Meet The Fat Girl In My Head. She resided in me years after I had shed all my excess weight. She was my perception of me and I was attached to her. She ensured I lacked confidence and convinced me I wasn't good enough. Losing weight wasn't as hard as letting go of her.
Well it all started with a bet in the first year of college. Being from an all girls' school, our idea of college was a fairyland with lots of boys! So here I was 16, fat and ready for a little fairytale to happen, oblivious the "size matters" world.
I planned my first day of college for a month. Literally! The wardrobe. The accessories. The eyeliner. And it turned out not quite the way I had dreamed of. It was actually quite an eye opener. I felt like I had stepped into a skinny planet and the non-skinny who entered did so at their own risk.
"She was defeating. Nauseating. Disturbing. I needed her out. I needed an inner transformation."
While I was yet grappling with my size revelation, the big bet happened. Honestly, it was a three-minute bet. Silliest ever. Zero significance. The catch was the prize. Yeah it was me! Two guys in class decided to have a little arm-wrestling challenge. When it was over, someone asked the winner, so what do you get? He replied, as if it was obvious: "Oh! He lost so he has to kiss her." And his long, very long finger pointed right at me. My heart broke as I heard giggles echoing throughout the classroom. This was it. My life was over. Class went back to normal in few minutes but I was scarred for life. I hated the mirror and lost every kind confidence. Nothing mattered more than shedding that weight!
Three months. Fifteen kilograms. Crash diet (which obviously ruined my immune system but that's a different story). I had a whole new look and lots of attention. So, I should be happy right? Not so easy.
Basically the day the bet happened, the girl with low self-worth had checked into my head. She was The Fat Girl In My Head. She was defeating. Nauseating. Disturbing. I needed her out. I needed an inner transformation.
Weight loss did its part but these were the few things that changed my life:
- I dressed the part. My body language was my perception of me. Even when I felt low in confidence, I stood tall and proud. With time it became natural and real.
- I stopped venting, stopped worrying. Counting calories and getting on the weighing scale had become my favourite hobbies. I was slowly suffocating myself. Even others. I just became more aware of the moments when I was itching to do either and tried my best to shoo it away.
- I made goals. Got a life. Over time my weight management had became my sole obsession. My only purpose in life was to look good. I forced myself to make other goals. And you know what, slowly I started to see the big picture.
- I fixed my immunity. Trust me, the crash weight loss soon started causing symptoms and wasn't worth what I had to fix. It's a story I promise to tell at another time.
- I celebrated moments with myself. I took my achievements seriously. Even if the world didn't think much of them. I acknowledged them and pampered myself. Mostly with a massage!
- I was grateful for what I had. I wasn't a size zero but I was a size six with a brain. I was so blinded by the negatives that I couldn't see what people around me actually appreciated about me. I started to appreciate other qualities about myself.
Years later I bumped into one of those guys from the day of the bet in a social event. He didn't remember me but offered generous attention. After some small talk, I tried to remind him who I was. He completely denied it and said he wasn't someone who would ever have a bet of that sort. I just smiled. He asked me out and I declined.
Over years, with different situations in my life, even the relationship with The Fat Girl In My Head evolved. It's tough to pen down those situations right now as each was a beautiful story -- I'd love to share them soon.
If dots do connect, then I must say the bet was a blessing in disguise. It started a new journey and deepened my consciousness. I learned a new way of life, it made me the person I love and eventually also led to my calling -- as a health, wellness and life coach. My motto? Eat. Breathe. Smile.