The women of Twitter have us in splits. They've proved that you don't have to be a stand-up comic to slay on a daily basis.
From current issues to daily irritants, they have it all covered.
Here are some of the wittiest tweets you'll read today or this week or maybe this year.
TV pe show ek dhang ka nahi hai par remote pe button itne hai ki banda aeroplane chala le.— फ्रु (@Oinkoo) July 15, 2014
Ugh hate it when I suddenly can't wear my torn underwear because I'm in a 'relationship'.— can you not (@amyoosed) November 7, 2014
me- so lol friendzoning is like rsvp-ing "maybe" to a facebook event invitation— Crapo (@Creepowoman) September 24, 2015
uber driver- pls ask my salary like everybody else
Guy: Your boobs are amazing.— Animisha (@anymysha) December 27, 2014
Me: Thanks, I grew them myself.
Me:*cleans house*replaces bedsheets*rolls round rotis*paints grandma's toenails*— glistening placenta (@AccioBae) June 5, 2015
Ma: Hum tumhare jitne the tab hum roller coaster banate the
On a serious note, Gandhiji is not smiling.— Poonam Khatri (@poonamkhatri) July 30, 2013
While we are busy changing names & calling Bombay Mumbai & Bangalore Bengaluru, can we do something about Bhosari here in Pune?— Protima Tiwary (@DumbbellsnDrama) February 25, 2016
*During Viva*— nin (@NautankiNinja) October 25, 2015
Sir: Name the alkaline earth metals.
Me: Magnesium, Calcium.
Sir: Aur bolo.
Me: Main theek hu. Aap batao.
Yaha logo ka roka ho raha hai, aur mere sath ab bhi dhoka ho raha hai.— BeingNita (@VinithaShetty) April 17, 2016
When he finally finds your g-spot pic.twitter.com/jgFRLyAW7q— Priyal (@priyal) October 7, 2015
Totes going to Rahman's manicurist. pic.twitter.com/j6nax92opp— Scrappy Coco (@Nomnombiar) December 28, 2015
If you take the words 'Daaru', 'Gaadi' and 'Kudi' out of Punjabi songs, all you would have to listen to is 'oho x10'.— P (@lovehandle_) April 15, 2013
"i broke my wrist"— a kite (@pigeonladyX) May 5, 2016
facebook: oh my god are you okay should i send food
twitter: how will you masturbate now
Just did the hand-out-of-taxi-to-feel-the-rain thing from Wake Up Sid and cabbie yelled at me saying "PEHLE BOLNE KA NA RIGHT LENA HAI"— Crapo (@Creepowoman) June 24, 2013
Jab dono "didn't told" se hain raazi,— Megha (@ammoloaded) October 17, 2012
Toh kya karlega Grammar Nazi?
"Hasta kya hai be ?"— no (@mumbaiifreak) October 25, 2013
Bhaiya, puchke mein thoda aur teekha daalo pic.twitter.com/TiUbRQ2p5m— Princess Consuela (@lady_gabbar) September 10, 2015
I think Sanjay Dutt is India's first freelance prisoner— Sonali Thakker (@SonaliThakker) December 6, 2013
*visits Spain*— Likaaaaaaaaaaa (@supaarwoman) April 7, 2015
Local: Welcome to Spain! Como estas?
Me: Bailamos, let the rhythm take you over bailamos
Daft Punk on the way to work. pic.twitter.com/AqtYgr0icH— Anuradha (@anuradha_kush) May 20, 2016
Q. How do the Emirati babies cry?— Sense of tumor (@dashhtweets) February 25, 2015
A. "uae uae..."
I always thought "Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic" was our national anthem which is why it played before every movie.— Aditi Mittal (@awryaditi) November 30, 2016
A man walks into a bar.— Shruti (@ShrutiSeTakkar) December 3, 2015
Everyone gets up and greets him cause he's their boss and it's not a bar it's a conference room and there's no joke
"Toh Kya Ukhad loge?" is something you never say to a Dentist— Priyanka Lahiri (@lahirip) June 13, 2013
Uncle : Beta abhi kya age ho gai hai tumhari— pinku (@LEDtvn) May 7, 2016
Me : 29 ki ho gai hun.
Uncle : Tumhari age me toh mai 35 ka ho gaya tha.
