Most couples and individuals who come into sex therapist Tammy Nelsonâs office want to know the same thing: Is my sex life with my partner normal?
âThey want to know if they are having enough sex, the right kind of sex, if their partner wants too much sex,â Nelson, a sexologist and the author of The New Monogamy, said. âSometimes, theyâre worried that they should be doing something totally different in bed.â
In response, Nelson usually tells people the same thing.
âForget about ânormal.â âNormalâ is a setting on the washing machine, nothing more. Whatâs most important is that you learn to have empathy for your partner and accept whatever their needs might be, even if they are different than your own,â she explained.
Below, Nelson and other sex therapists share the advice they give couples concerned about their sex lives (or lack thereof).
Stop worrying about how often other couples are doing it.
Forgot about keeping up with the Jonesâ very active sex life: Each couple has a ânormâ when it comes to sex and thatâs what you should be concerned about, said Dawn Michael, a sexologist and the author of My Husband Wonât Have Sex With Me.
âIf a couple had sex three times a week for many years and itâs now down to once a week, the pattern has changed and the frequency has gone down,â she said. âWe focus on that in our conversation.â
But Michael also stresses that when it comes to sex, there is no magic number â and most couples who say theyâre getting it on all the time are fibbing.
âA lot of couples will say they have sex three times a week, but from what I see in my private practice, that number does not correlate with the truth.â
Whatâs normal for you now wonât be whatâs normal for you in a few years.
What matters more than finding a nationwide average is determining how sexually satisfied you are at this point in your life, said Chris Rose, sex educator at the website Pleasure Mechanics.
âYour shared sex life is a constant navigation between the tides of your libido, your time and energy, and mutual desire to prioritize sex,â she said. âFrequent conversations about your sex life â and increasing the amount of affectionate touch you share outside of the bedroom â may actually be the most important factors in a long-term sexually satisfying relationship.â