Here's a fun activity: go to your 'Following' list on Twitter and check the first few accounts you followed. Yes, it's kind of embarrassing. Twitter, long, long ago, was that platform that gave you unhindered stalking rights to follow the actor, actress, sports star or musician of you have obsessed over the most. However, how long could you survive on love, peace, and we-party-with-other-stars posts? Or, if you are very lucky - like Salman Khan lucky - you would get a 'happy bday' tweet back.
How then, some of you managed to hang around on Twitter? Apart from the satisfaction of being an audience to squabbles, the Twitter jokes played a big role in making you stick around Twitter.
On any given day, the people who brighten up your Twitter timeline - quite literally - are not the PR dominated handles of stars. It is that meme about Modi or that joke about Rahul Gandhi.
You have shared them, used them as ice-breakers in dates and generally binged on them on the most boring of workdays, but what does it take to come up with witty one-liners or masterfully structured jokes that are sure to go viral?
On Monday, Playboy carried out a story which inspired us to carry out a desi version on the similar lines.
This is what Twitter's funniest men and women had to say about their most 'viral' jokes.
and then she was like iss pyaar ko kya naam duun bechain dil ko kaise aaram dun and rabba was like yeh puchne ke liye chaalis baar bulaya.
— Denver Ka Dhakkan (@tantanoo) December 11, 2015
You know how your 'mind-voice' sings sometimes? Mine has a particular fondness for the worst of Bollywood music(and a LOT of Govinda). So, one December evening back in 2015, my mindvoice was singing Rabba mere rabba rabba. Incessantly. That's when I realized that Kareena (while my mindvoice was singing this monstrosity, my mind-eyes completely refused to picture Tusshar) was earnestly summoning rabba only to ask him a rhetorical question. I was just feeling a tad bit sad for rabba and hence the tweets.
My favorite bit about that set of tweets, though, are the people who zealously reminded me that it wasn't actually Kareena but Tusshar who summons Rabba. Thanks to them, if I ever run into Kareena, I'll probably apologize for these tweets.
'Aur bata' is like the CPR attempted on a dying conversation.
— dorku (@Dorkstar) May 17, 2013
Have always hated talking on the phone. Specially small talk and those catch up talks with old friends who only call up on birthdays or so. And 'Aur bata' is just the most annoying filler that is used to continue a conversation which is not going anywhere. It's like I want this conversation to die but the other person revives it by giving CPR. So the tweet just came from there
If you buy a royal enfield, it will wait 3 months for you then go to ladakh by itself.
— Mr. RK Gupta (@prtxt) September 28, 2014
I used to notice one neighbor commuting from work to home on a Bullet regularly. For some reason I was convinced that he's been to Ladakh. One day I asked about his trip experience and then it occurred to me how the Enfield has become synonymous with Ladakh trip. He never went to Ladakh, of course.
Volvo buses were invented so that nobody misses out on the worst movies ever.
— Mr. RK Gupta (@prtxt) December 11, 2013
Volvos. Well. I've travelled and still have to travel a lot by buses. Every bus journey remains in your mind with one memory - you enduring the shittiest of cinema playing right in your face. This one time the film i had to watch was Players which prompted the tweet. I had actively avoided the movie but you have no power in bus.
Your order has been placed
Your order's been processed
Abhi seller tape lagaega
Delivery boy is wearing shoes now
— Akshar (@AksharPathak) December 17, 2015
I order things online a lot. I love it. It's like sending a gift to yourself. I order so much, that sometimes I forget what I ordered in the first place. Loljk. They remind you the whereabouts of it with 45000 messages.
Watching such close t20 matches with your parents is a test of your tongue. #IndvsBan
— Sagarcasm (@sagarcasm) March 23, 2016
During my college days, I was away from my parents. I always saw cricket matches with friends and cussing at such times was common. Using cuss words help in expressing one's emotions better. Now that I am back home, staying with my parents, controlling my tongue while watching very close matches is a huge challenge.
Veeru:basanti in kutton k samne mat nachna
V:naaai basanti mat nachna
— Bakwas Rider (@BakwasRadio) April 12, 2016
On twitter, it happens many times that you become a ping pong ball in a conversation between two people. They will not untag you and yet continue conversing. This scene of Veeru asking Basanti to not to dance in front of Gabbar is just that, Basanti being the ping pong ball here.
