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Guys, Must You Really Squeeze Into Skinny Jeans?

24/08/2016 12:36 PM IST | Updated 01/09/2016 8:47 AM IST
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"Jeans represent democracy in fashion." -- Giorgio Armani

I'd have to be crazy not to agree with the great man. From baggy flares to flashy boot-cuts and I-can-see-your-coin-slot ones to ripped pairs that cost more than regular ones -- the world of jeans has embraced a lot of styles. However what Armani may have conveniently forgotten is that sometimes democracy leads us to make choices that are sometimes very... let's say, questionable.

Some may call it evolution, but seeing some of these trends, I can only call it a severe case of "What the heck were they thinking?" And to make things a lot more interesting, I recently learnt that Google is collaborating with Levi's to create a new denim fabric. If Project Jacquard goes as planned, you'll soon be able to run your hands over your jeans to control your phone. While they're sort of breathing new life into the term "butt-dial", somehow I can't stop picturing people rubbing their jeans in public while saying, "I was just trying to change the music track."

I've seen far too many adult males try to strut their stuff in these almost-second-skin jeans. Rarely have I been struck by admiration.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that my fashion sense is not really top-notch. In fact, if anything, it has become progressively "less interesting" as the years have gone by. I'm a 30-something, rotund (OK, fat) adult male who somehow managed to snag a woman who was definitely out of his league and now resides happily with her and their four-year-old son. That's not to say that all married and settled men don't have good fashion sense. I'm just talking about me.

My fashion sense is now limited to having decent clothes that cover parts that need to be covered along with any "jiggly" bits. Of course, if I were to continue consuming cakes as frequently as I do presently, I may soon need to settle for one of those long, flowing robes that the Arabs so fondly wear.

As I said, my sense of fashion isn't what you'd call trendsetting. But somewhere along the line, I seem to have missed the notice that a lot of other men seemed to have received. The notice that seems to have them convinced that skinny (or super-skinny, shudder) jeans are perfect for them. Yes, the more tapered and narrowed version of the previously known "slim-fit" jeans. In fact, you could probably fit two pairs of skinny and four pairs of super-skinny jeans inside a single pair of slim-fit ones.

Now, there are some men who are so skinny and lean that they can actually slip into the above mentioned type of jeans. However, the majority of us do not fall under that category. And even if they are thin enough, less than 5% of the male population can actually pull that look off.

All the suffocation down there may just help control the population. Also, it takes forever (and perhaps an army) to even take these jeans off.

Over the past couple of years, I've seen far too many adult males try to strut their stuff in these almost-second-skin jeans. Rarely have I been struck by admiration. We just have far too many dangly bits to pull this look off. You need to have a certain type of body and an almost stick-figurine-type leg structure to get away with it. Needless to say, skinny jeans are not really something you'll ever catch me wearing. Additionally, I would rather wear something that will let me both sit and stand comfortably, without the fear that I might be arrested for indecent exposure.

There is a very fine (and thin, ironically) line that separates a fine-fitting pair of jeans and a product that could be confused with Lycra . If you still don't believe me, Google "men's jeggings" if you dare. And remember, you cannot un-see those images! It should suffice to say that there are pictures of men in skinny jeans and leggings that cross that above-mentioned line. And some more. Perhaps even showing things that should only be visible in the comfort of one's own home.

There are some experts that say that skinny jeans may cause infertility in men because of the... well...rather cramped space down (or is that up?) there. On a positive note, all the suffocation down there may just help control the population. Also, it takes forever (and perhaps an army) to even take these jeans off.

Unless you've got skinny genes, best to avoid skinny jeans.

Of course, some of you blessed folks who can get into these super-skinny jeans are going to say that I'm just jealous, given my Kung-Fu Panda-esque shape. For the rest of us "shapely" people, if you want to experience how it really feels to try to get into a pair of super-skinny jeans, it's simple. Just wash your smallest and snuggest pair of jeans at least three times back-to-back, and then try to slip into them while they're still wet. Good luck getting them past your thighs.

So unless you've got skinny genes, best to avoid skinny jeans.

A version of this post has previously appeared on the author's blog I Wrote Those.

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