16/09/2015 11:15 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:25 AM IST

7 Other Mysteries, If They Were Tackled By Kanti Shah


Let's not mince words. Kanti Shah is a legend. One of the few remaining proponents of the 'so bad it's actually good' genre of filmmaking in the country, Shah is no stranger to courting controversies. Having unwittingly gained a cult-like status amongst cinephiles in the late '90s for films like Gunda (1998) and Loha (1997), the director has made several subtly-named modern classics since.

Now the MMS Kaand director has directed his gaze at the Sheena Bora murder case. Accordingly, he's making a film called Sheena Murder Case. Because of course he is.

The fact that the case is still under investigation and full facts have not been released to the general public is of no consequence to the Garam (2005) director. Although this wouldn't be the first time that the Jungle ki Sherni (2001) auteur gets to try his hand at a murder mystery. Several C-grade murder-mysteries where the murderer was usually a molester-demon are a testament to that.

But somehow, we can't help but wonder how the sleazemeister would've handled other great(er) mysteries of our time. Like what would his stance be on...

1. The Roswell Incident and Area 51

Synopsis: Tina and Raju are star-crossed lovers. Naturally, their plan is to encounter aliens in Area 51 on a long drive from Satara to Pune. On the way, they meet hitchhiker and NASA scientist, Dr. Chandrashekhar, who tells them that Area 51 is a decoy location and Area 52 is where the party's at. They soon discover there's an actual (pool) party in Area 52 (which is definitely not a farmhouse in Matheran). Their fun meets an abrupt end when they find out that the party is being thrown by Raavan from Ramayana. The one with the ten heads. As if there are other Raavans.

2. The Mystery Of Gravity

Synopsis: Is gravity a weak fundamental force or a massless by-product of the curvature of spacetime? This is exactly what particle physicist Dr. Ratna Giri hopes to find out with her lab assistant and lover, Tony. In the midst of a passionate brainstorming session, an epiphany hits the doctor. She ends up in a coma as a result. Tony takes advantage of the situation by passing off all her research as his own and cheating on her with the maid. In her coma, Ratna learns the secret of gravity and learns how to command the mystical 'gravitron', a hitherto hypothetical particle. She uses her powers to push Susheela from the second floor balcony so that Tony learns a valuable lesson in intellectual property rights.

3. Alternate Universes

Synopsis: One of the most fascinating aspects of quantum physics is the idea that our universe may not be the only one. There might be other dimensions within our own and immortal cockroaches with tantric abilities may inhabit them. Virgins Pyaarelaal and Radha soon find this out the hard way on their weekly haveli-hopping trips. The infestation of these creatures wreaks havoc on several middle-aged lovers sitting next to each other on park benches in locked embraces. Conventional weapons have no effect on these paradimensional vermin. Thankfully, they're afraid of religious symbols and soon go back into the dimension they crawled out of. This was bad news for the other innocent supernatural cockroaches who were just here to find a better living for their children. We later find out that their dimension is almost entirely lava.

4. The Cure for Lupus

Synopsis: Incurable inflammatory diseases usually get a bad rep. While its complications pale in comparison to heavyweight incurable diseases like cancer or AIDS, Lupus is also the least researched and the best sounding. This film explores the allure of Lupus as it seduces 9 out of 10 women in a birthday party hosted by business magnate Teekuji in his two bedroom farmhouse in Matheran. As the women slowly disappear one by one (after having bathed in a waterfall), Pammi realises that something is off and not just because of her non-prescription coloured contact lenses

5. Dr. Homi Bhabha's mysterious death

Synopsis: There are more than several conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Dr. Homi Bhabha, the father of atomic research in India. While some point fingers towards the CIA, which sought to cripple India's nuclear program back in '66, others say that something far more sinister was at play. Others being local cable journalist Paro Mehra and her muscular cameraman, Sonu. While investigating the death of India's nuclear pioneer near Ooty, the duo stumble upon an ancient incantation that turns everyone into a bear-monkey hybrid. Will this be the end of humanity as we know it? Or will religious symbols again save the day in a predictable fashion? Guess we'll never know. Mostly because the film's production had to be stopped because the producer had an arrest warrant issued against him.

6. The Netaji files

Synopsis: The government may have released those files, but what they don't say clearly about Subhash Chandra Bose's allegedly faked death in 1945 is that there were definitely vampires involved. 100 percent. Why else would classical dancer Champa Rani and her hippie friend Johnny come running into a hospital in the middle of the night? Not the blood bank, that's for sure! But unbeknownst to them, Pintu, the ward boy, is a personal informant of Rakesh, a 750-year-old vampire (called 'zehreela adamkhor' for the rest of the film). After two consecutive shower scenes, Champa Rani realizes that she can't see Johnny in the mirror. But that's only because she was staring at a window.

7. The Vyapam Scam

Synopsis: [Three days into the release of this movie, the synopsis mysteriously disappeared. We're sure it's perfectly safe.]

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