Girl 1-a what you doing ya?
Girl 2-nothing ya you ya?
G2- o ya ya
G1- o yaya
Jo bhi mai ..kehna chahu...
— Bakwas Rider (@BakwasRadio) December 6, 2013
I have heard many girls ending everything they speak with a 'ya'. Let's go yaa, aye come on ya. So one fine day I was listening to this O ya ya song and was able to link the two things, and it turned out to be a perfect fit.
*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
— Viren (@Kaminapun) October 18, 2015
When you're on a date, in order to impress her/him, sometimes you say something stupid. I was thinking about one of such instances and recreating the scene in my mind. (should have said this instead of that lol) So this termite thing came in my mind. And then I wrote this.
Me:*cleans house*replaces bedsheets*rolls round rotis*paints grandma's toenails*
Ma: Hum tumhare jitne the tab hum roller coaster banate the
— glistening placenta (@AccioBae) June 5, 2015
Living two decades of your life with a bunch of overachievers is a real downer when you're as lazy as me. This tweet in particular was a result of a very condescending remark my grandma made when I celebrated the rare occasion of my waking up on time.
I see accomplished people who were born the same year as I was& I console myself saying that they're 2.5 months older than me so I have time
— glistening placenta (@AccioBae) December 7, 2015
At the brink of graduating college, my classmates have already applied for scholarships and gotten themselves jobs. I was still in denial about having to "grow up" and do things that actual adults are supposed to do. what prompted me to write this tweet at the time, though, was when I read an article about my (very, very accomplished) senior from
"Super Nirma se saare daag chale jaayenge aur mummy ko pata bhi nahi chalega."
"Kyu nahi pata chalega?"
"Unki 10saal pehle death ho gayi."
— V (@Sarcusstic) October 19, 2013
I was (still am) a huge fan of Jeselnik (and dark humour, in general). So around that time, I started cracking a lot of dark jokes and apparently this one got famous.
What if Laxman Shivramakrishnan turns out to be an atheist?
— V (@Sarcusstic) May 28, 2013
One day I heard Laxman Shivramakrishnan screaming oh my god what a brilliant shot and I was like what if this dude is an atheist. That would be like bizarre.
A group of relatives is called an interrogation.
— amrtsh (@floydimus) January 5, 2016
Was quitting job at the time and leaving Bombay. So the relatives there invited for dinner the night before the tweet and at the table discussed what new job what package are you seeing any girl is shaadi kab kar rahe ho and ten different questions
It's sad how the death of one earpiece of your headphones leaves the other to a life of neglect & uselessness for no fault of its own.
— amrtsh (@floydimus) October 8, 2012
It was monsoons, went to office, plugged in headphones, left was working fine, right wala had noise coming out of it maybe spoiled in the rain so had to sit thru the day without music got frustrated and tweeted
Non smokers look down on smokers. Smokers look down on paan masala chewers. Masala chewers don't look at all & spit on shoes of non smokers.
— mrdl (@Psilosophy) January 5, 2013
Was at my paanwala to get daily sutta stock. Saw one dude put his head out of the bus window while he was on call and spit on the road without looking first. He ended up splitting on a v v buddhe uncle.
Nice to see 6th std. kids sent to IIT coaching. Pregnant females in India should start eating Physics textbooks for a bit early preparation.
— udaas priest (@UdaasPriest) December 2, 2012
The tweet was result of some furore over a new coaching class for kids in 6th std. The tweet sounds sarcastic but I was being truthful as that's what I am doing to my kids. I am also telling them "you are adopted" so they feel forever in debt and it'll ensure my old age is secure enough. Will take this a step further. Before the child is conceived, my wife too will have to take classes in physics, chemistry and maths because a child who didn't get into IIT is someone I don't want. I am lucky they don't have the option to abort once the child crosses the IIT JEE eligibility age or my dad would have gone for it. One guy replied to the tweet "I send my son too". That's when I knew I have a friend in him. Please ensure your kid goes to IIT. Every great person has been in IIT from Hamurabi to Gandhi, they all saw the doors of IIT. They don't tell us because they are scared.
