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Dawn Of The Planet Of The Cows

A special ministry for cows is a good start.

05/09/2017 8:59 AM IST | Updated 05/09/2017 8:59 AM IST
Himanshu Sharma / Reuters

One thing I am fascinated by is how the present government always gets its priorities right.

I was reading the newspaper the other day and it carried articles on several issues India is grappling with, such as lack of jobs, attacks on women, sanitation, and overpopulation. But I realised there is no need to worry because the government has made it abundantly clear how serious it is about solving the problems that are plaguing the country. After all, Amit Shah recently announced that the BJP is actually thinking of forming a ministry for cows. When I shared this news with a friend, he had a look of horror on his face and with a sense of utter disappointment in his voice, he said, "Ugh, who reads newspapers these days? Get a life."

Cows risk their lives by ingesting polythene bags strewn at every nook and corner, so that PM Modi can proudly declare the Swachh Bharat Mission to be a thumping success.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of people started outraging when this news broke out. Some were of the opinion that before going ahead with a ministry for cows, the government should have focused on creating a safer atmosphere for women in the country. And to those who dared to question the mastermind strategies of this government, I want to say that the BJP is so concerned about the safety of women that Amit Shah allegedly personally snoops on them and tracks their whereabouts.

Sources claim that Yogi Adityanath—who is the answer to "what if a saffron Snapchat filter came to life?"—had been the first to demand a ministry for cow protection during a meeting with the Prime Minister in 2014. I can totally imagine what that meeting would have been like.

Adityanath: There should be a ministry for cows.

Modi: I always knew you were chief minister material. Give me a hug already.

But seriously, cows have done so much for us that I see no reason why there should not be a dedicated ministry for cow welfare. Remember how cows sit in the middle of road and save you from accidents by ensuring that you don't travel above the dizzying speed of 1km per decade?

What gets me most excited is that if there is a cow ministry, who will head it?...My vote goes to Pahlaj Nihalani. He is as sanskari as they come.

When Narendra Modi came to power in 2014, he promised "minimum government, maximum governance" and a ministry for cows totally lives up to the promise of minimum government. It will be a jewel in the crown of this government, just like demonetisation and Smriti Irani. Cows risk their lives by ingesting polythene bags strewn at every nook and corner, so that PM Modi can proudly declare the Swachh Bharat Mission to be a thumping success. It is only fair that he returns the favour by forming a ministry for them.

A lot of critics and naysayers will come up with boring stuff like facts and logic to debate that the government does not really care about cows and a cow ministry is just a sham to consolidate the Hindu vote bank, but I am sure the BJP won't back away and will continue in its pursuit of ensuring that cows get maximum respect in this country and one day replace Mahatma Gandhi on Indian currency.

Amidst all this what gets me most excited is that if there is a cow ministry, who will head it? I believe the BJP might have a problem of plenty because almost all its ministers would consider it their privilege to be chosen for the esteemed job. It is the reason all of them joined politics to begin with.

However, my vote goes to Pahlaj Nihalani. He is as sanskari as they come. The only problem is his habits from his censor board days might kick in, resulting in a ban on the process of a man touching a cow's teats to extract milk. That way, he will ensure that under Modi's regime a cow is milked only for politics.

I feel other animals must be so frustrated with the cow always hogging the limelight. Going by the current situation, the day isn't far away when Animal Planet will be taken over by cows. I can't wait for the moment when the rest of the animals get fed up and form a union to revolt in Animal Farm style. I will be reading about it in a newspaper, hiding it from my friend.

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