THE BLOG

How To Be A 100% Certified Patriot

13/05/2016 8:24 AM IST | Updated 15/07/2016 8:26 AM IST
NEW! HIGHLIGHT AND SHARE
Highlight text to share via Facebook and Twitter
Visage via Getty Images
Drawing chart and crayons

With the advent of the great leader who can do no wrong but is always wronged, India's timeline can now be divided into the BAD (before acchhe din) and SAD (super acchhe din) eras. During BAD days, being a patriot was like being a blogger. Anybody could be one as long as you were Indian. It helped if you swore by Bollywood, supported the Indian cricket team by heckling Pakistani cricketers on the field, looked for Indian restaurants (usually called Taj Mahal) when on a foreign trip and didn't complain when you ended up with diarrhoea the next day. Since we were governed by a corrupt dynasty, it was perfectly okay to fret about the country's future, which seemed to be wandering aimlessly like a cow in the city. We'd often critique the lawmakers who'd break laws with impunity and crack a few jokes at their expense even if it meant going to jail.

India's timeline can now be divided into the BAD (before acchhe din) and SAD (super acchhe din) eras.

Despite all misgivings, candle marches and angry Facebook posts against all that we felt was wrong with our country, we could take her love for granted. It was a "tedha hai par mera hai" kind of love.

Not anymore. Now that our great leader has banished all evil with a flick of his finger and even taken selfies while doing it, we are living in the SAD days. This is the golden era where everyone's tolerant towards each other and their beliefs, debate is actively encouraged and we can express what we feel without getting lynched by trolls online. Yet, there's a section of ungrateful citizens who think otherwise. They create controversies by finding faults in our faultless leaders, return awards that nobody's heard of and write scathing articles questioning our elected leaders to spread dissent.

This cannot be tolerated, especially by proud Indians.

So, they have decided to take matters into their own capable hands and made patriotism the new Maggi. Like Maggi, patriotism has to pass stringent quality tests, but can still be declared suspect at the slightest slight to Mata B. The message (or MSG) is clear, Mata's affection cannot be taken for granted. It now comes with terms and conditions. We have to prove our love again and again to not one but a rising number of hyper-nationalists who are crawling out like termites from woodwork.

Patriotism [is] the new Maggi... it has to pass stringent quality tests, but can still be declared suspect at the slightest slight to Mata B.

Mata is now behaving like a bombshell who demands unquestioning devotion while you place her on the pedestal and worship her. Like any complete package, if you adore her, it is your duty to pay obeisance to her Daddies in saffron, as well as her many pets who spend an awful lot of time barking. If you dare to have reservations about her many Daddies, you are obviously a moronic Hinduphobe traitor.

Beam them to Pakistan, Scottie! Or is it Satyaveer now?

When it comes to expressing their heartfelt emotions, Mata enthusiasts are constantly breaking new ground. After all, how can the nation accept you if are not shouting from the rooftops, mouthing over-the-top declarations that border on jingoism, thumping your chest wildly and refusing to accept any point of view but yours? There can be no room for moderation. You can either be her 'righteous' defender, else you are an anti-national. It's either BMKJ (Bharat Mata Ki Jai) or Off With Your Head. Ouch!

What's more, you may be an anti-national and not even be aware of it. To add to your woes, there's no compilation of anti-national activities in one helpful list that dutiful citizens can consult from time to time. The list keeps growing like Modiji's travel itinerary, and any proud Indian is free to add their favourite activity to it. One day the list just had secular, free-thinking, pseudo-intellectuals and the next day there were also Dalit students, Left intellectuals, human rights activists. Before you can say "Hey Ram", there are beef eaters, anti-nuclear activists, non-haters of Pakistan there too. Phew! Why, just the other day doctors prescribing non-Ayurvedic medicine were declared anti-nationals by AYUSH minister Shripad Yesso Naik!

Eating cornflakes and noodles is anti-national until it is from Patanjali, a 100% patriotic business empire.

Interestingly, these missives come with riders. Eating cornflakes and noodles is anti-national until it is from Patanjali, a 100% patriotic business empire. Having sex is against our culture but not if you're following Sakshi Maharaj's directive and copulating for the purpose for reproducing a minimum of four Hindu babies. If the baby threatens to be a girl, Baba Ramdev's herbs will make a penis grow magically. If the baby boy shows unhealthy interest in other baby boys, Baba Ramdev's asanas will tie him up in knots until he begs for forgiveness. Your bank will strip you of all your belongings and send goons to your house if you fail to repay your modest loans on time. But you are allowed to strip the bank of all its funds with humongous loans if you have the right connections. Appropriating public funds for personal gain is an acceptable patriotic activity as long as the high priests of Mata B turn a blind eye.

Even as I am writing this blasphemous article, three more activities have just been added to the aforementioned list and you are not even aware of it. Distressing isn't it, trying so hard to be a true patriot and failing again and again? It's just like sitting for CA exams! Don't we all want to be part of the PELT (Patriotic Elite) club, who are allowed to issue diktats but follow none of them?

If you cut gobar cake on your birthday, you will get a bonus of 1500 points.

The government understands it is difficult to keep yourself constantly updated to be a 100% certified patriot and has decided to address your concerns by introducing the BMJK app. Once you install this helpful app, you will keep getting notifications for every new anti-national activity. The app also has a reward feature. Swabbing your floor with gomutra, supporting Anupam Kher in whatever and whoever he's protesting against, abusing paid media online, beating up traitors as you scream BMKJ will earn you 500 reward points each. If you cut gobar cake on your birthday, you will get a bonus of 1500 points. If your cow has participated in a bovine beauty pageant, you will get direct entry into the PELT club. As you earn more reward points, you'll start noticing subtle changes in your countenance. Your heart will start feeling heavier with nationalistic pride and righteousness. Your shoulders might start to stoop a little because you're now bearing the burden of being the sole protector of your Mata's pride. You might find yourself drawn to Patiala House by some invisible force.

You will know you have turned into a true patriot once you start deciding what's best for others and begin dictating what they should be eating, reading, thinking and speaking - even as you furiously brandish the BMKJ sword.

In these SAD times, the sword is mightier than the pen.

2016-05-09-1462770691-7495029-keepcalmandinstallbmkjapp.jpg

Like Us On Facebook |
Follow Us On Twitter |
Contact HuffPost India

Also see on HuffPost:

Princess Diana At Taj Mahal

More On This Topic