*sells kidney to satisfy dad's expectations and gives him money*
"umm, you know what, our neighbour's son's kidney fetched more than this"
— udaas priest (@UdaasPriest) December 25, 2014
All fathers have expectations. They should. Why would anyone not want someone to punch and take their shit out on because they failed in life? Fathers set a benchmark. This tweet is a salute to all fathers. No matter what you do, they will point out someone who's done more so as to inspire you, motivate you. If you walk on the surface of the Sun, it is obvious someone else's son has passed the Sun through his butthole. My respect towards fathers increased after I got to know my kidney fetched less than neighbour's kid. So I sold my other kidney but no luck. Then I died. Little did I know, our neighbour's son's funeral was also better. damn!
Venn diagram of 'Nainon mein sapna, sapnein mein sajna'. pic.twitter.com/3nBiZ47T
— Avinash Iyer (@IyerAvin) February 11, 2013
Honestly, no strong reason as such. This song had again become popular around the time Ajay Devgn's Himmatwala had released. When I heard it, it all of a sudden struck me that it can be represented in the form of a Venn diagram and that's how this tweet happened.
Beti Bachao Beti Padhao
Beti Ko Joke Sunao Beti LMAO
— Avinash Iyer (@IyerAvin) June 29, 2015
This slogan was everywhere as part of Modi government's thrust on well-being of the girl child. A random thought occurred to me of adding a second (fun) line to the slogan. Almost all of us use LMAO and it perfectly rhymed with the original line.
Haldiram's: get the slip from there.
Haldiram's: make the payment there.
Haldiram's: get your order there
Me: apron dede
— Pranav (@pranavsapra) May 21, 2015
Around Diwali, Haldiram's behaves like a government department. I think, the only thing they do is take the money from you at the cash counter and make you wait with a slip that you can't eat. This tweet was my outrage when hungry.
I learnt optimism from my mom.
Mom: how was your exam?
Mom: Bohot Bekaar Ke thoda Bekaar?
— Pranav (@pranavsapra) May 22, 2015
I was always an average student, who couldn't really memorize things well. If I'd understand it, there's a high chance I'd remember it. My mom would sit me down and make me memorize history because you can't really understand this pathetic subject. Since she was involved in my studies, she took keen interest in knowing how and what I goofed up during the exams, but then say something optimistic to keep my spirits up.
A curious Chihuahua is called as a Kyahuahua.
— not chin2 (@PunsNProses) March 5, 2014
Who r u n why did u dm me
She- What's ur name
S- Hey.. you der?
He- Baba Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan
— Godman Chikna (@Madan_Chikna) December 23, 2014
When WhatsApp was new and Guy was having qwerty keypad phone, girl asks him his name for the first time.. Guy don't want his girl to get disappointed so he tries to type his full name. The name so big and the Girl has no chill.
Katrina in that Bang Bang song reminded me of Marvan Atapattu trying to make sense of life while Jayasuriya went apeshit in the vicinity
— ABVan (@ABVan) September 29, 2014
You can try critical thinking & rational analysis, but I highly recommend sweeping generalizations and prejudice. Effective and time saving.
— ABVan (@ABVan) June 25, 2015
most of my tweets are written when I am dead drunk, angry saliva dripping from mouth, lying on the floor half naked. Only a very few tweets of mine are non-alcohol related.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: In your chair, but asking better questions
— The-Lying-Lama (@KyaUkhaadLega) September 28, 2014
I'm sure everyone has been asked this dumb question numerous times, be it at college selection or for a job. So wanted to write something which an interviewee would want to reply but cant for obvious reasons...
Being an engineer, I fully support AAP's strategy of contesting 432 seats. Taiyyari ho na ho, questions saare attempt karne chahiye.
