It is almost that time of year again. Sweaters will leave their mothballed sanctuaries, children will start counting the days until Diwali, and once night has settled in, our living spaces will be taken over by all-new guests screaming, shouting, wheedling, singing, flirting, ranting, raving. And since they're safely trapped in the TV screen (and somewhere in Lonavala), the more drama they bring with them the better. So without further ado, here is my Bigg Boss wish list for this year.
1. Radhe Maa
My favourite for the prize. She will change the course of soap opera history, reality TV competition and redefine fashion, all in one go. Essential as a symbol for women's empowerment. A stellar example of Indian values. Unlikely to eat beef. Unlikely to ever be voted out except by Tavleen Singh. A special Hindi interview will be organised halfway through the show on Times Now. She will become a special judge on The Stage.
Likely to be booted out first, but will be a great starter for the Bigg Boss controversy of the season between Radhe Maa and Sunny Leone. He must be given Vim, make-up remover and a jhadoo to assist "cultural cleansing" on the show. If he's lucky, Anurradha Prasad will allow him another episode of Aamne Saamne. He will leave the show smelling of lotuses.
Likely to be voted in again and again by popular choice. Will impersonate all the others and keep us interested in the show without random plants in the press to keep the eyeballs coming and the tomatoes at bay. Is more popular than our Culture Minister for sure. Upon release from the show, will start a new show called "Big Baas" in Hindi which will air on an English news channel of course. Huge cross-promotions will ensue. A new fragrance for men will launch.
4. Sunil Grover, better known as "Gutthi"
Nothing like a Hindi-speaking comedian who is coming into his own. With Cyrus in the next bed, they can come up with impromptu "lie down" humour that will make us split our sideburns. Likely to double up as Radhe Maa in TV interviews later on. He will also have a chance to train to speak like Mikhail Bora for Madhur's next film, "Media".
5. Sunny Leone
Needs no explanation. Will be given lines like "mera tera se bada hai" to spew at Radhe Maa. She will steal her sindoor look in the next item number and beat up Radhe Maa on the show when the latter is "caught" trying on Sunny's bra. Will learn a new Hindi word on the show. "Choo-dale".
6. Daler Mehndi
He will sing about Safaigiri on the show every day and remind us about our Swachh Bharat pledge. The Prime Minister will send him a special message on video. We will finally remember the words of the song he composed apart from the words "Tunak Tunak" and "Tarara". Wendell Rodricks will comment on his wardrobe every day on Facebook. He will get a million shares, and not just from Goa. Will be the last man dancing, but not the last man standing.
The show will help him come out of his depression and script a near perfect remake of No One Killed Jessica for the Sheena Bora story. He will finally announce the cast of the film. Kunal Vijayakar as Peter Mukerjea. Gutthi as Mikhail. Kangana as Indrani. Himself as Arnab Goswami. Will need to make it to the finals of the show as a prerequisite.
8. Mikhail Bora
Since the case will be going nowhere and he won't know "whot to do" in Guwahati, he will be brought in as a wild card entrant. He will proceed to give many "exclusives" to every other contestant in stage "wheespers". Likely to be voted out after one episode. Will be replaced by a surprise guest wearing a pillow case on his head. Identity shall remain unrevealed.
The rules will be bent for TOI's most beautiful funny girl. Will be given all the luxuries, including many "Gaddus" built around the set so she doesn't feel bereft and her mommy instincts towards potholes remain intact. Will also be allowed to write her column, hopefully about her experience on the show, with a twinkle in her eye. Most popular on the show after Sunny's hasty exit upon being slapped by Radhe Maa, but she will have to leave so that Radhe Maa may win.
10. Baba Om Ji
Will get slapped every day on the show by the women and repeat the lines "Tu kya maregi" on every episode. Finally women's empowerment issues will be balanced by an abused male on national television. Wardrobe may get confused with Radhe Maa's from time to time, but cross-dressing is ok in our culture, right? Mahesh Sharma khush hua. Show hit hua.