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Internet Excavation Exposes How A Comedian Destroyed A Nation

04/06/2016 8:14 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:27 AM IST
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As an internet historian whose job is to dig into the muck of ad-choked websites from the Age of Outrage (circa 2000-2050 Before Sense), I get to read a lot of strange stuff online, and some of it does leave deep gashes in my brain.

But that's an occupational hazard I'm willing to risk, because most stories starring our melodramatic ancestors (the Outrage Humans) are endlessly entertaining!

Only a week back, the historian internet was broken by the unveiling of the Padashian Butt, an ancient silicone relic that was greatly revered by the Outrage Humans.

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The Padashian Butt (2014 BS)

Today, I'm going to put that discovery to shame, by narrating, for the first time ever, the story of Pelpur -- an incredibly absurd country that once existed in the subcontinent of Jhandghamand.

***

On 29 May, 2016 BS, a comedian in Pelpur cracked a joke, and became the subject of national news.

We don't know much about the comedian, since most records of his life and work have been removed/banned. However, in an article calling him crass, it is helpfully suggested that he was "fat, morose, lazy, and possibly the ugliest person on the planet." Several thousand reactions found in the Comments Sections (dark, rotting pits of the internet that have now been closed), confirm the part about the comedian's fatness.

This comedian made a video poking fun at two famous Pelpuris. Like all Before Sense humans, Pelpuris were fiercely passionate about their hobby of worshipping...

So, this comedian made a video poking fun at two famous Pelpuris. Like all Before Sense humans, Pelpuris were fiercely passionate about their hobby of worshipping; and since the video mocked two people who were highly worshipped, the whole country burst into outrage.

As was the norm in those times, a large meeting called #Shame was then organized in a dungeon called Twatter. Prominently unemployed people from all walks of life attended the event, to make their point in 140 seconds, and try and resolve the issue.

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A banner from the #Shame revolution (2016 BS)

"How... how dare the fat bastard insult the appearance of our national legends?" began an indignant citizen wearing an egg-shaped mask.

"Disgusting!" raged his friend.

"Disturbing :(," wept a second.

"Discotheque?" wondered another.

"DISLOYAL!" screamed a fourth.

As was the norm, a large meeting called #Shame was organized in a dungeon called Twatter. Prominently unemployed people from all walks of life attended...

As the dissing grew louder and louder, persons from Bawlwood (the entertainment mafia of Pelpur) jumped into the ruckus.

"Shocked! Stunned! In a coma!" they cried, "This video insults Pelpur, Pelpuri icons, Pelpuri women, Pelpuri language, Pelpuri old age! For #Shame!"

Mr. Freedom, who was moderating the session, chuckled in delight. He liked nothing better than watching people speak their minds without fear, particularly when they were being stupid or offensive.

But the sound of his laughter gravely hurt Mr. Kambakk Hilani, renowned anti-fun activist and Chief Bawler of Bawlwood. He thundered, "Is this how we should react to a matter as serious as a bad joke? The comedian ought to be arrested right now!"

His words galvanized many into action. The MMS, a political party about whom it is safest to not say anything (even after all these years), promptly filed an FIR against the comedian; another group began burning his effigies (aptly titling their campaign #ComedianRoasted), and yet another announced, with great fanfare, their vision to cut off the comedian's tongue. Moaning in pleasure at the thought of violence, different outfits now began to describe their plans to dismember different parts of the comedian's body.

"Mr. Kambakk Hilani, renowned anti-fun activist and Chief Bawler of Bawlwood thundered, "The comedian ought to be arrested right now!"

Watching people from Bawlwood and MMS take the moral high ground, Miss Irony, forever a wicked observer of truth, could control herself no longer. She fell onto the floor, laughing hysterically, unstoppably, squealing, "OMG dying" every five minutes, until ultimately, she fell silent. They say it was a slow death.

Meanwhile, the gentle Mr. Freedom was aghast at the turn of events. He pleaded with everyone to stop, but eager for justice, the politicians strangled him to death and marched on.

At this point, Mr. Roadie, the then President of Pelpur, decided to take action (for the elections were round the corner, and he knew well the ill-effects of not preventing violence when it could've been prevented).

"Mitron," the President began, "I hereby declare 'Put Some Respek On My Name' as the National Sentiment of our country..."

"Mitron," he began, "Inspired by a rank meme, I hereby declare 'Put Some Respek On My Name' as the National Sentiment of our country, offending which will be a non-stop beatable offense. I am also launching a campaign by the same name, under which an exclusive list of 1.25 billion people, as well as certain select animals, will be given customized Respek badges. This will help the evil elements in the society (that is, the creative people) know who they should not be making fun of. For now, mitron, like you've forgiven the many crimes of many more important people (hehe), kindly forgive him as well. Bolo Pelpur Pita Ki Jai!"

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The first Respek badge of Pelpur, which was given to Mr. Dher, nine-time winner of the Best Twatter Comic Award.

The crowd launched into celebrations. What a wonderful solution, they thought! Cheers of joy and farts of relief filled the air.

However, their happiness was short-lived.

As Pelpur grew busier and busier beating comedians, gangraped women, dying soldiers and drought-hit farmers grew offended at the lack of shits given to them.

As Pelpur grew busier and busier beating comedians, gangraped women, dying soldiers and drought-hit farmers across the country grew offended at the lack of shits given to them. Unfortunately, Pelpur had no efficient, outrage-backed mechanisms to deal with offenses not caused by comedians. And one fine day, the women, the farmers and the soldiers all committed mass-suicide, leaving behind a touching suicide note:

We are dead,

either for this country,

or because of its problems,

o shitheads,

so why don't y'all,

talk about us,

instead?

Hurt to the core by the use of a swear word (#Shame), the rest of the country embarked on a hunger strike (which was very convenient as well, since there was no food anyway), and perished soon after.

Today, all that remains of Pelpur are its national icons -- that is, those small, customized meme-badges that ask you to put some RESPEK on their name.

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