— Swamy (@slimswamy) May 27, 2014
In wrestling, a "cheap pop" is a technique used by a wrestler wherein they use the city name to encite a positive response from the audience. It's a dumbed down statement to get a reaction from the masses. Kejriwal/RaGa jokes are the cheap pops of Twitter. I was returning to Twitter after a break of one year. Needed some followers quickly. Please don't judge me.
whenever i look at women under 30 in a saree, i get exhausted just thinking of the number of selfies they must have taken that day
— Crapo (@Creepowoman) November 24, 2015
My mom and I were getting ready for some function. She decided to help me wear my saree first to get me out of her way (I am horrible to be around). After she was done with me, she cooked food for dad, enough for 30 days because we were going for a month long trip the next day and dad was going to be home alone, took a picture of the food and uploaded it on facebook, waited for a reaction from the internet, then packed our suitcases, and finally wore her saree. She came to my room to say she's ready to leave, and I was still standing in the same place she had left me-- taking mirror selfies and regular selfies from every angle.
me- so lol friendzoning is like rsvp-ing "maybe" to a facebook event invitation
uber driver- pls ask my salary like everybody else
— Crapo (@Creepowoman) September 24, 2015
almost every guy, indian or otherwise, whines about being "friendzoned"(which pretty much means being a friend to a non-male person), so i had to make a joke about that. and every other person on twitter seems to be super interested in wanting to "make sense" or rationalize why an uber driver is an uber driver, and whether the driver has an amusing life story behind his choice to become one, or if the driver got super rich after. because never can a job just be a job, right?
So i clubbed the two and made it look like this time, the passenger is sharing, and the driver is too anxious to be interested in what the passenger has to say, because he had rehearsed his (very personal) salary story and wanted to get it over with.
I iron my cloths on bed, this is closest I have ever been to concept "Bistar garam karna".
— angel maithun (@Being_Humor) April 20, 2014
One fine morning while i was ironing some cloth on my bed, a close friend and colleague texted me saying, "I stayed at my gf's place last night so wont be able to pick you up for office". Being an eternally single guy, this got me irritated and i replied back saying "main to bister garam karne k naam pe bas bed pe iron hi chala paya hun aaj tak". He had a good hard laugh and this gave me a new tweet.
An Indian wedding reception must be the happiest day of vanilla ice cream's life.
— §μpaar (@supaarwoman) July 30, 2013
Vanilla ice cream is the #foreveralone flavour of ice cream, except during Indian weddings where it's the only flavour that is served at the buffet. I just thought about how happy vanilla ice cream feels that day, getting all that attention.
Mom:Beta khaana khao
Mom:Sawan mei lag gayi aag ki dil mera
Mom *Puts food in his mouth*
— Pakchikpak Raja Babu (@HaramiParindey) September 11, 2014
I was attending a wedding function where this song was being played on the DJ and my aunt was sitting with me trying to feed her son, "Beta karo aaaa". Just combined the two scenarios :D
Arijit Singh's songs are so romantic that you miss your lover even if you never had a lover.
— Pakchikpak Raja Babu (@HaramiParindey) April 6, 2015
I was listening to Arijit Singh's Muskurane ki wajah tum ho and singing it too with them feels, dad was looking at me and then he said, "Abhi to teri girlfriend nahi hai tab bhi itni feeling se ga raha hai" and voilà I got the idea for the tweet.
Saw two guys communicating in sign language. Before I could start feeling sorry for them, they spit the Gutkha and started talking.
— GRV (@MildlyClassic) December 24, 2012
Although this tweet is a story in itself, I would still try to tell you the story behind it.
It was a weekend and I was at a boring family gathering when I decided to go out for a quick smoke. So I told everyone that I had to make an important call and ventured out. While I was walking trying to find a cigarette shop which is far enough from the host's house and close enough for me to not have to walk too much, I saw two people making big gestures at each other. It was like they were arguing about something but not really talking. It was getting dark so I could not really see their faces but my first thought was that may be these are two guys who cannot speak or hear and are communicating in sign language. It wasn't funny at all until I heard a 'Picchhhhh' sound and then a man's voice. I turned towards them and I heard (and saw) another 'Picchhhhh' and the other guy also started talking. They were not disabled. Their mouths were just full of Gutkha juice.
Never say "give me five" to a snake. Woh tumhe dus dega.
