of protein. Half a cup of tempeh gives me 15 gm of protein. One cup of lentils gives me 18 gm of protein. If you want more nutritional advice, you'll have to pay me.)
3. Do you not drink too?
(Do you want ice with your potato juice and malted grain?)
4. Chicken nikal ke gravy kha ja. (Pick out the chicken pieces, just have the gravy.)
(Sure, if you eat my leftover bhindi ka masala.)
5. Why do you even have to order food? Gamle ka patta kha ja. (Eat those plants)
Why are you ordering food? You have meat on your arms, right? Right.
6. Try it once, na. It's yum.
Sure, when you bite into a Vietnamese fried cockroach. I believe that's good.
7. When are you joining PETA?
When you open a slaughter house. (Unfortunately, humans are animals too, and they won't let me slaughter you.)
8. Plants have feelings too!
Ah, the old same argument. (C'est la vie.)
9. But what if you were stuck on an island with nothing but a hamburger?
I'll remove the ham and eat the burger, Einstein.
10. If I give you 25 billion dollars, will you eat meat then?
Show me the money first.
11. Chilli chicken and chilli paneer cost the same. Why not eat chilly chicken?
Ever heard of a word called choice? I can get you a dictionary so you can look up the word 'choice'.
12. You're missing out on a lot in life.
Thanks for letting me know.
13. Sher log meat khaate hai. (Lions eat meat.)
Hey! I watch the Animal Planet channel too! But what's your point?
14. I'm a non-vegetarian.
15. Try this. It's boneless.
You aren't helping but thanks.
16. I am a vegetarian on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
You mean you are less annoying on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
17. Chefs use the same utensils to cook all the food. That means you're a non-vegetarian in a way.
Oooh! You mean there's paneer lurking in your murgh makhni?
18. Why do you love animals so much?
I don't think I do. I mean, just now I don't love you.
19. Anda bhi nahi khaata? Anda toh veg hota hai. (You don't even eat eggs? Egg is vegetarian, no?)
No, but I'd be happy to crack open a rotten one on your skull.
20. Foreign country mein manage kaise karega? (How will you manage abroad?)
Well, I've managed to put up with you. Clearly, I'm tolerant.
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