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This Is How Name-Calling CAN Be A Solution For Bharat And Pak

25/09/2016 10:03 AM IST | Updated 30/09/2016 8:33 AM IST
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It's complicated – the relationship between Bharat-Bhushan and Pak Begum. It's been over 67 years since the break-up, yet Begum Pee continues to behave like a jilted ex. Guess, she never forgave Bharat for getting custody of their beti, Kishmish, even though it was she who chose to stay with Pitajee. You can call them the original Brangelina, all jaanu-shaanu when together and throwing bartans and belans at each after going their separate ways.

Bharat Bhushan, goaded by the bloodcurdling cries of netizens, finally decided to retaliate with a stinging counter-attack that's so covert that even his bacchas are not aware of it.

Bharat's ex has made it her life's mission to raise his BP to Himalayan heights by engaging in a bitter custody battle over their love child Kishmish, with each accusing the other of abuse and neglect. Interestingly when they meet they behave as if they'll patch up any minute, going mwah mwah and singing "Aman ki Asha" in dulcet tones. But the moment Bharat turns his back, Pee turns into a demented chudail, constantly orchestrating covert attacks and creating pressure in BB's nose ("naak mein dum"). B Bhushan responds with lots of angry condemnations and running to Uncle Sam to complain. It's the same story every time. Pee continues to attack Bharat and his brood grievously while he's all "kadhi ninda" and no action. These days Begum has become even more daring with the backing of her new boyfriend, Mr Chin. Even Kishmish has also been acting all angsty like a pimply teen and constantly throws tantrums because she wants azadi. Kids, I tell you!

Sadly for Begum, the story seems to have decided enough is enough and is refusing to repeat itself. This unusual occurrence was triggered by yet another behind-the-back, sneaky assault that had Bharat's brood (led by Angry Goswami—his favourite son) and social media warriors baying for her blood. Fierce battles were fought on Twitter and Facebook. Cunning war strategies were formulated on Facebook walls, nuclear submarines were deployed and fighter aircrafts roared out of hangars on Twitter timelines and brutal jokes were made to shame Begum Pee once and for all.

Bharat Bhushan, goaded by the bloodcurdling cries of netizens, finally decided to retaliate with a stinging counter-attack that's so covert that even his bacchas are not aware of it.

Only the writer of this post was cunning enough to sniff it out. She blames her fish-eating Bengali genes. Now before I astonish you with stunning revelations, let me tell you that the seeds of this covert operation were planted a long time back. It started off as shedding our British legacy by getting rid of the silly names they had given our cities that sound good only if you sound like Piers Morgan. So Cawnpore became Kanpur and Jubbulpore became Jabalpur and so on. Somewhere down the line, a wily bunch of netas got the brainwave of renaming almost all our cities. Madras became Chennai, Bombay became Mumbai, Trivandrum became a city than no one can spell. And now people are so confused, they often call Kolkata, Colkutta, which is the sound you make when you're just about to vomit.

Speculation is rife that Jor Bagh will now be called Kamjor Bagh, Greater Kailash will ne Hurr hurr Mahadev and Deer Park will be Gau Udyaan.

Banking upon this growing confusion, Bharat's new caretaker, Kamal, has taken this renaming business to new lows and is giving his dil a makeover by renaming its arteries. First, Aurangzeb became Abdul Kalam, giving both these deceased gentlemen an identity crisis. Last week after the yet another fatal blow by the Begum, Kamal launched a stinging counter-offensive and changed Racecourse Road to Intercourse Road. Oops, sorry! Copulation is against Indian culture but Lok Kalyan is not. So yeah, Racecourse Road is now Lok Kalyan Marg.

Speculation is rife that Jor Bagh will now be called Kamjor Bagh, Greater Kailash will ne Hurr hurr Mahadev and Deer Park will be Gau Udyaan. Dil will also acquire a new name— Jhuggi—because that's what it looks like these days since Kejriwal took over.

Now you'll ask me, what the eff does it have to do countering Begum Pee's terrorizing ways? See, with all this renaming business, if an average resident of Dil can get hopelessly lost in a maze of new sanskari names, how can you expect Pee-sponsored terrorists to reach the correct address given by their bosses in Islamabad? This, compounded by our autowallas who only say yes to a passenger who wears pink on full moon nights, commuters in Metro trains who try their best to suffocate you and Ola drivers who keep cancelling your rides, will drive any terrorist to self-detonate in the nearest dustbin!

If an average resident can get hopelessly lost in a maze of new sanskari names, how can you expect Pee-sponsored terrorists to reach the correct address given by their bosses in Islamabad?

Isn't this the best thing since Gandhiji's Satyagraha for countering unprovoked violence with non-violence? Now if only we can rename Kishmish to Kaju, Pak may not want it anymore. And in a few years, when we have driven all beef eaters, pseudo intellectuals, Barkha Dutt, liberals, jhola-loving JNU students to "god knows where", Bharat can finally become Haahaastan. Nobody will be able to find Bharat on the world map! We will become like Airtel's signal—dhoondte reh jaaoge.

With no Bharat in sight, Pee will start focussing on holistic pursuits, join yoga classes and become an all-new improved woman who believes in world peace and eats only shoots and leaves.

I hereby request UNESCO to declare our war strategy the best in the world.

Also published on the writer's blog.

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