— Mihir (@mihirmodi) September 25, 2011
I was really high
DON'T BURST CRACKERS, FEED THE POOR INSTEAD *shoves every firecracker into a beggar's mouth* *beggar explodes in the sky* TAKE THAT POVERTY
— Siddhartha (@steppennwolf) November 12, 2012
This one is a little old but has a fun story. Shortly after my death from a prolonged illness, 'weird twitter' was becoming a thing and it spawned many great accounts. I wrote this one to be one of them and realized although the infinite anguish and burden of my existence had come to an end, my penchant for biblical verses on erections had not.
*Valentines day in Pakistan*
Girl: Say those 3 magical words.
Boy: Kya boli?
Girl: Arre wo 3 shabd bolo angrezi mei
Boy: Boys Played Well
— Ojas. (@Ojasism) February 13, 2015
It was posted on 14th February 2015. Remember the day? The best Valentine's Day ever! India vs Pakistan world cup game. Twitter TL was full of life even in the midnight due to the excitement of Ind-Pak battle. It was posted in the midnight & it took 3-4 days to calm down my interaction tab. Good thing about this tweet is even Pakistani Twitter took the joke sportingly.
"We asked women to wash one half of their face with soap, and the other half with Dove. The women obviously asked us to fuck off."
— Abhishek Madan (@abhishekmadan) June 30, 2013
I was using my roommate's bathroom to take a dump. My roommate was very particular, he had one bar of soap for washing hands and another for taking a bath. He had (repeatedly) told me how to identify one from the other. But after I was done, I couldn't tell which one was which, so I just used whatever I fancied.
So, when I saw the Dove ad I thought "I couldn't bother to tell between hagge and nahane ka sabun for a friend, why would anyone bother to do all this for a brand?"
One day, Worcestershire, Lancashire and Yorkshire were drinking tea. Suddenly, Surrey burst into the room and sang "Mein shire to nahi..."
— Abhishek Madan (@abhishekmadan) December 11, 2012
This one time I got really high... that's it I guess.
bae: come over
me: I'm busy
bae: my parents aren't home
*I go over*
There is no bae. There was never a bae.
DIRECTED BY M NIGHT SHYAMALAN
— k (@krazyfrog) July 17, 2015
This joke is a combination of two formats, the newer and better known 'bae come over', and the older and more of a #only90skidswillget 'plot twist/directed by M. Night Shyamalan' format, currently only used in reddit comments by internet users in their 30s, who occasionally have to look up words like 'woke' and 'fleek' on Urban Dictionary to stay relevant. That's pretty much it. I didn't think much of it when I tweeted it so naturally everyone loved it and it got like a thousand retweets.
"Sir what have you done for the world?"
"I seed all my torrents."
*women start crying*
*old man stands up and claps*
— k (@krazyfrog) May 5, 2014
Another example of a tweet that I didn't think of much while tweeting but somehow clicked with people. In fact, I pretty much hate this tweet and still I get told how funny it is. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU SEE IN IT, PEOPLE? WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS SHIT?!
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan in Jazbaa shows everyone what it's like for people in Mumbai when we see an empty rickshaw.. pic.twitter.com/qdnFMQEz9I
— José Covaco (@HoeZaay) August 26, 2015
So I'm always struggling to get a rickshaw and when the trailer of that film released thought oh shit it looks like shes trying to catch a rick
Parents shouldn't choose their kid's career, but then I see the crowd at roadies audition and feel they're right.
— #Kamblitard (@sambha_bhilane) September 30, 2014
Watching roadies please don't disturb me brother
Leave as many Mohammad Irfan deliveries as possible and he'll be happy because giraffes love leaves.
— Pushkar (@Pushkarr) February 15, 2015
This pun occurred to me while watching the India-Pakistan cricket match in the 2015 World Cup. Saw one of the Indian batsmen leave a delivery bowled by the phenomenally tall Mohd. Irfan and couldn't resist myself from tweeting this pun.
You're not a really a God unless Anuradha Poudwal has sung a bhajan for you.
— Pushkar (@Pushkarr) September 13, 2013
I heard an Anuradha Poudwal bhajan being played loudly at one of the temples while on my way back from office. Even at the gym, I heard someone listening to her bhajan while working out. Composed this tweet as a dedication to the bhajan queen after reminiscing that during the 90s, Anuradha Poudwal bhajan cassettes used to be stocked up in shops outside temples. And each cassette used to be for a different God.
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