23/03/2016 7:57 PM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:26 AM IST

Three (Very Valid) Reasons To Dread Holi

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Bura na maano, but my feelings towards Holi are similar to Shobha De's for vada pav. Had it not been for Ranbir Kapoor being a doll in Balam Pickhari, Holi would comprise very solemn memories of me trying to scrub purple colour from the back of my ears, gap between fingers and armpits with a desi loofah - basically a prickly, dry sponge gourd. Just to give you an idea, it feels slightly like rubbing a coir mat on your cheeks. Eeeks, right? Right.

However, with little help from aforementioned Kapoor and more recently Ranveer Singh, Holi has redeemed itself in my life, but not entirely. Here's a list of things that can drive anyone nuts if you don't have quality bhaang at hand to drown yourself in.

1. 'Holi Khelein Raghuveera' on radio. On loop. A never-ending, nightmarish loop.

Let's clear this once and for all. 'Holi Khelein Raghuveera' is not a song. It's a headache. It's like a waking up with to a hangover and workers drilling a tubewell outside your window. It's like KRK's Twitter timeline. Listening to it is like waiting for Arvind Kejriwal to stop coughing. Yet radio channels will play it throughout the Holi week, like they are Basanti and the song is their izzat-saving Dhanno.


2. MOST Facebook stalking unfriendly week ever.

So, the ex-colleague, you are told, has been seen with this guy. And since it is important to check out new human beings frequently to make sure Darwin was not wrong about evolution and that jazz, you log on to Facebook to find him. Oh, what do you see? A human rangoli in the display picture. Now you have to wait for at least a week - depending how Facebook-friendly the said man is - to completely understand and comment on your friend's aesthetics. Sheer torture!


3. Earns you loads of bad karma

You're not a bad person, you don't deserve to earn bad karma. But then that child, keeping with glorious Holi traditions, just chucked a water balloon at you. Even if for a fleeting moment, you felt the same way about him/her the way you usually do about the auto-wallahs who have turned you down. In the book of karma, that earns you more minus points than watching Rohit Shetty films.


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