WARNING: Reader discretion is advised for the satirically challenged.
As a political analyst who has spent his entire life across Continental Europe and the former colonies of the Commonwealth, and keeps one foot in each of these two worlds, it is truly fascinating to see how the UK, on the eve of the EU Referendum is perceived by its "friends and family", so to speak.
Many of my European peers have always found Britain's half-hearted approach to the EU profoundly underwhelming, combined with the country always demanding special privileges and exemptions, acting as a Trojan horse for outside influences -- and that's when it's NOT actively trying to undermine things in Brussels with its carefully selected clownish MEPs and incompetent commissioners.
On the other hand, those of my peers from the colonies, be they those of the Antipodes, the exotic Orient, West Indies or the subtly named Dark Continent, have spent most of their lives dreaming of a day when their beloved "mother country" implodes economically, socially, and politically. Just as they got to enjoy in the colonies during those pleasant few centuries under the Crown.
So today, Perfidious Albion, make the dreams of half the world come true, and vote for Brexit. There are billions out there, cheering you on! Their hopes depend on you! Don't be that guy, who drops the White Man's Burden just when the summit is in sight!
With any luck, you'll even get the greatest post-colonial gift of all -- SURPRISE PARTITION, as Scotland leaves you behind to stay in the EU. After all, it worked so well for Ireland, India, Palestine, and Cyprus! Come on, all the cool kids are doing it. You don't want to be a square, do you?
And although you may not ever regain your Empire or relevance, I can assure you, the sun will never set upon your most enduring legacy of all -- Schadenfreude, the gift that keeps on giving.
To quote Mr Brexit and your future Prime Minister himself, Bertie Wooster... I mean, Boris Johnson, you have the chance now to produce such paroxysms of joy on the sofas of those watching the results around the world, that you will probably not only inspire a generation, but help create one as well!
Or, to borrow from the political jargon of the one colony that got away, #MakeEnglandShiteAgain.