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If I Was Melania Trump, I Would...

20/10/2016 1:10 PM IST | Updated 21/10/2016 10:08 AM IST
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J D Crowe

It's not easy. It's unforgiving. It's thankless. It's a hard task.

It's great power that comes with great responsibility. While this Presidential campaign has been harsh in its focus on Donald Trump, it's also been a tough journey for the potential First Lady to-be, Melania Trump. I tried to mentally jump into her shoes, in fact, and this is what I came up with...

If I was Melania Trump... I would let my son watch all the adult TV in the world— it's got to be better than hearing his father talk!

If I was Melania Trump... I would be the busiest mother on this earth. Once I'd be done mothering my 10 year old, I'd have to start on my 70 year old!

If I was Melania Trump... I would keep a paternity test result handy. After all, Donald might think I have rigged that system too.

If I was Melania Trump... I would get cosmetic surgery to give me a constant smile. That's the only way I could mask a gasp when my husband says "I grab women by the p****."

If I was Melania Trump... I would start my line of Lock and Key underwear. After all, being with a successful CEO has its upside. I can smell a business opportunity anywhere!

If I was Melania Trump... I would invest in invisible noise cancelling ear plugs. It's very upsetting to hear Donald Trump-bashing. After all, he is my husband!

If I was Melania Trump... I would make sure that my seats at all my husband's rallies have a neck-back-butt massager. That's the only way all that b*** s*** is worth listening to.

If I was Melania Trump... I would be upset with myself for being outdated. My husband mentioned this new shopping mall—NATO—and I have never shopped there!

If I was Melania Trump... I would be worried about my husband wanting to seal borders. Where am I going to get my nanny, cleaners and manicurists from?

If I was Melania Trump... I would get my husband into a doctor's office immediately for his sniffing problem. Can't have people say he is old, because what will that make me?

If I was Melania Trump... I would take Donald to my hair stylist ASAP, I cannot afford to go down in world history pictured standing next to The Nest at the elections! #dontcrampmystylehoney

If I was Melania Trump... and had a nickel for every time my husband said, "I want to make America great again" I would be a millionaire. For, "They created ISIS," I would be a billionaire. For, "Wrong, incorrect," I would be a trillionaire.

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