16/06/2016 5:25 PM IST | Updated 04/09/2016 8:21 PM IST

​10 Dumb Things Indian Men Need To Stop Assuming About Women On Tinder

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It's been weeks since Tinder released its 'sanskaari' ad. Our lot has survived Tinder's attempts to repair its hymen before the doli leaves the verandah.

As the (self-appointed) chronicler of the love lives of my not insubstantial number of women friends, I'm happy to report that the ad didn't do any lasting damage to how we use the app. In fact, it barely registered on our radars as anything other than something people on Twitter were grumbling about. On the spectrum of who-cares- about-his- last-name- I-just- want-to-bone-him to looking-for-my-soulmate, all my girlfriends are still perched exactly where they chose to be on the app.

Maybe if Tinder had used more convincing actors and a script that wasn't quite so insipid, the sex-seekers may have decided to turn in their party heels for homely Bata chappals.

I don't know why Tinder chose to run that ad and honestly, I don't much care. My best bet is that it's a delusional MBA-type sitting in the corner office of Tinder who's responsible for the genius marketing coup that, frankly, my 8th-pass grandmother often muttered in her sleep: pehle shaadi, phir suhag raat.

What I do care about is all the sniggering and smirking that went on after the ad came out. And I couldn't help but notice that it was mostly the men around me doing it. It's so convenient, it's laughable. Or cringe-inducing, depending on how you're feeling about casual sexism on the day you watch the ad. Of course it's a woman receiving her mom's approval to go to an unthreatening drama festival on a Tinder date. Of course that means she's using Tinder as a (much) poorer UX alternative for shaadi.com (why does the damn thing hang so often?). And of course men should find that deeply upsetting. Are they safe nowhere?

What does a brother have to do to get laid peacefully without a woman (and her mother) whingeing and whining about trying to milk a cow you haven't bought? Except there's a teensy plot hole in this blockbuster script: dudes, you're being betrayed by your own lot. Lurking amongst your ranks are infidels running around the city, falling in love at first swipe and popping the question to terrorised women who were, you know, looking only to 'go to drama festivals', no strings attached. No kidding. It's happened to three extremely disgusted girlfriends in the last one month.

That's just one of the many, many dumb things men insist on believing about the ladies on Tinder. So in the spirit of sweeping generalisations, here's a list of 10, in no particular order. Except point #1, that shit is really pissing off.

Dumb belief #1: We want to marry you.

Cannot. Overstate. This. Seriously. Only your mum thinks of you as an irresistible bachelor. Every time you're inclined to tell women 'this isn't shaadi.com'; in your bio, just remember that somewhere close by, a woman's sipping wine, wondering who would marry this thing. We're cruel, when given unsolicited advice.

Dumb belief #2: Your inner Rumi lights our fire.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good body, is on no need of a bullshit philosophy in their DP." ~ Jane Austen, circa 2016.

Dumb belief #3: Your impressive 'wolf pack'.

What you're showing: your popularity with the bros. What we're thinking: this is a circle jerk and you're the pivot man.

Dumb belief #4: We care what combination of letters your personality type is.

You say INFP, we hear Pffft.

Dumb belief #5: We care about whether you're willing to lie about where we met.

Because irony must never be explained.

Dumb belief #6: A beard and handlebar moustache will get you laid.

Not unless you're Ranveer Singh, it won't. Yes, most of us dig facial hair, but spellings on steroids, emoji exuberance and general inanity will still get you unmatched faster than you can twirl 'em whiskers.

Dumb belief #7: What do you mean you're NOT a Scorpio?

The only thing worse than telling us your personality type is telling us your zodiac sign. Ugh.

Dumb belief #8: It's not really a compliment until it comes at another woman's cost.

A guy on Tinder recently told me that I looked really good in a nose ring unlike most other women who couldn't carry it off. A compliment, even one we've received a thousand times, will be appreciated, yes. But never at the cost of insulting other women, even the unknown ones. Most self-respecting women will unmatch, instantly.

Dumb belief #9: We want to know how to find you on Blackberry, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook.

Because what is more fun than having to scrub all social networks, when one of us decides to ghost the other?

Dumb belief #10: We're so happy you're #Blessed.

Grown-ass people have shitty bosses, mortgages, loans and too few vacation days. Your unicorn may be frolicking in a meadow of contentment and sharting happiness, but it's still annoying AF. Misery is an excellent conversational lubricant. Try.

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