Waiting for The Chainsmokers and Matchbox Twenty to collaborate and do an album called Lung Cancer.— Shrutzpah (@shrutithenaik) February 8, 2017
Lets take a moment to acknowledge the oddity of Akshay Kumars shaved armpits in this movie.Boat party anyone? pic.twitter.com/Ei8f4aQMQa— Purva (@thatobesewoman) March 1, 2015
Breaking news : Katrina Kaif was severely injured in an upcoming movie while doing impossible stunts like giving an expression.— Prajakta. (@SocialBitterfly) September 19, 2014
Pic 1 : Humour of guys whom I like.— Saverita Fernandes. (@Fernandes_Savvy) January 19, 2017
Pic 2 : Humour of guys who like me. pic.twitter.com/6FJ59lUuif
"I can't believe you're single. I mean, who wouldn't want to go out with you?" "Hey, do you want to go out with m--" "Ooh look aeroplane!"— Namaah (@The_HappyNoodle) October 9, 2012
Sharmaji ka beta pic.twitter.com/dBSHQ7xtMi— Sneha Pai (@ClassicallyWild) May 23, 2016
Brother I cannot help you in matters of a Refrigerator. I am very busy with human beings in distress. https://t.co/cpC5cWBPcz— Sushma Swaraj (@SushmaSwaraj) June 13, 2016
...... pic.twitter.com/BH27lzjDit— Nirzary (@nirzary) August 23, 2016
My relationship goals are inspired by Kader Khan in Akhiyon Se Goli Maare, where he introduces his wife as "Yeh apun ka punter hai".— Pffftt (@Kalamwali_Bai) December 29, 2015
iPhone auto backup pic.twitter.com/wpxSOKWogu— Sandhya Ramesh (@sandygrains) July 31, 2016
Twitter, where you log in saying "Kya ho raha hai?" And log out saying "Ho kya raha hai?"— Priyanka Lahiri (@lahirip) November 24, 2015
Doctor : where does it hurt?— Lola Kuttiamma (@Priya_Menon) August 20, 2015
Me : *shows him tweets with 0 favs and 0 RTs* here
If we don't get off the flight within the first 50 seconds of it landing, the flight will take off again with us in it - Indians— Priyal (@priyal) December 12, 2014
Told the taxi dude to jump the red light and now wondering if he's wondering how wild I am in bed— can you not (@amyoosed) April 25, 2016
*Let's do something cheesy*— Prajakta M. (@SocialBitterfly) November 11, 2014
Honey Singh : Heart
Wifey : Cheese vadapav pic.twitter.com/h7Ks8JiKKO
Friend just dropped me to metro station in his white Swift Dzire and I ended up saying "bhaiya trip end kar dena".— Namelass (@DilliBelle) October 28, 2015
Flights delayed due to fog. One lady tells her husband "next time se we'll go by another airline ok?"— PollyP (@PolyesterPalla) November 7, 2015
the capital of Boman Irani is Bmuscat Tehrani— Rega Jha (@RegaJha) February 22, 2016
Ke main hu hero tera ~ Akshay Kumar to about 15 directors in a year— mediocre gandhi (@drpoonam) August 31, 2015
"Are you a bike or car person?"— LordAnusHahaha (@TheVacuumHead) July 23, 2014
"I am a poor person."
*Dad reporting missing daughters in police station*— DaaTanchiTaai (@runjhunmehrotra) February 15, 2016
Inspector-any picture of girl ?
*Girl appears from nowhere*
"But pls delete aftr seeing"
Punjabi playlist hai ki shopping cart? pic.twitter.com/AKTgQTdH7P— P (@lovehandle_) February 9, 2017
when only the girl's side has paid for the photographer pic.twitter.com/NyssCDRPdn— Nish De Gea (@RootKanal) June 9, 2015
Why anyone wants to attend a Skrillex gig is beyond me. If you are into sweaty people and bad music you might as well take the Virar local.— Nivedita (@Nivivacious) October 8, 2015
Office jaake kamao,— Madhura (@PunsTurnMeOn) July 29, 2015
Salary dekhke LMAO.
Throat so sore, my vagina is jealous.— Meh. (@MissTumbledore) October 4, 2016
At a restaurant -— S. (@Kalamwali_Bai) November 13, 2015
Me: Excuse me, isme celery bahut kam hai.
Waiter: haha aapki bhi?
Me: *dies in sleep*— Sharma Ji Ki Ladki (@lady_gabbar) February 19, 2016
Family and friends: Well, at least she died doing what she loved most.
Indian mothers have the cure for gluten allergy and lactose intolerance. It's called "ek thappad padega toh sab khaya jaaega!"— Meh. (@MissTumbledore) October 6, 2015
Used so much Fair&Lovely on my face that now I can't even walk down the street without winning sports tournaments or getting job offers.— Cathartic Screams (@Just_Screams) November 4, 2015
Didi tera dewar deewanaaaa— Peglet (@PedestrianPoet) April 8, 2016
Haye ram kudiyon ko kare sexually harass under the garb of archaic tradition giving his actions legitimacy.
Didn't have my ID card at the club, so just showed the bouncer that I didn't know how to use Snapchat, and he let me in.— Animisha (@anymysha) May 4, 2016
suzanne: pls dont talk in ur secret language when i'm here— crapo (@Creepowoman) March 4, 2017
hrithik to hridhaan & hrehaan: hyour hmother hcant hever hbond hlike bthis hrofl
All your friends are single and not getting married if you don't log in to Facebook pic.twitter.com/QIaqLYxgaU— Ani (@DailyVelli) February 20, 2017
Forced the dog to travel in the car with me when he made it very clear that he wasn't interested. This is my punishment. 😭😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/E71O5AJJUj— Natasha A. (@Grammar_nazzzi) February 24, 2017
You are the writer of your own story. Your mom is the editor.— LordAnusHahaha (@TheVacuumHead) June 12, 2016
Guy: hey your bra strap is showing— Neha Ramneek Kapoor (@PWNeha) December 4, 2016
Same guy: *pulls dick out to pee on the road*
*4:30 AM - first rays of sunshine hit the earth*— Namelass (@DilliBelle) February 27, 2016
*South Delhi person puts RayBan reflectors on*
Sometimes I charge my phone up to 98% and unplug it bcz why should I be the only one who didn't have the orgasm— 98% (@amyoosed) November 12, 2016
Wanted to go out on a romantic dinner date with boyfriend. Can you suggest some nice boyfriend?— Poulami Sinha (@ThePhoolanDevi) January 4, 2016
Me: it's raining how to go to school— Sheen Millicent (@SuchAMisfit) May 6, 2016
Mom: Hum pahad cross krke, river mein crocodiles se lad ke, bunjee jumping krke school jate the so stfu
When you try to sneak off for a smoke. pic.twitter.com/1uhqwAP8aY— Purva (@thatobesewoman) March 1, 2017
Do you see that red line under the words you type like "nd" "awsm" "lyf" "typ" "luvv"? Yeah? That's not for decoration, you moron.— Megha (@ammoloaded) November 16, 2012
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